


the deal • seoksoo • joshua x seokmin

by abnegative



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2020-01-10 21:57:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 54,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18416660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abnegative/pseuds/abnegative
Summary: [ongoing] Seokmin can’t get the love of his life to notice him. Sick of third wheeling with his only friends, Hansol and Seungkwan, his problem seems solved with the arrival of an overseas student. Handsome and personable, Joshua is the kind of friend Seokmin has always dreamed of having.When both feel the sting of rejection Joshua makes Seokmin an offer he can’t refuse. Pretending to be a couple seemed harmless and could get them both exactly what they want. But will things work out the way they plan?updates every Sunday - for some reason it’s not showing up as updated18/03-2019 -7/01/2020There will be smut





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

Verdant leaves blew softly in the late spring breeze as Lee Seokmin wandered along the path from one building to the next at Pledis University. He smiled brightly to no one in particular as his feet picked up the pace. He was headed into dance class and it was his favourite. Besides the fact that his best friend Seungkwan was in that class there was another bright spot making his eyes sparkle with excitement and his feet march quickly in the direction of the dance studio. Seokmin couldn’t wait to see his crush.

 

Seokmin was naturally bright and happy. He was loud and enthusiastic, funny and optimistic, and always had a smile for anyone who needed it. The first time he saw Kwon Soonyoung’s chubby cheeked grin sparkling at him from across the room he knew they were soul mates.

 

Seokmin didn’t believe in opposites attract. He saw everything he was reflected in the adorable and excitable dancer who introduced himself loudly and brightly to Seokmin on the first day. And from that moment he was smitten. He was so smitten he was almost failing dance as he couldn’t even focus on moving his body when the beautiful Soonyoung was within five meters of him. Seokmin was an excellent dancer but when in the same room as Soonyoung he was suddenly an uncoordinated mess.

 

He walked into the dance studio and was immediately rushed from behind. “Hey loser!” Seungkwan grabbed him around the neck and pulled him into a half hug half headlock. “Got some exciting news! Well I don’t know how exciting you think it will be but Hansol is stoked. There’s an American kid starting today, even though he’s older than us, and he’s going to be in this class. The student counsellor asked Hansol to go fetch him and bring him here and show him around a bit. Cool, hey!” Seokmin shrank out of Seungkwan’s grasp and nodded half heartedly. Seungkwan thought everything that involved his handsome American boyfriend was ‘cool’ and ‘exciting’ but Seokmin’s eyes were already wandering in search of a certain cute dancer.

 

And there he was. He walked in with his usual crew surrounding him, flanked by the Chinese exchange students Junhui and Minghao and trailed loyally by the talented first year Chan, and all heads turned as he entered. His bleached blond hair was held out of his eyes by a black sweatband and his tight white tshirt and black sweatpants combination made Seokmin’s breath hard to catch. Soonyoung was cute, sexy, and the best dancer in the class. Probably the whole University. And to top it off he was likeable, funny, popular, and the nicest guy anyone could ever meet.

 

Seokmin was also funny and likeable and nice, or so his friends told him, all two of them. He was not, however, cute or sexy or popular. His own tshirt and sweatpants combination didn’t give off the same casually sexy aura and no one’s head turned when Seokmin walked by - despite how loud he could be. Seokmin had never been cool or attractive or even well liked outside his tiny social circle.

 

“Pledis’ Prince,” Seungkwan muttered sarcastically as he rolled his eyes, “He’s not even that good.” Seokmin almost choked on nothing as he turned to his best friend in shock. “Really Boo? You sure about that?” Seungkwan snorted and rolled his eyes again. “Okay he’s pretty good. But everyone just worships him. He’s not even that cute. I mean, Hansol is cuter, and he’s a better dancer too.”

 

Seokmin mentally checked out as he took his hoodie off and began to stretch. Seungkwan had no self awareness whatsoever when it came to his idolisation of his boyfriend and Seokmin couldn’t be bothered arguing with him. He sat down and began to stretch his legs on the floor as he watched Soonyoung laughing with his friends. They fluttered around him like butterflies on a beautiful flower as Soonyoung talked loudly and animatedly and Seokmin lost himself in the vision wondering what it would feel like to be a part of it.

 

He watched Soonyoung get up and start clowning around just as Hansol walked in with a tall boy trailing him closely. He had floppy dark hair which fell nicely exposing his forehead and the kindest eyes Seokmin had ever seen. He looked wide eyed and a little scared as his lips curled prettily into a soft smile. His clothes looked expensive and fit him well and a few ear piercings even sparkled in the light when he turned his head. “Wow...” Seokmin breathed softly as he watched the new guy look around. He looked foreign, fashionable, and most of all he just looked cool. He’d love to have a cool friend like that.

 

“Boo Boo!” Hansol yelled across the room when he spotted his boyfriend and Seungkwan jumped up immediately and waved them over. Hansol wrapped the other tightly in a hug which was almost inappropriate for public as his hands wandered a little and the new kid stood awkwardly beside them. “Hi,” Seokmin smiled brightly and held out his hand. “I’m Seokmin. You speak Korean right?” he quickly added and the other boy smiled brightly as well. “Yes. I’m Joshua. I mean Jisoo. Uhg…” he hand a hand through his hair in frustration. “This is so hard to get used to.” Seokmin just shrugged. “Joshua is nice. You don’t have to try and change to and fit in.” He looked over at Hansol and chuckled to himself. “He certainly doesn’t.” “He’s been here forever though. I’ve only been here a few weeks.” Joshua said and they all smiled at each other.

 

They sat down and Seokmin resumed his stretching as he chatted with the new boy. He learned he was an only child, of Korean parents, who thought it was important to come to Korea and finish his schooling and learn about his culture. “They think it will be good for me.” He shrugged a little as they stood up and moved around, warming their muscles up more, waiting for the dance teacher to arrive. “I just want to get these next two years over and done so I can go home.”

 

Conversation was halted when the teacher arrived and put them through their paces. Seokmin eyed Joshua and saw that he was an excellent dancer, probably better than him, and had good focus and concentration. Seokmin’s own focus was all over the place as his eyes wandered from the new kid back to Soonyoung in the front row. Seokmin could see him reflected in the mirrored wall, sweat beading on his forehead, his body moving in intricate controlled rhythms that Seokmin could only dream of.

 

He moved his left foot the wrong way and his right leg crossed over and suddenly Seokmin found himself sitting flat on the floor with everyone around him staring. “Are you okay?” Joshua said softly as he held a hand out and Seokmin blushed as he took it and pulled up to his feet. “Yeah I just got distracted,” he said as his face flushed bright red and Seungkwan just rolled his eyes.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

 

Finally the hour of torture was over and Seokmin rummaged in his bag for a sweat towel. He wiped his forehead as he chattered away with the others and they decided to call into their favourite café on the way back to the dorms. “Which dorm are you in?” Seokmin asked Joshua. He’d somehow accidentally taken over looking after the new kid as Hansol’s attention was monopolised by Seungkwan but it was fine. He was so nice and so cool and Seokmin really liked him. He really wanted them being great friends, he wasn’t exactly Mr Popular, so he would be grateful for another friend. Third wheeling with the world’s cheesiest couple had lost it’s appeal a ling time ago.

 

“I’m not in the dorms. My parents rented me an apartment just behind the university,” Joshua said and Seokmin’s mouth gaped open. “Really… an apartment all for yourself?” Joshua nodded. “Yeah, it’s pretty nice, you could come by and have a look whenever if you wanted to?” Seokmin nodded his agreement as they walked into their favourite café making the little bell over the door ring.

 

“Oh my God,” Joshua exclaimed quietly as they sat down around a small table. “That guy behind the counter is beautiful!” Seokmin turned around and chuckled. “That’s Jeonghan. He goes to the University. He’s in my vocal class but he’s actually a painter.” Seokmin laughed again at the look on Joshua’s face as he stared at the stunning blond man wiping the counter with a cloth. “Is he single?” Joshua asked and Seungkwan shook his head. “I heard he has a boyfriend, some guy who doesn’t go to the University, but I don’t really know for sure. It’s just gossip.” Hansol shook his head. “No, he definitely does have a boyfriend, Mingyu told me that he’s some rapper who just got signed to a small company.” A pout formed on Joshua’s face. “Well I’m going to order everyone’s coffee and at least I’ll get a chance to talk to him.” He got up and Seungkwan laughed. “You’re braver than Seokmin. He’s been trying to talk to his crush for a year!”

 

They watched Joshua go over to the counter and chat with Jeonghan before coming back with a table number and a smile on his face. “I didn’t ask him if he had a boyfriend but we are in the same Art History class!” He grinned at the others and turned to Seokmin. “So what about your crush? Why don’t you talk to him?” “YEAH SEOKMIN WHY DON’T YOU TALK TO HIM?” Seungkwan was way too happy to have backup on this issue and Seokmin just stared down at the table. “Because he’s so perfect and I’m not. I’ve got no chance… He literally has so idea I exist.”

 

He looked up to see Joshua’s kind eyes sparkling at him with earnestness. “Im sure that’s not true. You’re cute and sweet,” he said to Seokmin’s profound embarrassment, “why wouldn’t he at least give you a chance?” “Do you know who his crush is?” Hansol leaned in and wiggled his eyebrows up and down lasciviously as Seokmin blushed bright pink. “Kwon Soonyoung. Pledis’ Prince.” “That loud guy from dance class?” Joshua looked surprised and bemused. “Yeah,” Seokmin said as he stared at the table, “and now you know why.”

 

“No I don’t – why wouldn’t you talk to him?” Joshua was new to the dynamics and politics of the Pledis Arts campus. He didn’t know about the hierarchy of popularity or pecking order. “Because he’s Mr Popular and I’m just me. Plain old Seokmin.”

 

“Excuse me,” the blond haired barista placed the drinks on the table in front of them as he leaned over a little too close to Joshua. “Enjoy...” Seokmin swore he saw the man throw a wink at the American boy but he must have been mistaken. Jeonghan had a boyfriend and that wasn’t the way people with boyfriends acted. Was it? How would Seokmin know anyway? He’d never even been on a date.

 

He sighed as he stirred his frappe with the thick straw. Maybe they were right. Maybe he should just take a risk. What could it hurt?

 

His pride and reputation?

He didn’t have either of those anyway.

 

 

He had nothing to lose.

 

A few hours later, the newly formed group of four were walking across the campus to go and check out Joshua’s apartment. Joshua had generously offered to order in some pizza and they were all excited about the idea of a little housewarming party. The mood was high, it was surprising how well the four of them fit together as a group, Hansol and Seungkwan happy to have someone for Seokmin to hang out with, assuaging their guilt over wanting to spend all their time together. Hansol was happy he didn’t have to take full responsibility for the newly arrived boy, Seokmin was overjoyed to have a new friend, and Joshua was happy he found some people he fit well with right away. Everything was working out just fine.

 

As they walked along chatting, Seokmin talking a little too loudly as per usual, they spotted Soonyoung with his usual crew. “Talk to him,” Hansol hissed as Seokmin turned pink again. “He doesn’t know I exist,” Seokmin said in reply. “Well they know I exist,” Hansol said as he turned to walk in their direction, “Chan’s in most of my classes.”

 

“Hey Chan. Hey guys, this is Joshua, he’s just moved here from the US..” Hansol grabbed Joshua and pushed him to the front of the group. “I’m introducing him to people around the campus.” “Hi,” Soonyoung smiled brightly at the handsome foreigner in front of him. “You were in my dance class earlier. Welcome to Pledis.” He turned to Seokmin standing beside Seungkwan and held his hand out. “Hi. I’m Soonyoung. Are you new as well?” Seokmin stammered out some words to the effect of having been in the other man’s class for over a year as his face once again flushed.

 

“My Chinese friends over there are throwing a party tonight at their share house. You guys can come if you want.” Soonyoung smiled broadly again at Joshua and Hansol. “Give you a proper welcome to this beautiful country of ours.” “We’ll be there!” Seungkwan said quickly. It wasn’t every day they got an invite to a real campus party and definitely not from Pledis’ Prince himself. They had to go.

 

 

“We have to go!” Seungkwan said as they walked off together. “We just have to!” “No way,” Seokmin wasn’t over his embarrassment. “He didn’t even know I was in his class. He remembered Joshua after just one day and he had no idea who I was.” “Well lets go and make him remember you,” Joshua said as he grabbed Seokmin by the arm and dragged him in the direction of his new apartment.

 

“Are we doing a makeover?” Seungkwan screamed as he ran and hugged Seokmin from behind. “Looks like it!” Joshua said brightly as the four newly formed friends walked across the grass in the late afternoon sun.

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

 

“I feel weird,” Seokmin said as he stared in the mirror. The man who stared back wasn’t the Seokmin he was used to. His hair, freshly coloured a rich burgundy and styled up off his forehead, made him feel exposed. He’d never worn makeup before but Joshua had insisted and Seungkwan had found a kindred spirit and ganged up on him immediately. So, lightly layered with a little BB cream and a ring of subtle eyeliner, Seokmin sighed at his reflection.

 

When he looked down at his clothes he sighed again. The tight jeans were too tight and Joshua had insisted on tucking the oversized shirt in at the front to ‘show off his assets’. No one had ever referred to anything Seokmin had to show as an ‘asset’ before and it had made him blush. And now he was uncomfortable with the clothing, the shirt unbuttoned a little too much, the jeans clinging too close around his thighs. But Seungkwan had squealed with excitement and Joshua had handed him a beer and as the alcohol warmed him he gave up his protests.

 

Joshua’s apartment was amazing. It was small and neatly decorated in the way you would expect of someone who had just moved halfway across the world without much stuff. There were a few books which Seokmin guessed must be precious to have been worth the baggage weight and a few family photos proudly displayed. The furniture was all in muted shades of grey and white and all looked new and quality. “You’re so lucky to live here…” Seokmin said as he checked the place out. There was a big window which looked down on the expanse of the university sports oval and the buildings behind it. It was perfect.

 

A couple of drinks eased Seokmin’s nerves a little too much as they walked to the share house the Chinese students lived in. By the time they arrived at the party he was feeling warm and giggly and definitely far from sober. The party was an assault on his already compromised senses and, to his dismay; they lost Hansol and Seungkwan immediately. “Don’t abandon me,” Seokmin said as he clung to his new friend’s arm and they walked through the party avoiding the bumps of people’s bodies in the crowd. It was hot, noisy, and the smell of too many people overwhelmed Seokmin’s senses. But they quickly found more drinks and soon he was having a good time despite his initial reluctance to be at the party.

 

“When you see him just talk to him!” Joshua yelled over the music as they watched Hansol chug a beer bong. “Who?” Seokmin laughed loudly before remembering whom Joshua was talking about and the whole point of this night. His eyes whipped around and he realised he hadn’t spotted Soonyoung anywhere. He had to be here somewhere. “DANCE!” Seungkwan yelled as he grabbed his drunk boyfriend and dragged him towards the source of the heavy beat pumping from outside and when they pushed the double doors open into the backyard they found them. Surrounded by a crowd, the dance floor was dominated by the popular group, Minghao and Junhui dancing way too close, Soonyoung and Chan showing off for the appreciative crowd.

 

“Target acquired!” Joshua winked at Seokmin when he spotted a certain blond barista leaning on a table by himself and when he walked off, and Seungkwan pulled Hansol onto the dance floor, Seokmin’s greatest fear was realised. He found himself alone. He took a huge gulp of the drink in his hand for comfort and it burned all the way down. He looked around as his head began to spin and sank heavily onto an outdoor couch as he swirled the rest of his drink.

 

The couch sank next to him and his heart began to pound when he looked over and saw Soonyoung seated next to him. “Hi,” his slur was only slight as he leaned a little too close to Seokmin, “I’m Soonyoung.” “I, ah, I know… we’re in the same dance class..” Seokmin stuttered with nerves. Cold embarrassment washed over him as he realised that this was now the second time Soonyoung hadn’t recognised him. In one day. Was he really that forgettable?

 

“Really?” Soonyoung’s already sharp eyes squinted even tighter as he stared at Seokmin through his alcohol soaked haze. His gaze travelled the man’s face, down the exposed sliver of skin at his chest, raking hungrily over his thighs. “You’re in one of my classes? Think I would have remembered you…” he licked his lips and Seokmin blushed. “Yeah I am, I’m Seokmin, we also met today in the park, you invited us here….” Soonyoung’s eyes lost focus for a second before returning to Seokmin’s thighs. “Were you wearing those jeans today?” he asked before dissolving into a fit of drunken giggles. “I bet you weren’t. I definitely would have remembered you…”

 

Seokmin was too drunk for this. He didn’t know what was happening. He looked around in panic for help, Seungkwan or Hansol, or even Joshua, but he’d lost Seungkwan and Hansol again and when he spotted Joshua he was talking to Jeonghan. “So, what do you think Seokmin? You want to go upstairs and make me remember you?” His hand reached out and snaked across Seokmin’s thigh and he shivered involuntarily. This wasn’t going how he had planned at all.

 

“I, ah, I-I like you…” Seokmin stuttered as his face heated up. “Can’t we just stay here and talk?” “You like me?” Soonyoung began to laugh loudly and ran his hand through his dyed blond hair. “What do you mean you like me?” “I mean, I would really like to ask you out on a date, maybe get to know each other?” The alcohol had made Seokmin’s decision making sketchy, he knew he should have stopped talking a long time ago, but now he’d started the words just spilled out of him like a waterfall. “I’ve had a crush on you for a while..” he said and Soonyoung laughed again. “You want to date me? Dude, have you ever even had a boyfriend?” Seokmin shook his head and stared at the empty cup in his hands. “Okay well when you’ve got some experience come back and ask me again. I’m a lot to handle Seokmin. This isn’t a ride for first timers.”

 

When Seokmin looked up he was gone.

 

He stayed slumped on the couch for a while until it sank again and he looked over to see a despondent Joshua had joined him. “Strike out?” Seokmin asked and Joshua laughed a little bitterly. “You could say that.” Joshua sighed and looked over at Seokmin’s face. He hadn’t know the boy long but it was the first time he’d ever seen him sad. “You strike out too?” “Not entirely,” Seokmin said. “But I guess so. Yeah.” Joshua looked at him in confusion but didn’t ask for elaboration. He just put his arm around his new friend and squeezed his shoulder a little. “This party sucks. Want to go home?” Joshua said. “Definitely,” Seokmin replied and they both got up to leave.

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

Seokmin had a headache. The light blaring through his skull was way too bright as he rolled over and buried his face in the pillow to try and hide from it. He sat up when he realised he wasn’t at home. He was on Joshua’s brand new couch and he’d drooled on his nice new pillow. “Good morning sunshine,” Joshua chirped from the kitchen when he saw the other sit up. He walked over and offered him a big mug of coffee which he took gratefully to sooth his hangover. “Did I drink everything?” he asked and Joshua laughed. “Almost.”

 

Suddenly it all came rushing back to him. “I confessed,” he said with a blush. Joshua’s mouth gaped open a little. “Man, you said you struck out, but you weren’t exactly coherent. What happened?”

 

Seokmin groaned. “Well at first he didn’t remember me, again, then he felt me up. Then he wanted to take me upstairs but then he laughed at me and asked me if I had ever had a boyfriend. Then he told me he ‘wasn’t a ride for first timers’ and said I could come back when I had some experience.”

 

“Ugh,” Joshua said. “Really? I guess that’s over then….” He looked over at Seokmin and smiled then frowned. The look on the other’s face told him it wasn’t. “I still like him hyung,” he said, uncharacteristically quiet, as he rubbed his eyes. “What about you? You struck out as well,”

 

“Yeah. Jeonghan is dating the rapper but he said they aren’t really exclusive and he gave me his number anyway. I don’t know how I feel about it. They’re either together or they aren’t.” Joshua said. “It’s kind of weird, like, I’m not really here for that sort of thing. You know?” Even though they barely knew each other a sort of warm comfort surrounded them as they sipped their hangovers away in sweet caffeinated silence.

 

Once they were reasonably rehydrated they began to talk. Seokmin, loudly and animatedly, about his love for singing. Joshua, much more subdued, about his passion for the guitar and his dreams of being a songwriter. “Why so many visual art classes then?” Seokmin grinned and Joshua shrugged. “What sort of degree do you need to follow your passion?” This made Seokmin laugh too loud and he didn’t even notice. “We’re probably all going tojust end up working in coffee shops!” He squealed and Joshua joined in. He couldn’t help it. It was infectious.

 

“I should probably go, you know, overstayed my welcome and all.” Seokmin took his coffee cup to the sink to wash it out and Joshua followed him with his eyes. Something had just clicked between them and it made Joshua feel a little better about being on the other side of the world in a totally alien place.

 

“Stay,” Joshua said quickly, “at least for another coffee...” Seokmin nodded his agreement. It was Saturday, he had nothing better to do, and Hansol and Seungkwan would be off the grid until Sunday night. “Okay,” his bright eye smile made Joshua smile back.

 

“So what now?” Joshua asked as they picked at some fruit he’d cut and placed on the table. The tv played quietly in the background but neither really watched it, both lost in their own casual musings.

 

“I don’t know Joshua hyung,” Seokmin said sadly, “I still like him. A lot. But he’s right. I don’t know what it’s like to have a boyfriend. I don’t know how to date, where to go, how to act. Have you dated?” Joshua shifted uncomfortably and Seokmin thought for a second he’d asked the wrong thing. But Joshua’s eyes took on a faraway quality as he found himself opening up to the younger man.

 

“I had a boyfriend at home. I really loved him but he was in the closet. We met at church camp. My parents are cool but his weren’t and he couldn’t - wouldn’t - come out. He just wouldn’t do it. But he still kissed me and let me hold him and he still took my gifts,” Joshua said a little bitterly as he blinked back the glossy sheen that veiled his exotic green eyes and cleared his throat before continuing.

 

“It got too hard. The sneaking around. It was too much. I wanted more and he wasn’t ready, I don’t think he would ever be ready, but I wasn’t prepared to live out our love hidden in the shadows.”

 

Seokmin’s mouth hung agape as he processed the information. “That’s rough,” he said gently and Joshu smiled sadly. “Well that’s partly why I’m here. To start over.” His smile changed from sad to hopeful and Seokmin admired the beautiful shape of Joshua’s lips. “Well if Jeonghan doesn’t give you a chance he’s an idiot,” Seokmin’s words, so honest and casual, made Joshua blush a little.

 

Suddenly a thought came to him out of nowhere. “Seokmin, what about this for a plan?” Joshua started tentatively. “What if we pretended to date?” Seokmin furrowed his brow as he realised what Joshua was saying. “You could pretend to get some ‘experience’ and I could maybe make Jeonghan jealous. Plus it would be nice to have someone to hang out with anyway...”

 

Seokmin stared at Joshua without saying anything for a long time. Long enough to fill the man’s green eyes with panic as he quickly tried to back down. “Sorry, it was a stupid idea, forget I said anything...”

 

“No hyung, that’s actually a good idea, plus I could use the company as well.” Seokmin thought about what he was saying. “But let’s put a time limit on it. We’ll ‘date’ for three months and then just ‘split up’ and tell everyone we’re better off as friends.” Joshua nodded. The time limit made sense. “What about skinship?” He asked and Seokmin grinned. “Fine by me. I’m cuddly!” That made Joshua laugh and this seemed like a better idea with each minute that passed by.

 

“Is three months long enough though?” Joshua chewed his bottom lip. “What about three months with an option for a further three depending how the plan is going?” Seokmin nodded his agreement and stuck his hand out.

 

“Deal?” He asked.

 

“Deal!” Joshua replied as he shook his hand with vigour.

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to those who commented positively on this. It’s on my regular update schedule with my other ongoing works which means updates every Sunday.

 

“So,” Seokmin said as he approached his friends. “Joshua hyung and I have news…” Seungkwan and Hansol looked from their smiling faces to their entrwined hands and both frowned in perfect mirrored confusion. “Are you guys dating or something?” Hansol asked with a slight scowl. “Ah, yeah, since the weekend,” Soekmin gripped Joshua’s hand tighter and the other moved a little closer as he sensed his need and silence enveloped the group.

 

Suddenly Seungkwan jumped up and engulfed them both in a huge hug. “My hyungs! I’m so happy for you. I mean, you barely know each other, but who cares? Hansol and I barely knew each other when we started going out.” He forced their hands apart with his oppressive affection and laughed. “When there’s a spark its kind of hard to ignore right?” Joshua blushed but Seokmin was fully committed. “That’s right!” he said loudly as he clung to the American boy’s arm again.

They wandered along to their dance class, Seungkwan chattering away loudly about something totally irrelevant, Seokmin laughing loudly along with his animated friend. Hansol hung back with Joshua as he eyed the older with a little suspicion. “Been here a few days, got a boyfriend already, you move fast.” “So?” Joshau replied, a little irritated, “things just clicked for us at the party the other night. He’s fun.” 

 

Hansol nodded. Seokmin was fun. “You guys just seem like total opposites though.” “To be honest so do you and Seungkwan and no one gives you guys the third degree,” Joshua replied a little curtly and Hansol frowned again. “He’s sweet Joshua, sweet and innocent, and very trusting. It would be easy to hurt him,” Hansol said as Joshua started to walk faster. He didn’t like where this conversation was going and he wanted to make sure he caught up with his ‘boyfriend’ before they walked in to dance class. He’d promised he would hold his hand in front of Soonyoung and his crew.

It was part of the deal.

During dance class, which was three times a week, Joshua would act like the most enamoured boyfriend in the world. In front of Soonyoung and his crew Joshua would dote on Seokmin, pet him and spoil him, and act like he was the hottest thing he’d ever seen.

Three times a week they would go to the café and sit in the corner while Seokmin flattered and flaunted his hot American boyfriend in front of Jeonghan and his co-workers. He would treat the older like he was the most amazing person he’d ever met, wise and worldly, sophisticated and cool.

The rest of the time they would hang out as friends, flirt and cuddle enough to convince people they were a thing, and this was probably the best part. No more third wheeling for Seokmin, no finding his way on his own for Joshua, a ready made friendship for both of them. It was a pretty sweet deal.

“Seokmin, wait up!” Joshua’s long strides easily caught up to the other two and he pushed his body between them. His hand reached down and entangled his beautiful long fingers with Seokmin’s hand and the other couldn’t help but relax and enjoy the feeling. Seokmin had always been big on skinship and Joshua’s hands just felt so nice. They walked in to the studio and, to their disappointment, Soonyoung wasn’t even there yet. 

 

But Joshua just smiled at Seokmin. When they sat on the floor to stretch he settled behind his pretend boyfriend, arms around his waist, nestling his head against the back of his neck. It felt nice and he closed his eyes as he stretched his hamstrings and enjoyed the cuddle. “You’re great at cuddling Joshua hyung,” he murmured as he leaned back into the hug a little. It felt so nice he totally missed Soonyoung’s arrival into the room.

 

 

But it didn’t matter. Today something totally unprecedented happened. “Hi,” Soonyoung said as he and his crew walked over and settled around the other group. “You’re Joshua right? I remember inviting you to my party,” Soonyoung grinned widely at the other boys. “Did you have a good time?” Joshua affirmed that he did have a good time and pulled Seokmin a little closer when he felt his nervous twitch.

 

“Hi, I’m Soonyoung,” he held his hand out and Seokmin couldn’t believe it was happening again. “I know, we’ve met,” he said as he stared at Soonyoung’s outstretched hand. Joshua picked up the slack immediately. “This is my boyfriend Seokmin. He’s met you a few times Soonyoung but you never seem to remember him,” Joshua crept closer and his hot breath fanned across Seokmin’s neck as he stared the dancer down. “It’s kind of rude to be honest.”

 

Seokmin pinched Joshua’s thigh hard and Soonyoung laughed awkwardly. “Yeah, sorry man, I’m not good with names and faces.”

 

The teacher walked in and saved them to Seokmin’s immense relief. The music started and Seokmin leaned over closer to Joshua as they began to move their limbering bodies. “You didn’t have to be so rude to him hyung,” he whispered but Joshua winked at him. “Yeah I did. He’s not going to just treat my boyfriend like that. It’s about time people began remembering who you are.”

 

Seokmin blamed the sudden rush of heat in his body on the dancing but deep down he wasn’t so sure that was it.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

Joshua smiled at Seokmin as they sat in the corner of the coffee shop. He’d fallen into a pile of luck meeting the adorable youngster on his first day at the University. Seungkwan seemed nice enough and Hansol did too but he didn’t know if he could handle them any more than what he already had. Seokmin was a breath of fresh air.

His ear itched where his new piercings were irritated. He wasn’t supposed to change the jewellery for six weeks but he couldn’t resist. What was the good of the new piercings, part of his new image, if he had to stick to the boring silver studs the woman had used in the piercing gun? No one had to know they were new. No one had to know the piercings were new, the hairstyle was new, the clothes were new. He was taking full advantage of this new life to remake himself anew. The old Joshua was gone, buried in a pit of romantic angst and artistic failure, abandoned as soon as he stepped foot on the plane.

His parents had been supportive and sympathetic. When Jeffrey broke his heart into a million pieces and his deal with the, admittedly very small, record label fell through at the last minute they’d suggested the move. It would give him time to refresh himself and find his inner strength again. And what better way than with a new image and a new romance to take his mind off things. His eyes flicked over to the blond haired barista who was practically smirking at him from behind the counter. Jeonghan looked like a world of trouble and it was just what Joshua needed to mend his broken heart. 

 

He was done with sweet boys, cute nice boys that tricked you with their earnest feelings, leaving you wanting to die when they just can’t face the reality of real life. He was done with it all. He wanted wild, he wanted trouble and it was written all over Jeonghan’s face. He’d come to this country to break free from his nice church boy persona and live on the side of danger.

“Ready to order?” he said as he snapped his attention back to the situation at hand. “Sure, tell me what you want, I’ll go to the counter hyung,” Seokmin said with a small smile. Joshua couldn’t help but smile back. The boy was so cute and so endearing, bright as a little button, and innocent as a lamb. Exactly the kind of guy Joshua used to go for. Exactly the kind of guy he had forsaken forever. He frowned at the menu and moved from across the table to the seat right next to Seokmin. He still had a little trouble with his reading and writing and he wanted the younger to help him. He also wanted to lean in close to him and make him flustered and hopefully catch the eye of the blond barista.

“Honey, can you help me read this?” Joshua smiled sweetly and leaned over the younger boy. He put his hand on his arm and watched the slow creep of pink blush fill Seokmin’s cheeks. He looked up and saw they were being watched and smirked a bit before turning his full attention back to Seokmin. After Seokmin helped him choose, he watched the younger get up and walk over to the counter to order.

Joshua didn’t understand why Seokmin was so insecure. The boy had literally no self esteem whatsoever. When he’d dressed him up for the party the other night he seemed so embarrassed, almost apologetic, for looking so good. It was a shame, Joshua thought to himself as he eyed the boy’s figure barely visible through his shapeless jeans, he didn’t know what he was hiding. He decided right then he would do everything he could to help him get his man. Starting with some new clothes, followed by some self confidence.

 

 

Jeonghan didn’t like him. Seokmin could tell. He was about as rude as he could get away with, considering he was working, and practically sneered at him when he slid two frappes across the counter. “Enjoy,” he said with no conviction whatsoever as he smiled sickly sweet at the younger. “Joshua hyung, I think it’s working,” Seokmin said as he made it back to the table. He passed Joshua a drink and when their hands brushed his stomach flipped a little. It was hard to remember this was all pretend. Joshua was so affectionate and doting. He would make an amazing boyfriend.

 

He sat down and, to his surprise, Joshua put his drink down and took his hand. “Is he looking?” Joshua whispered and Seokmin nodded. His eyes turned from Jeonghan, scowling behind the bar, back to Joshua who lifted Seokmin’s fingers to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss on them. “Hyung,” Seokmin blushed bright pink and began giggling to the delight of Joshua and the angry scowl of Jeonghan who turned and walked into the kitchen.

 

“Gotta be convincing,” Joshua smirked a little at the blushing boy across from him. He stroked Seokmin’s hand and kept it tighter within his. As they sipped their drinks and conversations returned to fill the space around them Joshua felt content. The boy across from him, smiling at him with a radiant joy, would have made the old Joshua weak. But, as he let go to itch the annoying feeling in his earlobes, he remembered the old Joshua was gone. Left behind on the other side of the world, sad and heartbroken, vulnerable and afraid. The new Joshua wasn’t going to do it all over again. The new Joshua came to play and win.


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

“Here they are!” Seungkwan was delighted to see his friend. He’d hardly seen Seokmin for days, ever since he hooked up with Joshua, and it had been kind of nice. He’d always wanted to spend more time with Hansol but they always had Seokmin around and couldn’t really ditch him. He was their best friend. But now he had his own boyfriend they’d even gone out for a mid week movie date and, even thought they’d invited him, he’d declined to hang out at the coffee shop with Joshua instead.

 

When they walked in to dance class arm in arm Seungkwan could see how happy Seokmin was. His smile was megawatt and spread up to his eyes as he ran forward to greet his friends. Joshua never let his hand slip though, holding right down to the tips of Seokmin’s fingers as the other arm escaped to embrace his friends. “Been busy?” Hansol cocked an eyebrow Joshua’s way and Seokmin blushed. He nodded and blushed even brighter when Joshua pulled him into a hug.

 

Seokmin almost forgot to watch for Soonyoung’s arrival. This didn’t go unnoticed by Seungkwan who was a little surprised things had changed so quickly. But he shrugged it off. For Seokmin, Soonyoung was nothing more than an idealised fantasy, placed up on a pedestal. It was better it keep it that way now he had Joshua who seemed to really like him. But he noticed Seokmin only almost forgot to watch for Soonyoung. When he arrived, swanning into the room like an early summer breeze.

 

 

“Hi Joshua,” Soonyoung said as he made his way over to speak to the foreign boy. “Hi.. Seokjin..” he said as the smile faded quickly from Seokmin’s face. He turned to rummage in his backpack to hide his embarrassment but Joshua wasn’t letting it slide. “You seem to have trouble remembering my boyfriend’s name,” Joshua said as he grabbed Seokmin’s arm and pulled him into an embrace. “Surely he’s not that forgettable…” Joshua used this exact moment to nuzzle his face into Seokmin’s neck making the younger blush pink and giggly, squirming in his arms, Soonyoung looking on in confusion. “So you guys are a thing? That’s.... cute,” Soonyoung said distractedly as his friends arrived. “Next time we have a party you guys should definitely come again.” “We’d love too!” Joshua said brightly as he rested his chin on Seokmin’s shoulder.

“Y-you don’t have to pretend so hard..” Seokmin whispered when they were alone, stretching their tired limbs still sore from yesterday’s lesson. “Don’t you like it?” Joshua’s eyes were flirty, and distractingly beautiful, Seokmin thought as he stared at them. “I’m just not used to it hyung,” Seokmin said as the teacher walked in. “I was serious about never having a boyfriend. I’ve never even been kissed.” Joshua turned to him with a look of complete surprise but the moment was stolen by the dance teacher’s loud music and incessant barking of instructions signifying the start of the lesson.

Seokmin danced better than he had in a long time. He focused on the man next to him, watching Joshua’s lithe graceful limbs, his sinewy body moving to the beat, and it was far more calming and less distracting than watching Soonyoung. For the first time in a long time, he felt in control of his limbs as he moved around the floor. Finally, when the hour of torture was over and the music stopped Joshua was beside him with a dry towel and a big bottle of water. “You did great today,” he said encouragingly as he slung an arm around the sweaty boy. “Ew!” Seokmin screeched loudly at the sensation of their bare sweaty limbs pressed together and when he slipped out of Joshua’s embrace to run laughing across the room the older laughed as well as he gave a half-hearted chase.

“They’re a cute couple,” Minghao said to his friends as he watched the laughing men chasing each other around the room. The American one, slim and handsome, quieter but still lively chasing the younger one, the awkward and loud boy with the happy smile. “I don’t know what he sees in him,” Soonyoung said nonchalantly. “Joshua seems really cool, and he’s older and he’s American, and he’s hooking up with that loud kid?” He shrugged to himself and continued to dry his sweat off with a towel. “He confessed to me first you know,” Soonyoung smirked as he tossed his towel into his backpack. “At your party the other night. I was drunk and, I don’t know, bored and he looked kind of good all dressed up.” He took a sip from his water bottle before continuing to his enraptured audience. His friends loved to hear about his drunken escapades.

 

“I tried to come on to him. But he confessed, like full on confessed that he liked me, that he wanted to date me.” Soonyoung laughed softly to himself and Chan joined in. “Date you? Doesn’t he know you?” Soonyoung shook his head. “I guess not. Anyway I told him I don’t fuck around with innocent virgins and he could ask me out again when he had some experience. Next thing I see he’s hooking up with the new guy.” “So?” Junhui said as he grabbed his bag and they all moved towards the door. “They look pretty happy to me. You might have just missed out.” Soonyoung just shrugged. Guys and girls asked him out all the time. It was no loss to him. One less heart to break.


	8. Chapter 8

 

Joshua even had a car. He was beyond perfect. Seokmin felt himself smiling ear to ear as they pulled up at the mall with Seungkwan and Hansol in the back seat. Joshua had handed over his phone so Seokmin could choose from his playlist but he had to hand it back when he saw that it was all in English. “I can’t read this hyung,” he said softly and Seungkwan had burst out laughing from the backseat. “You guys are going out and you’re still calling him hyung?” “It’s cool,” Joshua had said with a semi smirking smile. “I kind of like it.”

“Ooohhhhhh…” the chorus of teasing voices rose from the back and Seokmin blushed. He honestly thought he’d never blushed so much in his life. Was this what it was like to have a boyfriend? To feel giddy all the time? To be constantly blushing and giggly and excited? To always be in anticipation of what the other was going to do next? How they were going to make you feel? He never felt like this around Soonyoung. Probably because the guy never even spoke to him. Seokmin tried to think back to that night at the party when he had been talking to Soonyoung. Did he make his stomach swirly with excitement? Seokmin furrowed his brow deeply as he realised the only thing Soonyoung made him feel was nervous and inadequate.

“Earth to Seokmin,” he heard Joshua speak and realised that, while he’d been daydreaming about Soonyoung, the others had all gotten out of the car. “Come on,” Joshua said as he held his hand out and Seokmin took it. He felt the older squeeze his hand tight as the four walked towards the entrance to the mall and Joshua’s hand was warm and soft and nice. Everything about Joshua was nice.

Joshua decided he was going to treat Seokmin like a prince for the short while he had him. At home in the US everyone knew he had money. The huge house and the expensive private catholic school were a dead giveaway. It was continually a source of discontent for him, always wondering if his friends were just using him for their beach house in Malibu or his basement apartment in his parents’ house filled with everything a teenage boy could want. Or his ex boyfriend who was happy enough to let Joshua buy him games and clothes and albums, but wouldn’t let him gift him any jewellery, because his parents would definitely notice. These guys had no idea Joshua had endless income at his disposal and they wanted to be friends with him anyway. It was a nice feeling.

“You want something to eat?” he asked Seokmin as they headed towards the food court. It wasn’t dinner time yet but way past lunch and Seokmin shook his head. “Let’s get ice-cream instead,” he smiled brightly and dragged Joshua by their tightly gripped fingers towards the nearest Baskin Robbins. “What do you want?” Seokmin asked Joshua who let go of their hands to place them onto the cold plastic window with a million colours and flavours inside. “Um, just a plain strawberry I think,” Joshua said and Seokmin moved to the counter.

 

“Can I order and pay please?” he looked around to see if the others were listening and they weren’t. “You don’t have to do everything for me. We’re just pretending, remember?” Seokmin waited for Joshua to answer and Joshua stared at him for a while before realising he needed to respond. “Okay, you can get this one, but just this once.” Joshua said as he leaned in closer and wrapped an arm around Seokmin’s waist. “And I like making our pretending look convincing,” he whispered as he leaned in to Seokmin’s ear making the younger blush furiously.

They sat side by side, knees barely touching, Joshua with his little cup of strawberry ice-cream and Seokmin with his waffle cone of chocolate. “You guys are really cute together,” Hansol said as he sipped at his green wheatgrass juice and Seungkwan ate a huge pretzel. “Cuter than us?” he asked as he bumped against Hansol’s side and the younger laughed loudly. “Maybe,” he said and Joshua and Seokmin shared a little smile.

After their snack the two couples split off and went their separate ways. Joshua decided to look in a few clothes shops he liked and Seokmin trailed him in as they rifled through racks and racks of garments. “This would look great on you,” Joshua held up a black tshirt with a deep v neck. “Why don’t you wear more stuff like this?” 

 

Seokmin shook his head. “It’s not me hyung, I don’t like to stand out.” “But you do anyway,” Joshua smiled at him as he selected a different size. “Your smile and your voice attract attention anyway. What’s wrong with looking good?” Seokmin stared at the ground as he shifted his feet. “The hair was enough,” he said as he ran a hand through the dyed burgundy locks still coloured from the weekend before. Only now instead of styled up it had returned to its usual place sitting flat against his forehead. “The clothes were a bit too much. It’s just not me.””Yeah but it could be,” Joshua said kindly as he picked out a few more shirts and a pair of expensive looking jeans with rips in the thighs. “If you really want Soonyoung to notice you then you have to make him notice you.” He handed the hangers to Seokmin and pushed him towards the change room. “Try them on.”

When Seokmin emerged, he felt weird. The black t-shirt was thin and clung to his chest in a way that made him feel almost naked. The black jeans were tight around his thighs and the shirt wasn’t long enough to cover his butt. He felt exposed like never before. Even the other night when Joshua had dressed him up for the party he’d worn a looser shirt which was longer and much more modest. This felt scandalous after a lifetime of loose jeans and tidy collared and coloured polo shirts. This was a lot of black.

“I don’t know about this…” Seokmin said nervously as he turned in front of the mirror but Joshua just grinned at him. “You look amazing! Seriously when do you find the time to work out? I’ve never seen you heading to the gym.” “I-I don’t work out hyung, I just dance, and this is the way I am…” Joshua leaned forward and scruffed up his hair a little before stepping back and smiling. “Perfect. You look perfect Seokmin. There’s no way he won’t be able to notice you…”

Joshua took the clothes to the register, not before adding the clinging tshirt in white, blue and grey as well, adding the same jeans in blue. He had already swiped his credit card before Seokmin even had a chance to emerge from the changing room. “Here,” Joshua handed him a bag and Seokmin stared at in confusion. “Can’t buy my fake boyfriend a gift?” Joshua said and Seokmin went to hold his hands up but Joshua just forced it into his arms. “Please. You’ve helped me so much just by being my friend. Just accept it.” Seokmin had a hard time but he did. He also accepted the bag from the sports shop filled with new workout stuff for dance class and the tiny bottle of aftershave Joshua said smelled the nicest in the whole shop.

“I feel kind of spoiled hyung, why are you doing all this for me?” Seokmin asked and Joshua just shrugged. “Because I can, and I want to, I guess,” Joshua didn’t really know why. He was just glad to have Seokmin by his side as they wandered the various shops on the lower floor. “Wait here,” Seokmin said on a whim. He left Joshua outside with the bags as he ran into the gift shop and looked around, quickly selecting the perfect item, before paying and walking out with it hidden behind his back. 

 

Joshua had to smile as Seokmin handed him the cute white stuffed bunny. It had big round dark eyes and soft white fur. “He kinda looks like you hyung,” Seokmin said as the butterflies in his stomach went crazy at the sight of Joshua’s delighted expression. “Thanks,” he said as he leaned over and pressed a kiss to the top of Seokmin’s head and Hansol and Seungkwan walked up behind them. “Gag!” Seungkwan said loudly. “Hansol where’s my cute stuffed bunny?” “You really want one?” he asked and Seungkwan shook his head. “You guys really are the cutest,” Hansol grinned as the four of them began to walk out to the carpark together.


	9. Chapter 9

 

“Party’s on,” Joshua murmured as he tossed his phone back on the coffee table. It was late Saturday afternoon and what had started as a quiet study session soon descended into Netflix with him and Seokmin sharing a bag of popcorn and a bottle of Coke. “Want to go?”

Seokmin pondered the question as he stretched his legs up lazily. Joshua grabbed his ankles and pulled Seokmin’s legs across his lap and Seokmin settled back against a cushion. “I guess,” he said slowly. He still hadn’t gotten over the last party. But he knew if he wanted to have another chance with Soonyoung this was the only way. “You?” he asked and Joshua nodded affirmatively. He shoved another handful of popcorn into his mouth and chewed its buttery goodness slowly. “I guess so. Have to be seen. Maybe we might be the new hot couple on campus once people realise we’re together,” he said and put the bag of popcorn down.

It had been weeks since the last party and Seokmin and Joshua had settled nicely into their little lie. Their friends had believed them wholeheartedly and now it was time to flaunt it publicly. Make their respective crushes see what they were missing out on. Make the whole campus know who Joshua was and who Seokmin could be. 

 

Seokmin looked over to where the backpack of clothes and belongings seemed to always reside now in Joshua’s living area. He’d taken a liking to sleeping on Joshua’s comfortable couch and they always ended up talking until so late that his dorm roommate had sent him a text asking him if he was still alive. It had made him laugh. His roommate, Lee Jihoon, was a year older and almost a foot shorter, and the grumpiest little thing Seokmin had ever seen in his life. They’d barely even talked, only exchanging information for emergencies, and Seokmin guessed he’d been absent enough to make it seem like it was an emergency.

“What time should we get ready?” Seokmin asked as he rolled onto his side and curled up a little. “Not yet,” Joshua said as he absentmindedly stroked the muscle of Seokmin’s calf through the sweat pants he was wearing as he pulled his legs more onto his lap. Seokmin hummed softly in delight as he enjoyed the feeling. He’d been working his legs harder in dance class lately now he was more focused and the impromptu massage felt good. “Keep doing that and I’ll treat you dinner,” Seokmin groaned as he closed his eyes and stretched and Joshua kneaded his sore muscles harder. “Keep letting me and I’ll treat you!” Joshua laughed earning a swift kick towards his face. But Seokmin laughed and Joshua laughed too as the next episode started playing and they quietened down again.

Three hours later, after pizza and beer and a few too many vodka shots, and way too much primping, they were ready. Seokmin was wearing one of the veil thin shirts Joshua had chosen for him, black paired with black ripped jeans, and he stared at himself critically in the mirror. “Hyung, I’m sure you can see my nipples through this in the light..” he turned one way and then the other in front of the mirror and Joshua just laughed. “So? If I was built like you I’d never eve wear any clothes!” 

 

Joshua’s eyes raked over Seokmin’s impressive shape and Seokmin remembered all the conversations they’d had about Joshua’s lack of ability to stack on any muscle. He wasn’t overly skinny but he definitely didn’t have Seokmin’s strong physique. “I like you just they way you are Hyung,” Seokmin suddenly blurted out but he meant it. Joshua always looked so lithe, so long and graceful, and just somehow beautiful but with enough of a sexy edge. “Aw, thanks, you’ll make me blush,” Joshua teased and grabbed Seokmin around the waist and they kind of stood in an awkward half embrace in front of the mirror. “We do make a nice couple though,” Seokmin said as he stared at the two men in the mirror. Their slight height difference made them fit together nicely and their faces, while bearing very different features, both had the same look of happiness and kindness written into their character.

“Oh,” Joshua moved away to his bedside cupboard and opened a drawer. “I almost forgot something,” he pulled out a velvet box and opened it. Nestled inside were two white gold chains, just thick enough to be masculine without looking chunky, a small pendant hanging from each. “Is that our birthstones?” Seokmin stammered a little when he saw the tiny blue and purple stones decorating the chain. “Yeah, I wanted to surprise you, and what’s more convincing than couple necklaces?” Joshua unclipped one of the chains and gently clipped it around Seokmin’s neck.

“Ah, hyung, you make me feel so spoiled…” Seokmin smiled brightly and the flush across his pink cheeks was almost irresistible as Joshua looked down at him. The way his eyes crinkled up, his flawless peachy skin, the shy blush across his cheek. Joshua felt himself falling further and further into something he never wanted to do. He wasn’t going to fall any farther. 

 

He shook his head and cleared his  mind as he took the other necklace and strung it around his own neck. This was all for show. It was all to get his mind off things, the thrill of the chase, the danger that Jeonghan represented. He wasn’t going to fall for the innocent charm of his new best friend. He’d been down that path before and the pain was too much. He wouldn’t allow himself to once again become wrapped up in innocent smiles and warm hugs, holding hands in the park and gentle eyes from across the room, he was done. He’d vowed to lock his heart away while he was here making a new life for himself.

“You deserve to be spoiled Seokmin,” Joshua said as they stood side by side admiring the pendants resting on their chests. “You’re my best friend. And now you know how someone should treat you, whether that person ends up being Soonyoung, or someone else…”

 

 

 

 

 

Half hour later, another beer in hand, they walked across the dimly lit park towards the share house the Chinese exchange students lived in. They could hear the noise pumping from well before they even got close. This time there would be no splitting up, no wandering alone, no opportunities to be found vulnerable and easily preyed upon. Seokmin clasped Joshua’s warm hand as soon as they got close and when they walked in to the packed house they instinctively crowded closer.

 

“Don’t let go of me,” Joshua yelled although over the music he was barely heard by Seokmin. Seokmin clutched his hand a little tighter and the other absentmindedly fingered the pendant resting on his chest and he knew he wouldn’t let go. Not intentionally, not accidently, not at all. He clung to him as his life depended on it and, with his new clothes and his new hair, people turned to stare at the hot couple. Seokmin no longer felt invisible and he heard murmurs of his name as he walked past with his handsome foreign boyfriend firmly in his grasp. “Drink?” Joshua asked and he nodded as they headed into the kitchen and he didn’t even realise Soonyoung was the furthest thing from his mind.


	10. Chapter 10

 

The music was loud and people were everywhere. Joshua pulled Seokmin into the kitchen and found a few bottles of something in a bucket of ice. He smiled at his boyfriend and dragged him by the arm out into the backyard, past the crowd on the makeshift dance floor, over to sit on the grass. It was a little quieter and, as Seokmin soon realised, where the couples seemed to be hanging out.

 

“Drink?” Joshua held a bottle out towards Seokmin and he took it and sipped the yellow liquid. It was vodka and pineapple and he giggled as he swallowed the sweet alcohol. “I think we stole some girls drinks hyung,” he smiled brightly as Joshua smirked and sipped his own raspberry drink. “Want to dance?” He asked and Seokmin shook his head shyly. He could learn choreography but dancing for fun, swaying along to the beat with your arms around another, he was too shy for that.

 

“Hey losers!” Hansol slipped onto the grass beside Joshua and Seungkwan landed on Seokmin’s back like a koala. “When did you guys get here?” “Not long ago,” Seokmin struggled as Seungkwan gripped him in a headlock before ruffling his nicely styled hair. “The fuck?” Seungkwan murmured when he caught sight of the beautiful stones hanging from Seokmin’s necklace. He looked over at Joshua and gasped, covering his mouth, Hansol rolling his eyes at his boyfriends overreaction. “Couple necklaces? Hyung you’re so lucky!” Seungkwan grabbed it and peered closer. “Are these your birthstones? How romantic.” He flopped dramatically onto the grass and sighed. “Great,” Hansol murmured as he dug around in his pocket, “I’m never going to hear the end of this.”

 

He put the joint in his mouth and sparked it with a lighter and inhaled deeply. The richly sweet smoke filled the air around them and he sighed as he exhaled. “Want some?” He offered it to Seungkwan who shook his head. Hansol raised an eyebrow at Seokmin who shook his head. “I’ve never tried it,” he said and looked to Joshua who took the joint from Hansol’s hand. “Never?” He asked as he took a small puff and tried hard not to cough. 

 

No one had to know Joshua hadn’t either. He had taken the smallest puff he thought he could manage and tried not to inhale it. But he still got an immediate buzz and he forced himself to hold his shit together. He was playing the role of cool worldly foreigner and he was committed.

 

“Try it,” he held it out towards Seokmin. “Just one puff. I’ll look after you,” he said as Seokmin’s eyes flashed from the burning joint to Joshua’s face. “Okay,” he said tentatively and took the joint between his fingers.

 

He inhaled a little too much and coughed it out. Hansol rescued the joint as Seokmin coughed and spluttered and Joshua handed him his pineapple vodka to sooth his burning throat.

 

And then he began to giggle. “Hyung, is it supposed to feel like this?” His eyes slotted almost shut and his stomach felt light and fluttery. He grinned at Joshua who was grinning back. “You feel okay?” He asked and Seokmin nodded and fell backwards into Joshua’s arms. Joshua pulled him closer and ran a hand through his hair and Seokmin hummed in satisfaction. He’d never wanted to push the boundaries of their skinship but with the smoke buzzing in his chest and the alcohol warm in his stomach he felt his inhibitions slipping away.

 

Joshua had never taken it too far. He always held his hand, cuddled him affectionately, said sweet words to him as he ran fingers in his hair or across his back. And Seokmin has always been more than content with that. It was warm and friendly, comforting, and more than anything it was convincing. But as he enjoyed the buzz and the music, the warmth of Joshua pressed against his back, Seokmin wondered what it would feel like. Not to be ogled the way Soonyoung had eyed him like a piece of meat but to be wanted. To feel hot and sexy, to feel like your body was burning under wandering fingertips, to want someone to want you with everything they have.

 

“Hyung, you look pretty tonight,” Seokmin murmured as he turned his head. He smiled widely as Joshua who smiled back at him and tightened his hold around the other boy’s waist.

 

“Let’s get drinks,” Seungkwan said as he stood up and grabbed a lazy Hansol by the arm. “Come on, there’s karaoke inside, and it’s boring watching these two make googly eyes at each other.” Joshua watched the other two walk through the crowd of dancing people into the house before he leaned over and grabbed his raspberry drink. He finished it and opened another, this one pineapple as well, and watched Seokmin finish his drink.

 

“Want to dance now?” Joshua asked. The weed had buried all his inhibitions deep down and the small puff combined with the alcohol in his system made his walls crumble. He stood up and pulled a giggling Seokmin to his feet and when he felt arms around him he just felt so fond. Seokmin was a breath of fresh air, an absolute sweetheart, and Joshua couldn’t resist him no matter how hard he tried.

 

A part of him wished he’d never been hurt. That he’d come to Korea with an open mind and an open heart. But in that moment, pulling the beautiful glowing boy against his body on the dancefloor, his past seemed so far away. The music pounded and Seokmin swayed in time with his body and it felt so good and so right.

 

He watched Seokmin’s brow furrow and turned around a little. Soonyoung had appeared on the dance floor and was grinding up on some older boy from the advanced music program. They watched Soonyoung laugh, grabbing the other man on the ass, his hands wandering everywhere as they began to move even wilder to the delighted cheers of Soonyoung’s friends.

 

Joshua turned Seokmin away so he didn’t have to watch. “Have you really never been kissed?” He murmured as he stared down at Seokmin’s lips and Seokmin nodded. “Never,” he said, his voice unusually husky, his lips stained a little yellow from his drink. “Want me to be your first?” Joshua breathed the words out almost silently as he ran a thumb across Seokmin’s bottom lip. But it was loud enough for the other to hear and he only hesitated briefly before nodding.

 

Joshua’s thumb moved from Seokmin’s lip to cup the perfect skin of his cheek. He let it caress the other boy’s cheekbone as he marvelled for a second at Seokmin’s flawless bone structure. And then he moved in, dipping his head just enough, capturing Seokmin’s lips with a soft chaste kiss. It was barely even a kiss, their lips fluttering across each other, but something burned bright inside Joshua at the touch. “Hyung...” Seokmin breathed out softly as their eyes met and lingered and then Joshua moved in for more.

 

His lips pressed harder and his tongue delicately traced Seokmin’s bottom lip. When the younger parted them slowly Joshua licked into Seokmin’s mouth tasting the sweet pineapple alcohol on his breath. He gripped Seokmin’s shirt and enjoyed the taste of his innocence as Seokmin began to kiss him back.

 

When they finally broke apart Seokmin’s eyes were glazed and his breath was shaky. His cheeks were flushed pink and Joshua melted at the sight. “How was it? Okay?” Joshua asked and Seokmin licked his lips and nodded a little dazed. “It was amazing,” he said and Joshua had to nod his agreement.

 

It was pretty amazing. He couldn’t deny it as much as he wanted to. As the music swirled around them the noise of the party faded into oblivion and Joshua pulled Seokmin close for another soft kiss.

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

Joshua rolled over and blinked in the dim light. He stretched his arms and legs a little and jumped in shock when they brushed something warm. He was in bed, his bed, but not alone. He looked over to see the sleeping face of Seokmin nestled amongst a big pile of slate coloured pillows. His face was relaxed in the throes of deep sleep and he looked perfectly peaceful. His makeup was smudged under his eyes and his hair was wildly tousled and only on noticing his bare chest did Joshua panic. He lifted the the sheet and relaxed again when he saw they were both wearing underwear.

 

Kissing was one thing, that was another. He wasn’t going to take Seokmin’s innocence the way someone took his. With sweet empty words and unsubstantiated promises of love and romance. Promises forever unfulfilled.

 

The feint and blurry memories of last night came flooding back with a rush of pineapple soaked lips and gloriously soft hands. He remembered dancing with Seokmin, feeling way too warm from the proximity of their bodies and the influence of substances, he remembered losing his self control on the dance floor.

It didn’t mean anything, he told himself, it was just kissing. It was just another part of the deal. He’d make Seokmin’s night, kissing him in front of Soonyoung, showing the selfish brat what he was missing out on. He rubbed his eyes and wondered what Seokmin saw in the man. Sure, he was cute enough, and sexy in an arrogant way. But that was all he had going for him in Joshua eyes. He really thought Seokmin deserved someone kinder and more considerate. Someone who would see him as more than just his body or his looks.

 

“What am I going to do with you Lee Seokmin?” he whispered and frowned when the other man’s face twisted into a smirk. “You could get me some water hyung after getting me so wasted last night.”

 

 

 

“I’m not ready for this?” Seokmin groaned. He had a pair of Joshua’s sunglasses planted firmly on his face as they stood outside the coffee shop in what felt like blazing sunlight. “You need some breakfast,” Joshua said as he ushered the hungover man into the brightly lit café.

 

“I can’t take them off to read the menu,” Seokmin slumped against the table and whined like a baby. He’d been hungover before but beer hungover. Never pineapple vodka and weed hungover and he felt like he could throw up. “I’ll order for you,” Joshua crooned softly at him as he went to the counter with the laminated menus in hand. He leaned over and saw him instantly wander out from the back.

 

“Good morning,” Jeonghan said brightly. He’d been at the party but clearly hadn’t indulged as much as they had. Smart, Joshua thought, considering the man had a shift the next day. “I’ll have two BLT’s, a fruit plate, two small Americanos, and two large apple juices with extra ice.” Joshua handed the menus over and Jeonghan chuckled a little as he rung the order up. “Party a little too hard last night?” He smiled as his eyes flicked over to where Seokmin had laid his head on the table.

 

“Yeah I guess so,” Joshua said as he got his wallet out. “I saw you there,” Jeonghan’s eyes flickered with flirtation as he pursed his lips and took the note from Joshua’s fingers. “I saw you guys all over each other. I was a bit surprised actually. He seems so innocent.” The words hung heavily in the air between them and Joshua didn’t know what to say next. 

 

When he handed back his change the warmth of Jeonghan’s fingers lingered on Jeonghan’s just a little too long to be coincidental. Their eyes met, the gaze fraught with a touch too much danger, and Joshua couldn’t read Jeonghan’s intentions.

 

 

He waited for the other shoe to drop. 

 

“And you don’t. Seem innocent, that is, so I have a question for you Joshua,” Jeonghan’s eyes blazed with mischief as he leaned a little closer. “When you get bored with that sweet little angel over there would you ever like to try and handle something a little wilder?”

 

“Why wait until I get bored?” Joshua flirted and Jeonghan just smirked. “Because I don’t play games like that.” “Sure,” Joshua said sarcastically as he handed over his cash. “You have a boyfriend as well if I’m not mistaken.” “Well my boyfriend is happy to share,” Jeonghan took the cash and handed Joshua back his change. “Maybe I’m not,” Joshua said as he took the money and turned to walk away.

 

“That took a while,” Seokmin said when Joshua returned. “Yeah,” Joshua said absentmindedly, his eyes wandering past Seokmin’s tired face, wavering constantly to fixate on the blond haired barista behind the counter.

 

As Jeonghan’s eyes raked over him Joshua smiled sweetly at Seokmin and reached out to stroke his hand. He couldn’t believe how well the deal was working out for both of them. He was sure Soonyoung had seen them kissing the other before and now he’d sparked the competitive nature he suspected Jeonghan had. Joshua was excellent at reading people and felt a satisfied smirk cross his lips at being right.

 

“What are you smiling at?” Seokmin groaned as he put his head down on the table again. “Just pleased with the way things are working out,” Joshua said. When he saw Jeonghan walking over with their drinks he reached out a little further and stroked Seokmin’s hand a little softer. 

 

 

“Whose that guy hyung?” The tall handsome barista asked when Jeonghan returned with the empty tray. “Just some guy,” Jeonghan said as he waited for Mingyu to finish the BLTs. “He’s got some balls flirting with you like that in front of his boyfriend,” Mingyu shook his head in disgust. He hadn’t even looked at another guy since locking things down with his boyfriend who he adored. “Yeah, the poor kid seems sweet too,” Jeonghan said as he quickly arranged the fruit plate. “I don’t know what kind of games that Joshua guy likes to play but he isn’t going to have that sweet boyfriend for long.”

 

“What about you and Seungcheol hyung?” Mingyu asked as he deftly arranged and sliced the sandwiches. “I don’t know,” Jeonghan said as he put the plates onto another tray. “He says he’s not ready for that kind of commitment so I guess I’ll just keep my options open.” Jeonghan winked at Mingyu as he carried the tray of food out of the kitchen and the younger had to laugh at the sassy sway in his hips. Jeonghan could smell trouble a mile away and he was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Mingyu wondered if his hyungs would ever grow up and settle down.


	12. Chapter 12

 

 

Seokmin bounded down the corridor. His life had taken such a turn in the last few weeks. Two months into the Deal and heads turned when he walked past. He swathed a path through the corridors on his way to dance class, smiling at people, his hands absentmindedly wandering to the stones hanging around his neck. He couldn’t wait to see Joshua and tell him what happened in vocal class this morning.

“Hey Muppet,” an arm wrapped around his neck just a little too tightly and he knew who it was. “Hey Boo,” Seokmin grinned. He was about to rock his best friends world and waited for Hansol to catch up before he dropped the news. “So,” Seokmin’s initial jubilance soon descended into his typical shyness but the news was just too good. “I got tapped to audition for the school musical. By Professor Kang,” he waited for it to sink in and Seungkwan’s eyes shot open wide. “No way! Shut up no way!” Seungkwan yelled outside the dance studio and pushed Seokmin against the wall. “Yes way. And no I won’t!” the joy in Seokmin’s eyes was palpable as his smile stretched up to his eyes.

The school musical was the pinnacle of the school year. Auditions were by invitation only and first years were never invited to audition. Well there was a first time for everything.

“I don’t even know what it is yet,” Seungkwan said with dismay as they walked in to the studio. The regulars were already warming up and the two budding singers walked past with Hansol in their wake. A small murmur went up around the room, no doubt because of the musical gossip, and Seokmin tried to avoid the eyes of the Chinese students in the corner. Soonyoung wasn’t there yet.

“Grease,” Seokmin murmured as he sat on the floor and began to stretch. His new black Skins stretched with his body and he had to smirk when he saw Seungkwan watching enviously. “Wish I had those legs….” He murmured despondently and flinched when Hansol tried to back hug him. “Don’t hug me, I’m sulking,” he said and Hansol just laughed. He was well used to the mood swings of his boyfriend and just poked him in the ribs instead. “Stop being jealous boo,” Seokmin said softly. “I can’t have you being shitty and ruining my good feeling about this. I might not even get a part, it’s just an audition, and if I do it will just be some side character.”

“Yeah…” Seungkwan said slowly as he joined in the stretching. “You’d make a great Doody!” “Doody!” Seokmin howled and dived for his friend, knocking him to the floor, jumping on him and pretending to choke him, “You’d make a good Doody! Or Putzie!” Seungkwan pushed him off just in time to see Joshua join them with a sparkle in his eye. “Hey guys! What’s all the excitement over?” Seokmin jumped up with delight and embarrassment at his boyfriend joining them; delight because he couldn’t wait to tell him the news, embarrassment at being caught acting stupid in front of the much cooler and older boy. “I’ve been asked to audition for the school musical! I’ll probably miss out or just get like a small role but still…” 

 

His words were swallowed by Joshua’s swift affection as he pulled the younger against his chest. “That’s amazing, I’m so proud of you!” he said with his eyes ablaze. “You’ve never even heard me sing hyung,” Seokmin felt suddenly shy. He knew he could sing well but he lacked confidence and was always being told to put more emotion into his voice. “You should try out too,” he whispered and Joshua shook his head. “No way, but I’ll come and watch you, okay? I’ll be there for you every step of the way and I can’t wait to see you shining on stage. I know you’ll get a part.”

Seokmin stared at the boy and wondered what he saw in him that he couldn’t see himself. He wished he could see himself through the eyes of Joshua and work out why the other boy seemed to have endless confidence in him. He could tell by the look in Joshua’s eyes that he really thought Seokmin would get a part.

But he wouldn’t be there to support him on stage even if he did. He might be in the audience, a faceless member of the crowd, but the musical wasn’t for four months and the deal was almost over. While he knew Joshua was making progress with Jeonghan, their casual flirtations developing a new level of interest, he hadn’t made any progress with Soonyoung. A realisation washed over him, as cold and shocking as a cleansing rain, and just as sudden as an unexpected storm. He didn’t care. He didn’t care about Soonyoung, had barely noticed his absence from the dance studio, and hadn’t thought about him in weeks.

Speak of the devil, he mused, as Soonyoung swanned into the room wearing a leather jacket. As soon as he saw it, he knew instantly. Soonyoung knew.

“Hey Joshua,” he said as he walked straight up to them ignoring his friends. “Hey Seungmin,” he said as he turned to Seokmin. “Heard you’re going to audition for the musical. Not something a first year would usually have the balls to do.” Seokmin cleared his throat and looked to Joshua but he couldn’t rely on him forever. The deal had an expiration date. “Ok, it’s not Seungmin, its Seokmin. And I’m auditioning because Professor Kang asked me to.” Soonyoung smirked at the boy’s quick response and moved in a little closer. “Well I hope you get a part. It will be nice to work together, I’m auditioning for Danny of course, and who knows? Maybe you might even get to be my understudy.” He winked before turning on his heels and walking over to his friends with his freshly dyed orange hair flying wildly behind him.

As he looked from the back of the departing Soonyoung, headed towards his friends with an undoubted smirk on his face, and over to Joshua Seokmin was struck. His heart skipped a beat and his breath seemed to dangle somewhere in the middle of his throat as he watched Joshua stretching his long lean legs. And the feeling, the strange and uncertain feeling in his stomach, was a churning of butterflies and fire and excitement and terror. He’d thought all along he’d had a crush on Soonyoung. A falsely misplaced feeling based on very little besides looks and shallow similarities. Similarities which weren’t really there the longer you listened and the harder you looked. He’d been so distracted over the last two months with the gentle and wonderful affections of Joshua he hadn’t even noticed his attention slipping. It was noticeable today, he was dying to see Joshua and barely cared when Soonyoung spoke to him, and it struck him like a ton of bricks.

He had a crush. A real crush. Not on Soonyoung, a silly boyish crush based on nothing, but a real crush based on real attraction and real feelings. Seokmin had a crush on Joshua and he knew he couldn’t ever confess. How could he? They’d entered this deal with open eyes, two adults looking for mutual benefits, and he couldn’t ruin it. 

 

It was him who hadn’t been able to stick to his half of the deal. He’d caught feelings for his kind and adorable hyung and now he didn’t know what to do.


	13. Chapter 13

 

 

 

“What’s the big emergency?” Seungkwan said as he met Hansol outside the cafe. “You that desperate for coffee?” “No,” Hansol said as he moved closer to the window and pointed inside. “Have a look at that.”

 

Seungkwan furrowed his brow at his boyfriend before peeking inside through the window. He didn’t know what he was looking for until he spotted Joshua leaning on the counter talking to the cute blond barista who worked there. 

 

“Joshua getting coffee? You called me all the way over here to watch Joshua hyung order coffee?” Seungkwan watched Hansol bite his lip and shake his head. “He’s been in there for over an hour. I was inside watching him, he didn’t see me, Boo he was so flirty with that guy.” Hansol’s eyes brimmed with tears and Seungkwan grabbed him by the arm and pulled him away from the window and down the street a little.

 

“Maybe it’s not what it looks like...” Seungkwan said as they sat down on a bench and Hansol buried his face in his shirt. “What if it is? Boo, I know you like Joshua hyung and I do too, but...” he rubbed his pink nose and sniffed and Seungkwan found him a tissue. “I like him. A lot. But don’t you think he got interested in Seokmin really quickly?” Seungkwan tried to get his head around what Hansol was suggesting. “You think he’s just using him? Until he finds something else?” “I don’t know,” Hansol said as he cleaned his face up and Seungkwan rubbed his hair fondly. His boyfriend might only be a month younger than him but he was such a baby and wore his heart on his sleeve. Especially when it came to his friends.

 

“What do you think we should do?” Hansol said after a fairly long silence. The air blew up around them and Seungkwan shivered at the unexpected drop in temperature. It was Hansol’s turn to do the babying and he wrapped his arms around Seungkwan to share some of his body warmth. “We can’t do anything. What are we going to do? Accuse Joshua of cheating or lying without any proof? That’s just going to hurt Seokmin. And Joshua too if he’s innocent.”

 

They sat in a heavy silence again before Seungkwan stood up and pulled Hansol by the hand. “Let’s go inside and get a cup of coffee and see how he reacts when he sees us.” Hansol smiled a little though his melancholy. Seungkwan always seemed to know what to do.

 

The little bell over the door rang as they walked in with their hands entwined. But Joshua didn’t even notice. He was so transfixed with the blond man flirting behind the counter his head didn’t even turn. Hansol threw Seungkwan a concerned look but the other pulled him by the hand to a booth in the back.

 

 

 

 

 

“You’ve been coming in a lot lately...” Jeonghan’s eyes danced as his lashes fluttered and he quickly turned back to the coffee machine. Joshua smiled at the man’s back, his shoulders broad and his waist thin, his figure accented by the uniform and apron. He admired Jeonghan’s striking shape and wondered what it would feel like to wrap his arms around him, bury his nose in Jeonghan’s neck, inhale the essence of the man’s scent. He was really very thin, Joshua thought, thinner than Seokmin. Seokmin had a flat stomach, his abs defined despite his minimal gym efforts, but he was a lot wider than Jeonghan. 

 

“So I was wondering if you want to hang out later,” Joshua was feeling bold. He wanted to get to know Jeonghan better and without a counter between them. There were only a few weeks left of the deal and he needed to make some progress. He leaned over the counter and grabbed a pen as wrote his number on a paper napkin. “What about your boyfriend?” Jeonghan asked as he chewed his bottom lip. He scrutinised the phone number before shoving it in his pocket. “I’m allowed to have friends,” Joshua said quickly and Jeonghan’s eyes sparkled again. 

 

“I’m busy tonight,” Jeonghan said as he finally finished making Joshua third latte and handed it over. “Cheol has a gig and I need to be there. But we could probably hang out tomorrow afternoon. I’m working the rest of the week.” Joshua was just about to say yes when he remembered the auditions were tomorrow. He’d promised Seokmin he’d be there. His stomach churned at the thought of disappointing the boy and he shook his head. “Sorry. I’ve got plans.” “Okay then,” Jeonghan opened the cabinet and put a cookie onto a napkin and pushed it across the counter. “Maybe next time.” 

 

He waited until Jeonghan walked away before he picked up the cookie and saw the phone number written underneath it. A smirk crossed his lips as he folded it into his pocket before grabbing the cookie and coffee and walking out of the cafe.

 

 

“Still think it’s not what it looks like?” Hansol hissed at Seungkwan who swallows thickly. The heavy lump in his throat told him it was exactly what it looked like. It was their best friends new boyfriend, the man he worshipped and idolised, blatantly flirting with another man.

 

 

 

“Hey,” Joshua called out to Seokmin as they met up in the park. There was no one around but he swept the boy up in a hug anyway. “Cookie?” he asked as Seokmin nodded and smiled brightly. “How did you rehearsal go?” Joshua asked as they linked hands and began to walk towards Joshua’s apartment. “Really great,” Seokmin said. He babbled away excitedly as he told Joshua all about the song he was planning on singing and the outfit he was going to wear. The first round of auditions was simply a song of your choice and then callbacks would be posted for those who had a chance at roles in the musical.

 

Seokmin was proud of his song choice. He’d chosen if after Joshua played it nonstop, he’d never really been into foreign music, but he wanted to do something different and Joshua had helped him with his pronunciation. The older boy never had to know it was for him. That when he stood on stage tomorrow he would be pouring his heart out thought song, expressing all the things he couldn’t say, all the emotions he would never voice. He glanced over to Joshua, his hair shining in the sun, face lit from the side giving him an ethereal glow. How had he not noticed it before? He was enraptured, so enamoured with Joshua, he’d never even come close to feeling like his before about anyone.

 

“Did you talk to Jeonghan today at the café?” he asked. He was a glutton for punishment but he couldn’t help it. He _had_ to know. “Yeah, he gave me his number actually, he wanted to hang out tomorrow but I said no,” “Why?’ Seokmin asked as the crossed the road. Then he remembered his audition. Joshua had promised he would come and watch. “Oh. D-don’t say no to him on my behalf..” Seokmin said sadly as Joshua let go of his hand to open the gate to his apartment building. “But it’s your audition and I promised you,” Joshua said as the climbed the stairs and Seokmin shook his head. “Yeah but it’s not that important. Go hang out with Jeonghan,” he said and Joshua stopped and turned. “Are you sure?” he asked and Seokmin swallowed all his feelings deep down. “I’m sure.” He said it firmly and with a conviction not reflected in his heart. Maybe it was better this way anyway. Maybe with Joshua in the audience he would be too nervous.

 

“Really?” Joshua asked again and Seokmin nodded more enthusiastically. “Of course. I’ll ask Hansol and Seungkwan to come watch instead.” “Okay, I’ll text him and tell him I’m free now,” Joshua pushed open the door of this apartment and kicked his shoes off and Seokmin followed his lead. Joshua walked straight into the kitchen, thumbs frantically tapping away at his phone, and Seokmin sank onto the couch. He felt like the weight of the world had just settled on his shoulders.


	14. Chapter 14

 

 

Seokmin stood in front of the full-length mirror and stared at himself critically. The dye in his hair was just starting to fade but he’d styled it the way Joshua had taught him. It curled up nicely away from his forehead and he gave it a last minute spray with hairspray so it didn’t flop on the way over to the auditorium. He was wearing a thin white t-shirt with a deep v-neck and a pair of blue ripped jeans. It wasn’t at all what he would have chosen for an audition but Joshua had convinced him that it was the right look for Grease and he trusted him implicitly.

His fingers wandered to the beautiful gems hanging from his neck. The soft blue and purple birthstones glittered in the poorly lit dorm room and he smiled a little. At least when the next few weeks were over he would have this. He would have his memories, his first boyfriend, his first kiss. His first gift of jewellery and his first party and his first audition. Joshua had been responsible for bringing so many firsts into his life. He wasn’t quite confident yet but Joshua had certainly imparted within him a much kinder way of thinking about himself. And as he stood in front of the mirror and inspected himself critically he smiled. He looked good and he was able to admit it.

“Hey,” a voice from behind him startled him from his musings and he turned to see his elusive dorm mate eyeing him from the doorway. “Good luck today,’ Jihoon said and Seokmin smiled. “How did you know? He asked and Jihoon rolled his eyes. “I’m the director. Of the musical. It’s my second year in charge.” Seokmin was surprised but he and Jihoon moved in different worlds and didn’t really know each other at all. They’d only been dorm roommates this year and he’d barely spoken to the guy who was never home anyway. To his surprise Jihoon walked over and clapped him on the shoulder. “I’ve heard you singing in the shower. You’ll be great.” He was gone before Seokmin even had a chance to thank him.

He gathered his things and walked out into the corridor before being met by Hansol and Seungkwan. “Support team is here!” Seungkwan announced loudly as he handed Seokmin a hot honey and lemon tea and almost ruffled his hair. “You look great,” Hansol said as they began to walk. “So where is Joshua anyway? I was sure he was the one coming to watch you.” “Something came up,” Seokmin said quickly, “something he couldn’t get out of.”

He sipped the soothing hot tea as they walked towards the auditorium. Seokmin went cold when they walked in and he saw how many people were lined up but he was distracted when Soonyoung pushed his way through the crowd. “Hey Seungjin!” he said loudly as he dragged Seokmin into the line. “You can wait with me if you like.” “It’s Seokmin,” Seokmin said but he took the place next to Soonyoung and let the infectious loudness of the smiling man distract him from his nerves.

Hansol and Seungkwan stayed silent until they slipped into their seats at the back of the theatre. “So,” Hansol said sternly, “are we going to tell him his perfect boyfriend just stood him up to go meet Jeonghan at the café?” “No,” Seungkwan said, “not today. We are going to have to tell him but now is not the time.” 

 

Seungkwan hated this. He wished he’d never even had the idea of calling in to get Seokmin a throat soothing tea, he wished they’d turned up ten minutes earlier or later, he wished his best friend wasn’t dating a cheating jerk. When they’d walked towards the café they saw Joshua standing outside waiting, his hair styled and his clothes fresh, and they’d hung back waiting to see what happened. When Jeonghan walked out and wrapped an arm around Joshua’s they’d both felt sick. 

 

But Seungkwan knew he was right – today wasn’t the day. They would support him in his audition and then maybe all go out later and have dinner and pretend that they didn’t know his boyfriend was out on a date with someone else.

 

 

 

 

Joshua’s eyes glazed over a little as they wandered along the path by the river running alongside the University campus. Jeonghan looked so pretty in the soft afternoon light but he had been talking about Surrealism for twenty minutes and Joshua was getting bored. He’d tried to sway the conversation back to something more interesting but Jeonghan only wanted to talk about Renè Margritte and late 90s Hip Hop.

 

He looked at his watch and wondered if Seokmin had worn the outfit he’d chosen for him. He wondered if he was nervous, if he was excited, if he was confident or terrified. He knew him well enough to know he was a combination of all of those emotions and more.

 

He looked at his watch for the hundredth time and his heart sank when he saw the time. Seokmin would be on stage in ten minutes. He was filled with a cold rush of regret as he looked over at the blond man still chattering away despite Joshua’s barely veiled disinterest. He was a terrible person. Even if their romantic relationship was false Seokmin was still his friend. He still cared for him, wanted the best for him, and most of all he wanted to be proud of him. Joshua’s mind wandered to the boy, nervous and excited, shifting from foot to foot waiting backstage for his time to shine. He could picture it so clearly.

He'd helped him with the song. It was one of Joshua’s favourites. He had an obsession with 90s soft rock and had introduced Seokmin to so many of his favourites the boy hadn’t even heard of. But this one was special to Joshua and Seokmin’s instant love of it had cemented their bond as friends in his eyes. They had so much in common despite their differences on the surface. He’d had so much fun helping Seokmin with his pronunciation of the foreign words and he’d explained the meaning of them to him over and over again. And now he was going to miss out. He really wanted to see Seokmin, standing solitary in the spotlight he deserved, letting his voice soar high and clear and strong.

He turned to Jeonghan, still chattering about whatever, and interrupted him. “Sorry, this has been fun, but I really have to go. I just remembered I’m missing something important.” He didn’t wait to hear the response as he took off at a jog, dumping his coffee cup in the first bin he saw, speeding up to a sprint as he crossed the park.

 

He hoped if he ran fast enough he could still make it.


	15. Chapter 15

 

 

He was next. He’d been so impressed with Soonyoung, who had gone right before him, that he felt like he was going to pass out. Soonyoung had sung and danced a smooth and sexy number that, weeks ago, would have made him feel hot and flustered. Now it just made him feel inadequate. His stomach churned and he felt like he wanted to throw up. But then his name was being called and the spotlight was on and he had no choice but to walk out and stare into the endless black abyss of the crowd.

“M-my name is Lee Seokmin and I’ll be singing Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls,”

A flash of bright light drew his attention to the back of the auditorium where the door was cracked open. He saw a figure slip inside and his heart began to pound in his chest as he saw Joshua walking down the centre aisle to sit near the front. The black abyss of the faceless crowd suddenly had a face and a meaning and a purpose. He felt the emotion rising up but didn’t let it reach his eyes as he began to sing the words Joshua had introduced him to and helped him to learn so diligently.

_And I'd give up forever to touch you_  
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now

 

_And all I can taste is this moment_  
And all I can breathe is your life  
And sooner or later it's over  
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

 

_And I don't want the world to see me_  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's meant to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am

 

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
When everything feels like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

 

_And I don't want the world to see me_  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's meant to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am

 

He sang the words and poured his heart out on stage for the man who would never know. The man who sat and watched, who accidentally and unknowingly taught him how to feel and how to love, who would never understand the moments of truth in Seokmin’s lies and his own. Who could never understand what Seokmin would give up to be able to stay in his arms forever.

 

He sang and remembered that night, the night Joshua gave him his first real kiss in front of the whole world, and made him feel like he was in a movie. And he felt so broken inside as he sang and tears filled his eyes and he couldn’t fight them. He was so lost, he didn’t know how he was going to let this end, how he could ever forget the taste of Joshua on his tongue, the warmth of his breath buried into his neck.

 

He wanted to live this lie forever because he didn’t know how to make it the truth.

 

 

 

 

Joshua sat in the audience mesmerised. He’d heard Seokmin sing when he was helping him with the song but he’d never heard him really sing. Not like this. Loud and strong, his voice was beautiful, the words clear and filled with genuine and overwhelming emotion. Standing in the spotlight he looked and sounded like an angel and Joshua felt a lump in his throat formed as he listened to his favorited song reimagined in a way he’d never expected. There was no accompaniment, no microphone, no movement. Just Seokmin and his beautiful voice, his eyes shining with tears, his ethereal presence filling the room. 

 

The sparse audience sat in stunned silence until it was over and then they started clapping. Joshua didn’t clap at first. He couldn’t bring himself to admit that it was over when all he wanted to do was live right here in this moment forever and never walk away. But he didn’t know how else he could show him so he he just stood and clapped like everyone else with his chest empty and hollow and cold.

 

 

Seokmin blushed at the warm reception, his cheeks heating up; his concentration wavered now the song was over. When he looked over at Joshua standing and clapping, one of his cheeks streaked with a single tear, he felt like he’d already won. He might not have the strikingly soft good looks of Jeonghan, or the charismatic and sexy aura, but Joshua had come here to see him sing and he’d sang just for him. It was the only way he could express himself and show how he truly felt under the lies and false words of their deal.

 

 

Joshua slipped out of his seat and quickly made his way backstage. He wanted to be the first to congratulate Seokmin and tell him how proud he was. After all, regardless of the truth people still thought he was Seokmin’s boyfriend; he needed to play his part well. He pushed past a few people still waiting in line and walked around a corner to find Seokmin smiling and talking to Soonyoung and his heart sank. Seokmin was all flushed cheeks and bright smiles as the other man chattered away and Joshua hung back as he watched Soonyoung hand his phone over and Seokmin tap away at the screen. He handed it back and nodded at the dancer and took his own phone out of his pocket. When he saw Joshua lingering in the shadows he said goodbye to Soonyoung and skipped happily over to his boyfriend.

“You came,” he breathed softly as Joshua wrapped him up in his arms. “Of course I came. I couldn’t miss it no matter how hard I tried,” Joshua said as he threw Soonyoung a dirty look over Seokmin’s shoulder. The man had some nerve hitting on a guy while his boyfriend was standing right there. They broke apart and Seokmin linked his arm through Joshua’s but the older slipped it out and grabbed his hand tightly instead. “I’m so proud of you,” he said and the sincerity in his voice was thick as he pressed a warm gentle kiss to Seokmin’s forehead. 

 

They walked outside and blinked in the sunset light still bright as shades of pink and purple and gold danced across the horizon. They wandered slowly in the direction of Joshua’s apartment with their hands still linked as Seokmin babbled away happily about the audition. “And then, the best part hyung, Soonyoung remembered my name! And gave me his phone number. He said my singing was incredible and we decided that if I helped him with singing he would give me some dance tips.” He hadn’t stopped smiling and Joshua didn’t know what was brighter – the warm expression on Seokmin’s face or the slowly sinking sun. He knew what was more beautiful. He also knew that seeing Seokmin with Soonyoung had given him a churning jealousy in his stomach that he never expected. He didn’t want them spending time together, especially just the two of them, not while he and Seokmin were still a thing. Their deal wasn’t over yet.

“How was your afternoon with Jeonghan? I hope you didn’t end your date early to catch the audition.” Joshua cleared his throat carefully and shook his head. “It was nice. Jeonghan was nice. He was tired so we cut it short and I was near the theatre anyway..” He didn’t know why he lied. Maybe if he hadn’t seen Seokmin’s pure joy and happiness at getting Soonyoung’s number he would have told the truth. That despite his history, his pain and his tender heart, his fear of being hurt again, Joshua had spent the whole afternoon with Jeonghan thinking about Seokmin. That the beautiful blond haired barista was pretty to look at, flirty and sexy and wild, but utterly boring and vapid. That he never regretted for a second leaving him standing alone in the park while he sprinted across the campus just in time to see Seokmin singing on stage.

The old Joshua, the Joshua he used to be before he was used and hurt and ran away for a new life, would have been honest with himself. He would have told Seokmin he looked like an angel standing in the single spotlight, that his voice was heavenly, when he heard him singing the heartfelt words to one of his favourite songs he imagined he was singing just for him.. The old Joshua would have had the balls to be real and honest and open his heart to the gentle man clinging to his hand and stealing his breath with every smile.

The new Joshua was a coward. He squeezed Seokmin’s hand a little tighter and walked a little closer. They still had two weeks left and maybe if he could convince Seokmin to extend the deal he might be able to just enjoy him for a little longer. He doubted Seokmin would agree though. Now he had Soonyoung’s attention and his phone number he would want to pursue him and he would want to be free.


	16. Chapter 16

 

 

_One week._

That’s all they had left of the deal. The expiry date was almost up.

 

 

 

Seokmin was miserable and desperately hoped Joshua would want to extend the deal. He wasn’t sure he would now that he had Jeonghan’s number. The blond man didn’t seem like he was going to give up his boyfriend any time soon but Joshua was constantly telling Seokmin he wasn’t after commitment anyway. It was all a part of the deal. He wanted fun and freedom and excitement, definitely not commitment, and it made Seokmin feel achingly sad. Joshua was so loving, he could tell he had a big heart, and he’d been such an amazing pretend boyfriend. So great that Seokmin wished it was real. That he hoped it was real no matter how delusional his hoped and dreams were.

 

He slowly dressed in his expensive active wear that Joshua had bought him and inspected himself in the mirror. He left his hair loose and hinging against his forehead but then, on a whim, he grabbed a headband and used it to push his hair back a bit. He’d never had the confidence to even try something like this before but he was going to have to try something. He needed to be more confident, sexier, more of what Joshua wanted. He was running out of time.

He walked out of his room and found a note attached to the refrigerator door. It said ‘call-backs posted this afternoon’ and Seokmin’s stomach churned. Even though he was only a first year he was hopeful of getting a call back for a minor part. Maybe even one of the second tier characters. He’d really love to play one of the comedic roles, Sonny or one of the other T Birds, but he tried not to get his hopes up too high. No good could come of having high expectations; it was a surefire road to disappointment. He’d be lucky to even get a part as an extra.

 

After Seokmin ate an apple and drank some water he grabbed his bag, walked out of the dorms and across the dew covered grass towards the dance practice rooms. He was dreading dance class less and less lately. Ever since he sorted out his feelings for Soonyoung and happily relegated them to platonic he didn’t feel so nervous around him and it was showing in his confidence in class. If he could get some extra help from Soonyoung he would fly through the rest of the course. He might even come back next semester. He smiled to himself as he swung his bag over his back and admired the sparkling dampness of the grass in the morning sun.

“Hey,” Seungkwan said as he crept up next to him. “Hi,” Seokmin said as he looked over to see Hansol appear on his other side. “What’s up?” They both looked sullen and serious at him and Seokmin’s stomach quickly sank. Maybe they’d already seen the call back lists? Maybe something else was wrong? They stared at him before Seungkwan grabbed him by both hands and stopped him from walking. “Seokmin,” Seungkwan said slowly as he stared at the older boy, “just remember we love you and we are here for you. No matter what. Okay?” “Ah, okay, you’re kind of freaking me out,” Seokmin said as he began to look around. “What’s going on?” “We think Joshua is cheating on you.” Hansol spat out, his voice trembling, his hands shaking as he put one around Seokmin’s shoulder. “Yesterday when he wasn’t at your audition we saw him. With that Jeonghan guy. They looked like they were on a date.” Hansol frowned as tears filled his big brown eyes. “And we saw them before flirting in the coffee shop. We saw him giving Joshua his phone number,” Seungkwan said. “Seokmin I’m so sorry.”

 

“H-he’s not cheating on me,” Seokmin couldn’t think quickly on the spot. “I know he’s friends with Jeonghan. I’m not worried about it. Joshua’s just friendly. He’s that sort of guy.” He couldn’t confess and tell them the truth, that it was all a lie, their whole relationship was just a deal. He couldn’t face the truth. He watched the concern in Hansol’s face spread to Seungkwan who went to say something and then shut his mouth and began to walk. “Okay Seokmin, whatever you say,” he said and Seokmin knew he wasn’t convinced. Neither of them were and guilt churned in his stomach. Seokmin had never lied to his friends before.

 “Hey Seokmin!” A loud voice called out and Seokmin turned to see Soonyoung rushing towards him, hair flying wildly, bag trailing behind. He was like a constantly moving hurricane, Seokmin had realised, creating noise and chaos in his wake. How could he ever have thought they would make an ideal pair? Seokmin needed someone to temper his own impetuousness, someone to sooth and calm his own verve and vigour, a panacea for his nervous energy. He knew now that as friends he and Soonyoung would be a powerhouse of energy but could never work as a couple. 

 

“I heard call backs are going to be posted this afternoon. Want to walk over after class and have a look?” Soonyoung swung an arm over Seokmin’s shoulders making the other man blush at the sudden and unexpected touch. “Y-yeah sure,” Seokmin stammered out as he walked along the corridor with the popular dancer plastered to his side. When they arrived at the dance studio heads turned when the pair walked in with Seungkwan and Hansol trailing behind them. “Wait for me after class,” Soonyoung said as he dropped his arm and walked over to his friends, “nice headband!”

“When did you two start getting along?” Hansol asked as his eyes narrowed. Joshua was standing in the doorway. He must have been walking behind them along the corridor and he didn’t look very happy. “We kind of just clicked at the auditions and now we’re friends,” Seokmin said as his eyes lit up at the sight of Joshua. He waved him over and the older man walked towards him and sat down on the floor beside his boyfriend. Seokmin quickly scooted his butt across the floor and made room for Joshua to stretch next to him. “What was that all about?” he asked quietly and Seokmin knew what he was talking about. “Soonyoung wanted to let me know about callbacks being posted today.”

Before anyone could say anything else the music kicked in and Seokmin had to move. He moved better than he ever had before, he danced with a new confidence dug up from somewhere deep inside his stomach, he danced with the purpose and intensity of someone who was good and knew it. As he danced he wondered if he was going to get a callback for a part. He hoped so and he hoped Soonyoung might be able to help him dance well enough to make a good impression on his peers. Above all else he hoped he could dance well enough to make Joshua proud.

Before he knew it class was over. Seokmin towelled his forehead dry and quickly gathered his bags. He walked towards the door and grinned when he saw Soonyoung waiting for him just ouside. “Hey,” Joshua grabbed him by the arm and pulled him close, “where are you going? I thought we’d go tot the coffee shop today.” Seokmin turned to look at Joshua, his eyes so full of hope, and he felt so bad. He knew he’d promised him he would go to the coffee shop but surely now he was talking with Jeonghan he’d rather go alone anyway.

 

“Just go without me,” he said softly as he looked over at Soonyoung. “I’m going to go check the call back lists and see if I got another audition.” Joshua couldn’t hide the disappointment on his face and it had Seokmin so confused. The older would still get to go and make some more progress with Jeonghan, more so without Seokmin hanging off him, and wasn’t that the ultimate goal of the deal? Seokmin didn’t expect Joshua to stick by him longer than he had to. Not now he was already going on dates with Jeonghan. 

 

Not now Joshua was getting what he really wanted.


	17. Chapter 17

 

 

“I can’t look. I’m too scared...” Seokmin danced around from one foot to the other as Soonyoung pushed him aside. “I’ll look,” he said and Seokmin waited with his eyes closed. “Aw man,” Soonyoung grumbled and Seokmin’s face fell as his eyes opened. “Didn’t I get it?” He turned to look at the list right as Soonyoung dissolved into giggles and punched his shoulder. “I was just grumbling because we both got callbacks and I don’t want to go up against you again!”

 

He couldn’t believe it. His subconscious made him look around for Joshua, excited to tell him and see the glimmer of pride in his eyes, but then he remembered. Joshua wasn’t here. He was at the coffee shop making heart eyes at Jeonghan while he was here with Soonyoung. Exactly how it was supposed to be.

 

“Cast callbacks!” Soonyoung yelled as he swung an arm around Seokmin’s shoulder as they moved out of the way for others. “Can you believe it?” the man yelled loudly as they began to walk away. “We need to celebrate. Junhui and Minghao will have to have a party!” He stopped to grab his phone out and resumed his walking and leaning on Seokmin as he chatted animatedly on the phone to his friends bubbling out instructions and suggestions. Seokmin wasn’t even sure where they were going as the older boy began to steer him back towards the dorms.

 

“Which building is yours?” Soonyoung asked and Seokmin pointed. “I’ll walk you home,” Soonyoung said as he continued to keep up with his constant and incessant chatter. Seokmin wasn’t even sure what he was talking about any more. His mind began to wander as he longed for the soothing company of Joshua beside him instead of this walking talking noise machine wrapped up in adorable packaging. He wondered what Joshua was doing, if he was sitting in the corner looking like the perfect dream boyfriend, his fluffy brown hair askew as he stared wistfully at the stunning blond barista behind the counter. Joshua and Jeonghan were made for each other with their beautiful looks and their matching aesthetic. They should be in coffee advertisements together or sitting in the park reading poetry to each other. It made Seokmin feel sick.

 

He snapped back to reality to find Soonyoung still babbling on about something which turned out to be whether or not he should wear a full 50s style suit to the callback. “I have one somewhere but I’m pretty sure Minghao used it on the scarecrow we made that time we went down to the beach and he thought the seagulls were trying to steal his vodka.... anyway do you think a cat can wear a bow tie? And by can I mean should? If the occasion calls for it?” Soonyoung finally stopped talking to take a breath and grinned at Seokmin who shrugged. He didn’t have a more appropriate response ready.

 

“Coming to my party tonight?” he asked and Seokmin nodded. “I can bring my friends right?” Soonyoung smirked. “You can bring them. And your tall, handsome, sophisticated foreign boyfriend.” Seokmin blushed as he remembered confessing to Soonyoung and how stinging the rejection was. Now he knew him better he understood what the boy had been talking about. Soonyoung had the attention span of a squashed pumpkin and was definitely not made for commitment. Especially the kind of commitment a sweet, virginal, romantic boy like Seokmin wanted. “I, ah, I’m really embarrassed about that,” Seokmin knew he had to bring it up. “I don’t know what I was thinking when I confessed to you.” His hands went nervously into his hair and Soonyoung just chuckled at him. “I just thought you were so, um, talented and sexy, and so popular,” Seokmin blushed as Soonyoung winked at him. “And what do you think of me now?” He waggled his eyebrows up and down and Seokmin laughed. “Well, hyung, I still think you’re all those things. But I definitely think we’d made great friends.” “I like the sound of that,” Soonyoung swung his arm around Seokmin again as they walked briskly towards Seokmin’s dorm.

 

“You want to come in?” Soonyoung swung to door open and Soonyoung shook his head. “Got a party to plan. Come anytime after 7!” He didn’t wait for Seokmin to say goodbye as he turned and whirled away down the corridor leaving Seokmin smiling in his wake. He shook his head a little as he wondered what he had been thinking. Him and Soonyoung together would be a nightmare.

 

“Hey,” Jihoon was seated on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table. A laptop balanced precariously on his knees as he sipped at a cup of Coke as big as his head. “I guess your good mood means you’ve seen the lists.” “I still can’t believe it,” Seokmin’s smile was so wide his cheeks were beginning to hurt, “I never expected this.” “You were really great,” Jihoon said as he leaned over and put the cup down. “I’ve listened to a lot of people sing and I’ve never heard anyone sing with such emotion before. If you get that part I might have to give Joshua free tickets to every show.” Seokmin went red for the millionth time today. Every thought of his pretend boyfriend made his cheeks heat up and his nose and ears turn pink and he quickly retreated to his room.

 

He pressed his back against the door and quickly formulated a plan. 

 

“Hey Hansol,” He said brightly when his friend answered the phone. “Soonyoung invited us to a party tonight,” he said quickly as he began to rummage through his clothes, “Do you guys want to come?” Seokmin listened to muffled voices before Seungkwan obviously grabbed the phone. “Seokmin, what exactly is going on? Does Joshua know you’re hanging out with Soonyoung?” “Of course,” Seokmin sighed heavily. This was getting so complicated and he half wished his friends didn’t care about him so much. “Nothing weird is going on, okay? Soonyoung told me to invite Joshua.” He knew the personal invite from the popular dancers would be too much for Seungkwan to resist. “Fine. Meet at your dorm at 7:30,” Seungkwan said before abruptly hanging up. He didn’t even ask about the callback.

 

 

Seokmin chose a nice button up shirt, black with a white pattern, and black ripped jeans. Things Joshua had gifted him so he knew he would like them. He picked up his phone and sent a text to Joshua about the party and hoped with every fibre of his soul that he would want to come. He remembered what had happened last time they went to a party, how the warm courage of alcohol and weed had led to them kissing in the middle of the dance floor and he felt hot all over. The kiss, the best moment of his life so far, he could still feel it as he remembered the heat of Joshua’s hands on his body. He wanted it again. He wanted more. He wanted things he’d never wanted before, the weight of Joshua’s body on top of his, the warmth of bare skin under heavy blankets, an insatiable need to open himself up and give it all to Joshua. Everything he could give. He wanted slick kisses and urgent hands and heat and desire and pleasure. He wanted it all.

 

Maybe he could somehow walk the fine line between drunk enough to act on his feelings without being so drunk he did something stupid. Something he would regret. Maybe he could just hope for a crumb of Joshua’s affection and attention and be happy with that. Maybe he could try and be sexy, alluring and sophisticated, and hope like hell Jeonghan wasn’t around to compete with.

 

He had to try something. This party might be his last chance.

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who leaves me nice and encouraging comments on this story. I’m so in love with writing this ship and I’m happy you are enjoying it too

 

Joshua’s heart leapt out of his chest at the buzz of his phone. He’d been laying in the dim silence for who knows how long just staring at the roof. His chest felt heavy and his stomach churned at the image burned into his brain of Soonyoung leading Seokmin away by the arm. Two bright souls with sparkling smiles walking away happy and excited. They were perfect for each other.

 

He was running out of time.

 

When Seokmin had left him he couldn’t be bothered going to the cafe. He just didn’t have the energy. Trying to put up this front, trying to be someone he wasn’t, it was just so exhausting. He was doing a great job of appearing to be worldly and mature, experienced and sophisticated, when inside he was just insecure and sad. Sad that he had the most amazing man in his grasp and he didn’t know how to hold on.

 

He couldn’t believe he’d fallen into the same situation despite intentionally setting out to avoid it. Somehow he’d ended up craving the sweet beguiling lips and breathless embrace of pure innocence. It was addicting. 

 

The hurt was bubbling just below the surface but the thought of Seokmin’s gleaming white smile chased it back down. He wasn’t the same, he wasn’t Joshua’s ex, he couldn’t guarantee the same thing would happen. Maybe if he let him go things wouldn’t work out between Seokmin and Soonyoung and Joshua could be there to pick up the pieces?

 

“Ugh. You’re such a disgusting pig,” he swore out loud, ashamed of himself beyond words. How sick could he be to wish heartbreak on the innocent boy just so he could catch him when he fell? He was a horrible person. But he didn’t know what else to do to. Seokmin wasn’t his, he never was, he knew he couldn’t keep him forever. When he read the text his heart began to beat back into life at the hope that, if not forever, he could at least have him for the night. He quickly text back his reply and jumped off the bed to get ready.

 

 

 

Two hours later he was walking briskly across the damp sports oval from his apartment to the dorms. On a whim he turned left instead of right at the edge of the oval and headed in the direction of the convenience store on the corner. The selection was small but they were fresh and he chose a short stemmed bunch of pink roses. Corny, cheesy and so clichéd. Seokmin would love them. He clutched them tight as he walked the rest of the way into the dorms and knocked at the door. Footsteps pounded behind the wood and it was suddenly flung open to reveal a widely grinning Seokmin flushed and excited. “I got a callback for the cast!” He said and Joshua’s smile matched his. “Really? That’s amazing!” He revealed the bunch of pink roses from behind his back and pressed them towards Seokmin who looked at him quizzically. “Hyung,” he whispered as he looked around, “you didn’t have to. I mean, it’s just us here, no one’s watching.” “I wanted to,” the urgency in Joshua’s voice covered his nervousness as he pressed them against Seokmin’s chest. “Don’t you like them?”

 

Seokmin’s cheeks turned the same shade as the flowers as he smiled down at them. “They’re beautiful,” he said wistfully as they finally moved out of the doorway. 

 

Joshua watched Seokmin as he moved around the dorm gathering his things. He looked amazing, dressed just the way Joshua liked him, button up open at the collar and jeans tightly hugging his thighs. He felt suddenly hot as he watched Seokmin lean over a little too low as he grabbed his keys from the desk by the wall. “Ready?” He asked, turning around, and Joshua shook his head clear. “Ready!” He said.

 

“So, this is awkward, but Seungkwan and Hansol think you’re cheating on me,” Seokmin said as they headed across the campus towards the share house. “They saw you at the coffee shop flirting with Jeonghan.” Joshua racked his brain trying to remember exactly what they could have seen. He hadn’t been to the coffee shop in days. “Oh, last week?” His voice had a tremble that gave away his regret. “D-did you tell them...” “That they were mistaken? Of course I did,” Seokmin said. Joshua scrambled in the dark for his hand and squeezed it tight as he felt like his tenuous grasp on their relationship slipped a little further. He hated the idea that Seokmin’s friends thought he was cheating on him.

 

He held on tight as the darkness of the walk gave way to the bright lights of the share house. Just like last time the grass was littered with people, mostly couples, escaping the noise of the crowd. Joshua led Seokmin straight inside and into the kitchen where they helped themselves to beers from a bucket. “We really should start bringing something with us...” Seokmin said but he opened the beer anyway and took a big long gulp.

 

“You came!” Soonyoung appeared from nowhere, loud as hell and very pink cheeked, throwing an arm around Seokmin’s shoulder. “I want you to come meet some people,” he said before tossing a glance Joshua’s way. “Don’t worry. I’m not stealing your boyfriend,” he said to Joshua who had no choice but to nod and let Seokmin go. He wandered alone, a little lost, and found himself out on the back deck where he immediately ran into the scrutiny of Hansol and Seungkwan. “Hi guys,” he said as he slowly approached them like wounded prey. “I don’t know what, um, what you think you saw....” he took another long drink swallowing half the beer in the bottle. “Im not cheating on him. I would never.”

 

Seungkwan eyed him suspiciously. “Jeonghan and I are just friends.” Joshua looked over at Hansol who was staring at the ground. “Okay, sure, so do you love him?” Seungkwan said and Joshua wanted the ground to swallow him. “I, ah, I’m not sure yet. I think so? But I know I definitely like him a lot and, yeah...” Joshua didn’t know what to say to convince Seungkwan and was surprised to see the younger boy nod. “Okay, fine, we believe you,” he said and Hansol’s head snapped up. “We do?” He wasn’t convinced.

 

Joshua breathed a sigh of relief when Seokmin appeared out of nowhere and in his arms. “Soonyoung gave me shots,” he grinned and Joshua couldn’t resist booping his red nose. “Did you just boop me?” Seokmin laughed and Joshua nodded before leaning over and pressing a kiss on the end of his nose instead. “Hyung,” Seokmin said softly as he blushed and stared at the ground and Joshua felt a blame burn up in his stomach at the gently breathy word.

 

He was so beautiful. So bright, so talented, so absolutely lovely. He was kind and fun and so innocent. “Soonyoung gave me shots,” he giggled and Joshua smiled at him. “You already said that,” he laughed softly and grabbed his arm. “Let’s get you some water hey?” He steered him towards the kitchen leaving Seungkwan and Hansol behind.

 

“Are you okay?” Joshua asked as he pressed a bottle of lemonade into Seokmin’s hands. He couldn’t find any water anywhere. “Sure! I’m fine!” He giggled as Joshua opened another bottle. “Beer!” Seokmin’s hand shot out to grab for it and Joshua dodged him easily. “No more beer for you babe,” he said before he even realised what he was saying and the next thing he knew he had Seokmin buried against his chest. “Drink your lemonade,” he said quietly as he ran a hand through the dark hair tickling his neck. “You drink YOUR lemonade,” Seokmin giggled as he tried again, unsuccessfully, to take Joshua’s beer.

 

Joshua knew he should be ashamed of himself but he liked this giggly half-drunk Seokmin so much. “Want to go outside and get some fresh air?” he asked and Seokmin nodded as he snuggled into Joshua’s chest.

 

Joshua could tell Seokmin’s head was cleaning a little as they sat outside in the cool fresh air. “I can’t believe I’m here...” Seokmin muttered as he rolled over a little onto his side. He was stretched out on the grass with his head in Joshua’s lap and a cool breeze blew refreshingly around them. “Here?” Joshua said quizzically as he finished his beer and reached over for another one from beside him. “Here, personally invited to a party by the popular people, after getting a callback...” his voice trailed off as he sat up and took the beer from Joshua’s hand and swallowed a big mouthful. “Here with you...” he said, his voice coming out as barely a whisper, his eyes trailing down to Joshua’s lips as he handed the beer back.

 

Joshua watched him watch his lips as he drank from the beer bottle. The noise of the party seemed to buzz in the distance as they fell cocooned into their own world of warm tipsy fuzz. Joshua couldn’t resist. He lifted a hand to Seokmin’s cheek and stroked his defined cheekbone before running his thumb over the apple of his cheek. “You’re gorgeous,” he murmured before leaning in. He was running on instinct and it felt so right to give in. 

 

When their lips met it was even better than he remembered. Seokmin’s lips tasted of beer and lemonade and sweet purity and Joshua leaned closer as he wrapped a hand around his nape. “Mmmmm....” Seokmin groaned a little as their lips broke apart and Joshua felt it all the way down to his stomach. 

 

“Hyung,” the word rippled through Joshua’s body again. “Hyung, if I was really your boyfriend would you take me home tonight?” Seokmin’s words were whispered against Joshua’s neck leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake.

 

“Of course. I’ll take you home anyway Seokmin, I’ll always take care of you, no matter where things stand between us.” Joshua had to guard his words carefully. He was drunk and Seokmin was too and it was making it harder for him to control himself. “That’s not what I meant...” Seokmin’s voice switched from sexy to whining in a second. “I mean, like if this was all real, would you... you know. Take me home and into your bed. Touch me... kiss me...” Seokmin’s words were melting against Joshua’s skin again turning his flesh into fire. “I would..” he heard himself say. “I’d take you home right now.”

 

When Seokmin looked into his eyes, so soft and full of hope, Joshua was powerless to resist him. “Please Hyung,” He murmured as he stared at Joshua’s lips. “Can’t we pretend a little more?”

 

Joshua cursed his lack of self control but at the end of the day he was only human. He grabbed Seokmin by the hand and began to lead him out of the party and home to his apartment and down a path he knew they could never come back from.

 

In that moment he didn’t care. Nothing mattered but the tentative grasp on the boy next to him and the relentless desire to keep him that burned inside. Fuck the new Joshua, he thought as he dragged a giggling Seokmin behind him across the damp grass, he’d enjoy as much of him as he could before he lost him to Soonyoung.

 

 

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

 

 

The silence in his apartment seemed more deafening than the party ever had. “You want another drink?” Joshua asked nervously as he turned a few lights on. He was distracting himself from the situation, his consciousness understood this, but he still left Seokmin standing awkwardly in the middle of the living room while he opened and closed the fridge.

 

“Do you have any Coke?” Seokmin called out as Joshua hid him face in the fridge. He grabbed two cans out and couldn’t put it off any longer. He walked over and handed one to Seokmin who smiled shyly as he took it. He was so beautiful, so special, Joshua was so torn. He wanted him so bad. He wanted to claw at him and taste his body, he wanted to drag his desperate fingertips across Seokmin’s perfectly untouched skin, he wanted to be the first person ever to feel him from the inside. 

 

“How drunk are you?” He asked him again, his eyes searching for at least a level of understanding of the gravitas of what he was asking Joshua to do. “Drunk enough to want this and not to be ashamed of asking you,” Seokmin put the can down on the coffee table and moved himself into Joshua’s arms. “I know what I’m doing hyung. I’m not that drunk. I just kind of.... you know what? Just forget it.” Seokmin could feel the uncertainty steaming off Joshua in thick waves. He stuck his bottom lip out in a sulk as he turned towards the door. “I can’t force you to want me I guess.....” his shoulders slumped as he reached for the door

and Joshua grabbed his hand before he could turn the handle. “Wait...” his eyes blazed as he stared at the other man pouting with tears in his eyes. “Don’t leave. I’m just-“ Seokmin moved back into his arms and ran his hands up the back of Joshua’s shirt making the older shiver. “Please be my first, I don’t want it to be anyone but you hyung. What are you so afraid of?”

 

You have no idea.

 

He wanted him so bad. Their tongues met and clashed in a kiss which could be described as nothing but desperate. Joshua was frantic to taste the younger, his tongue licking inside every inch of Seokmin’s mouth that he could reach. He couldn’t stop himself. He’d always considered himself to have some semblance of self control but as he pushed Seokmin against the wall and pressed his hips hard against him he knew that was over. Everything had been different since Seokmin came into his life.

 

They stumbled across the apartment to the bedroom and Joshua pushed Seokmin down onto the bed. His painful past, his dimly lit nights lying pliant and willing under his clumsy ex boyfriend, he pushed it all aside. When he looked down at Seokmin underneath his body he wanted to make this perfect for him. His uncertainty steeled itself into resolve as he was overtaken with desire. Desire for the sensual pleasure of Seokmin’s naked skin against his, desire to take something Seokmin could never give to anyone else, most of all the overwhelming desire to do this the way Seokmin deserved. He wanted to make it good, gentle and warm, pleasurable and enjoyable. The way he wished someone had made his first time. The boy underneath him deserved nothing less.

 

His fingers trembled a little as he unbuttoned Seokmin’s shirt. The low light of the bedroom hid nothing as the smooth expanse of muscle and skin was exposed making Joshua hungry for it under his fingertips. “You’re so beautiful,” he murmured as he trailed his fingers softly across the hard muscular chest making Seokmin giggle gently. “Hyung, you’re making me feel shy,” he whispered and it was too much for Joshua to take. He pressed a kiss against the hard bone of his sternum before taking one small pink nipple in his mouth. He rolled his tongue around it drawing a soft sound from Seokmin’s lips that went straight to his cock. He was so into this, way more than he had ever been before, there was something almost carnal about the effect Seokmin had on him.

 

He sucked lazily at the nipple hardening in his mouth before moving to the other leaving hot wet kisses in his mouths wake. Seokmin moaned again, behind his hand this time, and Joshua reached up to pull the hand away. “Let me hear you baby. You don’t need to feel shy. It’s me.” Seokmin nodded and arched his back as Joshua’s lips sucked their way down the centre of his chest to his bellybutton. 

 

After trailing soft kisses across his hairless chest the strip of hair below his bellybutton was a delight. Joshua lapped at it with his tongue while his hands caressed every inch of skin they could reach before trawling inside the waistband of Seokmin’s jeans. “Are you sure?” Joshua asked again and Seokmin nodded. “Say it,” Joshua whispered as he began to unbutton his fly. “I need to hear it. I need to know you want this.” 

 

“I want it,” Seokmin said, the strain in his voice evident, his hips bucking up to help as Joshua pulled his jeans and boxers off in one swift movement. “I want it so bad hyung,” he leaned up on his elbows as he watched Joshua settle between his bare thighs and Joshua groaned aloud. He’d dreamed of this, of having Seokmin’s deliciously thick thighs wrapped around his face, suffocating in the milky white skin as he worked the boy open with his fingers and his tongue. He’d never done this before in real life but he’d imagined doing this to Seokmin a hundred times over. He moved from his spot kneeling on the floor and quickly shed his own clothes, happy for the dim light to hide his own shyness, before he went to his bedside cupboard.

 

“What are you doing?” Seokmin asked, the slight whine in his voice so cute to Joshua, and he quickly searched for what he needed. “I’m getting lube. Otherwise this will hurt and I’d never want to hurt you,” his voice was thick and husky with sincerity as he moved back between Seokmin’s legs. He’d never said anything he meant so much.

 

 

Seokmin’s stomach was a fluttering mix of nerves and excitement. Even though he felt like he had to talk Joshua into doing it he’d spoken the truth. He couldn’t think of anyone he’d rather have for his first. Joshua was his first kiss, his first love, now they’d have something special he could hold on to forever. He listened to the rustle and click of Joshua moving around and opening the lube and he lay in a catatonic state of anticipation. 

 

He was a virgin but he wasn’t totally innocent. He’d seen things and heard things and had listened to Seungkwan and Hansol talking about all kinds of stuff. He knew what to expect. Probably a fair amount of pain and a little pleasure and more than enough awkwardness and embarrassment.

 

He held his breath as he felt a fingertip teasing his entrance, the touch light and testing, just a taste of what was to come. He tensed up a little, he couldn’t help it, and relaxed when he felt the unexpected. The hot wet sensation of Joshua’s mouth around his half hard cock was indescribable. He felt himself stiffen immediately, nerves thrown out of the equation, nothing tangible but pure pleasure coursing through his veins.

 

Joshua sucked slowly and gently. Everything had to be careful, every touch gentle, every movement comforting. He could feel the tension in Seokmin’s body melting away as his tongue teased the tip of his cock and he pressed a finger to his entrance again. He sucked slowly as he pushed a finger inside and finally drew a loud moan from Seokmin’s lips. “Ahhhhh.... hyung....” Seokmin groaned as he writhed under Joshua’s touch. Joshua pushed a finger all the way inside him right up to the knuckle and held it there, still as he lifted his lips, pressing a kiss on the tip of Seokmin’s cock. “Say my name baby, please..” Joshua said as he lapped at the pearls of fluid beading on the tip and drew his finger out. He pushed back in with two and Seokmin’s body arched underneath him, beautiful in its curve, the tense and relax of his muscles driving Joshua crazy. 

 

“God, you’re so beautiful baby, wow...” Joshua couldn’t stop the praise dripping from his lips as he gently worked Seokmin open. His mouth nipped at his hip bones, his tongue teasing the fine strip of hair below his bellybutton, his lips sliding down the length of Seokmin’s erection. “You’re so beautiful, and so sexy....” Joshua murmured against the skin of Seokmin’s thigh, sucking at the skin, before biting down lightly making the younger moan loudly. “Ah... oh God... Joshua...” Seokmin cried out as he rocked his body down on Joshua’s fingers. “I-I’m ready hyung... please...” his gasps were desperate and Joshua couldn’t wait any longer. He was so hard, a damp spot formed on the comforter where his own erection had leaked, his knees raw from kneeling beside the bed. He crawled up from the floor and on top of the other boy and kissed him. It was slow and deep, his whole body tingling with arousal, delighting in the warm sensuality of his whole body naked and heavy on top of Seokmin.

 

 

Seokmin was beyond embarrassment or nerves. He was spread wide and willing, ready for this, ready to give every part of himself to Joshua. He stretched his legs wide as Joshua settled between them. His lips accepted the deep searching kiss Joshua blessed his mouth with. And when he felt the head of Joshua’s cock, hot and damp, pressing against his hole he accepted that too. “Baby, this is going to hurt at first, but you have to trust me..” Joshua whispered against the shell of his ear making goosebumps spring up all over his body. “I trust you,” he replied and he meant it. He would take all the pain in the world if it was enough to make Joshua his. Even if it was just for tonight. 

 

The hot pressure turned into a sharp searing sting quickly swallowed up by Joshua’s kiss. “Relax,” he breathed against Seokmin’s lips and the younger tried. He closed his eyes and let his breath slow as Joshua kissed him from behind his ear down the side of his neck. Joshua had done his job well and the sting faded quickly as Seokmin clawed at the smooth skin of the older boy’s back. “Move... please hyung... I’m okay..” Seokmin pleaded and Joshua was only too happy to comply. 

 

He slid his hands under Seokmin’s shoulder blades and pulled him as close as he could. Heat and sweat built between them as Joshua slid his body against Seokmin’s, every slide and thrust languid and sensual, every snap of his hips deliberate and stimulating. He hoped Seokmin was as close as he was or he was going to have a hard time holding himself back. The tight heat of Seokmin’s body around his cock, knowing this was all for him and no one else, it was overwhelming and arousing like Joshua had never experienced before.

 

He thrust slowly as he chewed a spot on the side of Seokmin’s neck and felt a thrilling rush when the younger moaned loudly. “Ah, Joshua, I think I’m going to-“ His words were cut off by a choked sob as his body arched again. The damp slide of Seokmin’s erection trapped between their stomachs was hot and hard and his cries of ecstasy rang like heaven in Joshua’s ears. The hot spurt of cum between their bodies was a welcome relief as Joshua let himself go. He buried his face in Seokmin’s neck, lost in the desperate sounds of his need for oxygen, inhaled the scent of his sweat soaked skin. “I want to cum inside you Seokmin. Please, baby, can I?” He managed to choke the words out and when Seokmin nodded it was the end of him. The clench of Seokmin’s overstimulation sent him over the edge, his body so sweet and warm, and Joshua’s head clouded with pleasure and emotion as he came hard inside him.

 

Sweat dripped from his forehead, it coated both their bodies in a sticky sheen, but Joshua had never felt so wonderful in his life. As his short sharp breaths began to slow down his body couldn’t hold on. “Was it okay?” He asked as his cock slipped out of Seokmin’s ass and his body sank down to rest on top of the other boy. “It was everything I wanted. Thank you,” Seokmin’s words were muffled as Joshua nuzzled into his neck and chest. Seokmin’s arms were wrapped tightly around him, almost as if he was afraid to let him go, and Joshua clung on just as tight. “Want to shower?” Joshua asked and they got up from the bed and made their way into the bathroom, neither of them noticing the clock had ticked over, midnight passing them by while they were distracted.

 

Time was up. The Deal was over.

 


	20. Chapter 20

 

 

Pain.

 

In his head, in his body, everywhere. Seokmin regretted the shots he so gleefully ingested the night before as his stomach churned and his head pounded. For a minute he wondered where he was, the room dim and cool, the bed huge and soft with the nicest bedding he’d ever slept in. Then he _remembered_.

 

 

His face flushed and he hid it in the pillow as he felt the memories rush back. He’d been so desperate, so needy, his body opening up willingly and taking everything Joshua had to give him. How he’d begged Joshua to take his virginity and moaned the whole time like he never imagined he could. How when he thought Joshua couldn’t be any more perfect he had been so gentle and careful with him and shown him what pleasure really felt like.

 

Joshua had pleasured him and drawn sensual sounds from his mouth, kissed his lips and told him he was beautiful, made him feel hot and sexy and wanted. And afterwards he’d cuddled him, kissed him again, showered with him and held him all night. It was perfect.

 

 

But the bed next to him was empty and cold. Joshua must have been just as embarrassed as he was and obviously didn’t want Seokmin to wake up next to him. He sat up and his head spun. Then his nose twitched as he inhaled the delicious salty scent wafting in through the half open door. The unmistakable smell of bacon.

He didn’t know what to do. His clothes were piled on the floor and when he picked them up they reeked of alcohol and smoke and other people’s sweat. He didn’t really have much choice though, seeing as he hadn’t brought his backpack, the impromptu sleepover leaving him without anything clean to wear. There was a robe strewn across the end of the bed, a stunning dark blue colour, the fabric a delicate cool cotton so luxurious and expensive it felt like silk. He ran the fabric through his fingers before quickly putting it down. He’d already asked so much of Joshua. He really didn’t want to take any more liberties and wearing his stuff without asking seemed to make things too real and too casual. Like he was taking their arrangement for granted.

Instead he squeezed into his tight skinny jeans and groaned at the feeling. So uncomfortable. He pulled the shirt around his shoulders but left it unbuttoned as he dragged his sore body and hungover brain out into the living area in search of the source of the delicious smell.

“Oh,” Joshua seemed surprised to see him. He was dressed in a beautiful robe matching the one left on the bed but this one was a soft peach colour and it made him look ethereal. His skin was glowing and his hair was shining and he looked bright as a button. He’d obviously drank far less than Seokmin the night before. “I, um..” Joshua seemed nervous as he looked Seokmin up and down. “I left a robe out for you in case you wanted it…” disappointment flickered briefly through his eyes and Seokmin felt stupid. Joshua’s kindness could never be doubted and he should have realised the intent but he’d already taken so much. “Sorry,” he said as he sat at the table and put his aching head in his hands. “I didn’t realise it was for me.”

Joshua moved silently around the kitchen finishing off his cooking. He placed two pills in front of Seokmin along with a glass of water. “Take these and drink the water before you eat,” he said and Seokmin accepted them gratefully. He drank down the glass of water and smiled gratefully when Joshua took the empty glass and replaced it with a mug of strong coffee. “Thanks hyung,” he said as he sipped at the coffee and felt its slowly invigorating caffeine move through his veins.

Joshua began to pile dishes onto the table. Bacon and eggs, juice, pastries filled with jam and custard, croissants and bagels, toast and a big platter of fresh cut fruit. “This looks amazing hyung, how long have you been awake? And how do you expect me to eat all this?” Seokmin took the warmed plate from Joshua’s hands and began to pick at the food as Joshua sat across from him. “It wasn’t that much trouble really, and anyway, I figured you might have an appetite. You know, after….” His voice trailed off and Seokmin blushed again. He knew they had to talk about it.

“Let me go first hyung,” Seokmin scrambled to finish his mouthful of pineapple. “I really want to thank you. Through this last three months, you’ve been so good to me. You’ve spoilt me and taken care of me, taught me so much, and I’m so grateful. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.” He stared down at the food on the table and wondered what he’d done to deserve this. Tears filled his eyes and he quickly blinked them away.

 

His voice wavered as he continued.

 

“I feel so lucky. But time is up hyung. And, you know, I don’t really want to be any more of a burden to you than I already have been. So I’ll tell them. You know, that we broke up, I’ll tell Seungkwan and Hansol, Soonyoung. I’ll tell them all it was my fault.” They really hadn’t thought this part through.

 

“Is that what you want? You don’t want more time?” Joshua already knew the answer. He heard Seokmin’s phone buzzing over on the coffee table where he’d left it the night before. He knew Soonyoung wanted to hang out with him again today. Some excuse about vocal coaching and meeting some of the other people working on the musical but Joshua knew. He knew Seokmin was slipping slowly from his grasp and last night was a huge mistake. Trying to hold on to something that wasnt his to hold. Trying to be satisfied with just a taste which would never be enough.

 

He sipped his coffee nervously as he silently cursed himself. This was exactly what drove him and his ex apart. Joshua’s clinginess, his irrepressible love for romanticism and the cliched, his need to show off his relationship. He had been unsure about the matching necklaces but they seemed to make Seokmin happy and he wore his everywhere. But the matching robes? Did he really think Seokmin would be into lazing around on a Saturday morning, eating breakfast and drinking coffee, snuggling on the couch in matching fucking dressing gowns? 

 

He was so stupid.

 

“Ah....” he could see Seokmin thinking. About what, Joshua had no idea, he was probably wondering how to let Joshua down gently. Joshua watched him chew on a huge chunk of cream cheese covered bagel to avoid speaking. “Look,” he said as Seokmin avoided his eyes. “I’m sorry, okay? I know I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you last night but I was wasted and I made a bad judgement call.” He stopped speaking in horror as Seokmin began to choke on the bagel, his eyes wide, sesame seeds flying as he coughed. “Are you okay?” Joshua passed him some juice which he gratefully accepted. 

 

“You didn’t take advantage of me hyung, I wanted it,” Seokmin said when he recovered from his coughing fit. “I thought maybe you regretted it. You know, seeing I had to talk you into it and all...” his face dropped into pure dejection. “And then you weren’t there when I woke up...” “I didn’t - don’t regret it Seokmin. Not at all.” An uncomfortable silence descended on the room plunging them headfirst into contemplation. Joshua finished his coffee and Seokmin finished his bagel and neither of them knew what to say.

 

Until Seokmin finally broke the ice. “Unless, I guess I haven’t been holding up my end of the deal right? I haven’t been going to the coffee shop with you very much. Do you want to extend it? The Deal?” Joshua’s heart fluttered in his chest at what he heard. He was getting more time to prove himself and win him over. “Yeah,” he said slowly as he tried not to sound overly excited. “I guess more time would be good. For both of us really. We did say at the start that three months might not be long enough...”

 

 

Seokmin showered while Joshua cleaned up the breakfast mess and when he walked out of the bathroom Joshua’s heart swelled. He looked fresh and bright, like sunshine radiated from within, his beauty only enhanced by the bashful smile on his face and the deep blue of the fabric he was swathed in. “The robe is really nice hyung,” he said as he fidgeted shyly with the sash. “Thank you.”

 

Joshua carried two freshly made coffees over to the couch and Seokmin joined him. He picked up his phone and began to tap at the screen before swallowing a big gulp of his coffee. “What time are you meeting Soonyoung?” Joshua asked carefully and Seokmin laughed nervously as he tossed his phone back down. “I’m not. I mean, something came up and he’s busy now, so yeah. I’m free all day.”

 

Joshua reached out and threw an arm around the boy’s shoulder and finally began to breathe again. Seokmin leaned into his shoulder and Joshua grabbed for the remote and turned the tv on. “Do you want to go to the coffee shop later?” Seokmin asked as he snuggled into Joshua’s side and the older shook his head. “Not today,” he turned and buried his smile into Seokmin’s freshly washed hair. “I’m not in the mood to go anywhere.”

 


	21. Chapter 21

 

 

Joshua pushed open the door and listened to the tingle of the little bell. Seokmin was rehearsing with Soonyoung again and this left Joshua, alone and bored, trying to fill time to keep his mind off if. He had his laptop under his arm and a craving for coffee which could only be satiated at his favorite coffee house.

 

“Good morning sunshine,” Jeonghan brightened when he saw him. “Good morning,” Joshua said. He ordered a double shot caramel latte and ignored Jeonghan’s raised eyebrows at the rich sugary treats he pointed out inside the glass cabinet. “Take a seat,” Jeonghan said. “I’ll bring it out. I’m actually going on break soon so if you like I’ll join you.” 

 

Joshua wasn’t really in the mood to study but he opened his laptop anyway and began working on a theory essay. He tapped away until Jeonghan slid into the seat across from him with a tray of coffees and cakes and sandwiches. “You look like you need to let off some steam,” Jeonghan said with a flirtatious lilt to his voice. “Unfortunately we don’t serve alcohol here but I can blow you in the storeroom if you want.” His eyes sparkled and when Joshua met them with his he immediately downcast them to his shaking hands. “Hey,” Jeonghan said sharply, immediately moving to the seat next to him, putting an arm around his shoulder. “I was just kidding. Are you okay?” Joshua shook his head.

 

He was wracked with guilt. He couldn’t stop thinking about the way Seokmin felt under him, how hot it was inside him, how every move Joshua had made drew soft shy little sounds from his lips. But even more than that, besides the craving for his skin Joshua was suffering with, he was just so taken with the boy’s beautiful spirit. His shining personality, his gentle heart, his fun and caring nature. The way he went from zero to a hundred when something ignited his sparkling sense of humour. Most of all, the raw emotion of his voice when he was singing on stage, all self consciousness swallowed up by immense talent and his perfectly pure heart. And he’d ruined him. Touched him, put his mouth and hands on his body, and enjoyed it. He’d laid him down in a bed of lies and took what his selfish body wanted. Now he was stuck with a constant craving for Seokmin’s skin, to taste his tongue and run fingers through his soft dark hair, to feel him spread open with Joshua’s weight on top of him.

 

“Please don’t flirt with me any more,” he said to Jeonghan as he began to stuff his mouth with a chocolate tart. “I have a boyfriend.” “Okay,” Jeonghan said as he picked at a spinach and feta roll. “But you’ve always had a boyfriend and it never mattered to you before.” “Well things change,” Joshua snapped as party crumbs sprayed out onto the keyboard of his computer. “Sorry,” he immediately felt bad for snapping and grabbed a napkin to wipe up his mess. “I, ah...” Joshua really needed someone to talk to and he didn’t have anyone else. He rubbed his eyes and when he looked over at Jeonghan he saw that the flirtatious leer had been replaced with sweet concern. “I know I seem like a shallow jerk but I’m actually a really good listener,” Jeonghan said as he reached over and rubbed the back of Joshua’s hand. 

 

He took a deep breath and blinked back tears. “I think I’m in love with him. I thought I was in love once before, back home, but now I know I was just a stupid kid. My ex was such a jerk. I let him use me because I was so needy, so needy and stupid, and he couldn’t give me what I wanted and it really messed me up. Now I have Seokmin and he’s perfect. Literally perfect. He’s the most wonderfully flawless human being I’ve ever met and I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with him and I feel like I’m fucking it all up again.”

 

He heard Jeonghan sigh deeply from across the table. “Okay, we have heaps of food so just start at the beginning and tell me everything. I’m sure you’re not fucking it up.” Jeonghan shoved the rest of the spinach roll in his mouth and grinned as he chewed. “It’s a shame really. I showed Seungcheol a photo of you and he told me to ask you if you’d consider a threesome,” when he looked up the flirtatious glint in Jeonghan’s eye was back but Joshua just threw the balled up napkin at him and laughed.

 

 

He spilled it all. His past with Jeffrey, his baggage carried into his new life on the other side of the world, his transformation into the person he always wanted to be. He told Jeonghan about his deal with Seokmin, how as soon as he realised what he really wanted it was slipping though his fingers, the torture of knowing Seokmin was off somewhere with Soonyoung having an amazing time. He told him about the night he took Seokmin’s virginity and how he couldn’t stop thinking about anything else besides getting the boy back in his bed. Finally he heaved a huge sigh and leaned back in the chair. “I feel better now thanks Jeonghan. I guess I just had to get it all off my chest. I don’t have any friends here besides Seokmin and his friends and they hate me. They think I’m cheating on him, sneaking around with you behind his back, and I don’t know how to make any of this right.” Jeonghan smiled sympathetically at him as he looked at his watch. “It’s a real mess Joshua,” he said gently. “You know, you could make all this right very easily, just tell him the truth.” “No way,” Joshua shook his head. “I’ll lose him for sure. I’m not blowing my chance this time.” Jeonghan stood up and Joshua did too. Jeonghan held his arms out and Joshua fell into them as the other man stroked his hair comfortingly. “Just be honest with him Joshua,” he said into the man’s fluffy mop of brown hair, “if you can’t tell him how you feel make sure you show him.” “Okay,” Joshua said as he snuggled his face into Jeonghan’s shoulder. It felt wonderful to have someone he could really talk to. Joshua needed a friend.

 

 

 

 

“I’m impressed,” Seungkwan professed loudly as they walked across the grassed area near the dance studios. Seungkwan was rarely impressed so Seokmin beamed with pride. “I told you. Soonyoung might have the attention span of a puppy but he’s an amazing dance teacher.” Soonyoung and Seokmin had spent the best part of the morning learning how to boogie, bunny hop and jitterbug. They both knew that if they got parts in the musical they’d have to be able to do those and more and there was nothing wrong with being prepared. 

 

“Where’s Joshua hyung?” Hansol asked as they walked towards the cafe. “I think he’s studying. I haven’t seen him today.” Seokmin bit his bottom lip as his feet kicked at the damp grass. He hadn’t seen Joshua since the weekend - since they’d lazed around and recovered from their hangovers. He had an awful feeling Joshua was avoiding him.

 

Seokmin’s frown faded when he saw Seungkwan studying him as they walked. “He’s just busy. He has a lot of theory work for his music classes this semester.” The lie was empty and Seokmin knew it was unsatisfying when he caught Seungkwan and Hansol making eyes at each other. He knew he shouldn’t have talked Joshua into extending the deal. He’d taken up enough of his time as it was.

 

“Coffee?” Hansol asked and Seokmin wasn’t listening. “I asked if you want coffee?” Hansol pointed to the cafe ahead and Seokmin nodded. They walked on in silence until the reached the big glass windows and Hansol reached out for the door and dropped his hand suddenly. “What?” Seungkwan asked when he saw the look on his face and Hansol just pointed. Seokmin and Seungkwan looked around him into the cafe and Seungkwan gasped. Seokmin’s heart dropped in his chest when he saw Joshua hugging Jeonghan in the middle of the cafe.

 

“No,” Seokmin grabbed hold of Hansol’s arm when he saw the look on his face. Hansol frowned and tried to pull it away but Seokmin clung tightly to him stopping him from opening the door. “Seokmin hyung, you better give me one good reason to not go in there and punch him,” he said and Seokmin knew it was over. He had to come clean to them. His face, usually so bright and sunny, twisted into forlorn sadness as Seokmin looked from Hansol to Seungkwan and took a deep breath.

 

“Joshua hyung isn’t really my boyfriend. We were just pretending,” he said quietly as he stared at the ground. He’d been lying to his two best friends, lying to Joshua, lying to himself. It was time to stop lying.

 

“We made a deal to pretend to be in a relationship so I could look cool in front of Soonyoung and he could make Jeonghan jealous. But...” tears filled his eyes as he looked into their concerned faces and he decided to just let it out. “But I think I’ve actually fallen for him and now I don’t know what to do...”

 

Hansol and Seungkwan just stared at him in silence.


	22. Chapter 22

 

 

“Tell us everything,” Suengkwan said as they dragged Seokmin away from the cafe. “Well, you know, after I confessed to Soonyoung and he rejected me, I was just so defeated.” Seokmin rubbed at his forehead as they walked across the grass to find a spot to sit. “I mean, who would want me right? Dorky, loud, annoying....” Seokmin plonked heavily onto the grass and his friends sat either side.

 

“Okay so I slept at Joshua’s apartment that night and the next morning was just so nice, we have so much in common, and we were just hanging out and stuff. And he had the idea to pretend to be a couple. He could make Jeonghan jealous and I could show everyone that I could get a boyfriend. That I wasn’t just some loser who was going to be single forever.”

 

Hansol sighed and Seungkwan threw an arm around Seokmin’s shoulder as they made sad eyes at each other behind his back. “You aren’t some loser going to be single forever..” Hansol said and Seokmin interrupted him. “Fuck off Hansol. That’s exactly who i am. Or who I was before I met Joshua hyung anyway.” He leaned into Seungkwans hug and sniffed back a tear threatening to escape out of his nose.

 

“Now, I feel like I can be somebody, someone important. Like I can be interesting and brave and strong. And it’s all because of him. And...” Seokmin trailed off while he thought about what to say but he decided to just come out with it. “And we kissed. And I fell in love with him. And then we had sex and decided to extend the deal and I want it to be real and he just wants Jeonghan.”

 

“You had sex?” Seungkwan shrieked loudly and a few people turned to look at them. “First of all shush. Second of all yes. We did. And I know I shouldn’t have but I wanted him to be my first.” Seokmin ran hands through his hair and Seungkwan scowled at him. “How stupid can you be? Seokmin, you need to end this, you’re going to get hurt.” Seokmin shook his head. “No I won’t. I’m just going to have to stay realistic. I know it’s not me in his heart.” He lay back on the grass and stared at the blue sky. A few clouds were rolling lazily across the azure barely marring its sunlit perfection and he blinked at the brightness. “Who knows? Maybe Jeonghan will break his heart and I can be there for him, you know, catch him when he falls.” Hansol snorted. “Well knowing Jeonghan that’s fully fucking likely. He’s as shallow and fickle as they come.”

 

“You’re just going to get hurt,” Seungkwan grumbled as he lay down beside the other two. “You know what?” Seokmin said as he sat up so he could look down on the other two. “Maybe it will be worth it. Maybe another three months with him will be worth the heartbreak.”

 

He heard a voice call out to him and he turned at the familiar sound. “Hey!” He waved when he saw Joshua walking across the grass and jumped up to his feet. Joshua sped up into a light jog when he saw the boy smiling at him and when he reached him he wrapped him in a huge hug. “I thought you were avoiding me,” Seokmin whispered into the skin of Joshua’s neck making the man squeeze him tighter. “Never,” he said as his fingers scrambled to find any little thread or strand of Seokmin’s hair. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind.” Seokmin nodded his agreement. He’d had a lot on his mind too.

 

Seungkwan rolled his eyes as he watched them. He loved Seokmin like a brother and he was already bitterly disappointed about having to pick up his pieces when this all fell apart. He watched them snuggle close and whisper to each other like a pair of lovesick teenagers. Which, technically Seokmin was since he was only nineteen, but it didn’t make it any less gross. Seungkwan watched Seokmin’s hands wandering up Joshua’s back, Joshua’s fingers gently pulling at the maroon strands of hair loose on Seokmin’s nape, then averted his eyes when their lips locked in a slow and hungry kiss. Seemingly unbothered by anyone watching, the two clung to each other and kissed until they were breathless, finally pulling apart with stars in their eyes and smiles on their lips.

 

And while Seungkwan averted his gaze Hansol stared with fascination. He’d never seen two people so smitten with each other and he watched them hold on tight even after their kiss had broken apart. It was like they were both afraid to let go of the other. It seemed to real to be fake to him. He’d never seen two people look so in love.

 

“I hope you guys don’t mind but I’m stealing him away,” Joshua said brightly to Seungkwan and Hansol and Seokmin giggled as Joshua’s arms began to steer him away and towards his apartment. “What time is your audition?” He asked as he linked their hands together. “4:30pm,” Seokmin replied. “I’m coming to watch so let’s go hang out and then I’ll walk you,” Joshua said and they made their way across the grass in a relaxed silence.

 

Seokmin had been so worried Joshua had been avoiding him and decided he would prod him a little more later about what had had him in such a funk. Later though. Right now he was content to back in Joshua’s warm affection as they quickly made their way to the older’s apartment building. 

 

Seokmin settled himself on the couch and started up Netflix while Joshua made coffee. The smell immediately made Seokmin smile as he snuggled down on the plush couch. This was as good as heaven to him and only got better when Joshua joined him and put two steaming mugs down on the coffee table. “I know I should have got you some herbal tea or something...” Joshua said but Seokmin shrugged it off. “How did it go today with Jeonghan?” Joshua shrugged noncommittally. He had no idea Seokmin had seen them hugging so the younger  guessed he was just keeping it to himself. “How is Soonyoung today?” Joshua countered as Seokmin leaned over and grabbed his coffee. “I think we’re better as friends hyung,” Seokmin said and Joshua choked on his coffee a little. “You don’t like him anymore?” “Nope,” Seokmin was a little sheepish. “I guess I just had a crush on the idea of him. Now I know him I’ve realised we’re a match made in heaven as friends but would be a nightmare as a couple.”

 

Joshua tried to hide his joy. Seokmin losing interest in Soonyoung was the best thing that he’d heard since they started up this deal. He sighed softly with relief and tossed an arm across the back of the couch before inching it closer to Seokmin’s shoulder. “Do you want to stay over? I thought after your audition we could walk back here and I’ll make you a celebratory dinner and then it’ll be too late to walk home...” Joshua knew he was pushing his luck but to his delight Seokmin turned to him with a bright smile.

 

“I’d love that,” he said eagerly before frowning. “Oh, but my stuff...” “We can go back to your dorm and get some stuff.” Joshua was quick to find the solution and his hand moved to Seokmin’s shoulder and pulled him close.

 

It was time to start really playing to win. It was time to make Seokmin his.

 


	23. Chapter 23

 

 

 

The lights dimmed and the audience, bare and scattered, hushed. Everyone was waiting, now with anticipation, since word of the man’s talent had spread through the arts crowd on campus. He’d been somewhat unknown before his first audition, his invitation a surprise, and his talent had blown everyone away. He’d been hiding in plain sight, his humble nature and honest unaffected shyness keeping his talent a secret, but his secret was blown wide open now. Seokmin was a force to be reckoned with and people couldn’t wait to hear him sing again.

He’d prepared a song from the movie and a dance with Soonyoung’s help. And as Joshua held his breath in the audience waiting to watch Soonyoung slipped into the seat beside him. “He’s amazing,” Soonyoung said softly to the man waiting patiently. “I really had no idea. Probably shouldn’t have knocked him back that night at the party, but hey!” he elbowed Joshua in the side and laughed too loudly for a silent audience. “You snooze you lose right? You’re a lucky man Joshua.”

Joshua nodded. He knew.

Seokmin appeared on stage, hair slicked up and borrowed leather jacket on, moving to the sounds of Greased Lightning. His jeans were tight and his moves were slick, suggestive even, and Joshua wondered who taught his sweet boyfriend how to move like that. Then he realised he was sitting right next to him and he suddenly didn’t like the idea of Soonyoung teaching Seokmin anything anymore. “Look how hot he looks,” Soonyoung whispered loudly and Joshua nodded. He didn’t appreciate the man’s aggressive complimenting of his boyfriend. He didn’t like it at all.

====== 1 year ago ======

 

The lights dimmed and a lone spotlight came on. Joshua blinked in it, momentarily stunned, but quickly recovered. He looked around but in the dark audience he couldn’t see him. He wished he was there, he wished so much that Jeffrey turned up to see him sing, he’d worked so hard on this cover with his love in mind. But he couldn’t tell.

He sang his heart out as if he was there. He imagined his tall broad boyfriend, muscled and athletic, handsome and charismatic, smiling in the audience as he enjoyed the song. He strummed his guitar and sang his heart out and with the promise of the soon to be signed contract in his head he really thought everything was perfect.

 

 

 

_To be young and in love in New York City_

_To not know who I am but still know that I'm good long as you're here with me_

_To be drunk and in love in New York City_

_Midnight into morning coffee_

_Burning through the hours talking_

_Damn, I like me better when I'm with you_

_I like me better when I'm with you_

_I knew from the first time, I'd stay for a long time 'cause_

_I like me better when_

_I like me better when I'm with you_

 

 

He sang a three-song set before leaving the stage. His constant companion, his guitar, slung over his back as he headed into the audience to watch the other performers. Now his eyes had adjusted from the glare of the spotlight he was able to see that Jeffrey wasn’t there. He had known all along it was a long shot but had still allowed hope to seed in his heart where it had bloomed against the odds. The hope withered and died quicker than a blooming hibiscus when he realised he’d been stood up. Again.

He pulled the phone out of his backpack and the message was as expected.

**_“Sorry, something came up, let me know when you get home though..”_ **

Being seen in public wasn’t Jeffrey’s thing. Someone from his school might see him, or someone from Joshua’s college, or even worse. Someone who knew his parents. Jeffrey would still come to Joshua’s house though, where he would spend the rest of the evening playing his PlayStation and watching his Netflix, eating his snacks and climbing on top of him when he got bored with the other stuff. 

Joshua didn’t mind.

 

He opened the door to his converted basement and jogged down the steps. He sent Jeffrey the text and quickly got into the shower and when he stepped out there was a knock at his door. “Hey,” Jeffrey said as he walked in and tossed his backpack down. He picked up the PlayStation controller and switched the console on before patting the bed next to him and smiling at Joshua. “Come here,” he said as he rolled onto his side and Joshua blushed shyly.

 

Looked like they were skipping the snacks tonight.

 

“You didn’t come,” Joshua said softly as Jeffrey ran a hand up his tshirt and stroked the skin underneath. “Babe, we talked about this, what if someone saw me?” “We could just say we’re friends...” 

 

Joshua found himself on his back with his tshirt hiked up around his neck. “But we aren’t just friends, are we?” Joshua could hear the smirk in Jeffrey’s voice as the younger boy began to trail his tongue across his stomach. “Wait, slow down, I wanted to talk tonight...” Joshua closed his eyes and squirmed away a little as he thought about the necklace. He’d purchased matching necklaces for them and was hoping to ask Jeffrey to wear it, to be a real couple, not some dirty little secret hidden away in dark basements undercover of night.

 

“Talk?” Jeffrey’s hot breath washed over his skin as he felt the boy begin to unzip his jeans. “We don’t need to talk,” his words were as hot as they were hurtful as Joshua clenched his eyes shut and let him pull his jeans off. He lost himself in the heavy weight of Jeffrey on top of him, inside him, his movements hard and selfish. He’d talk to him once they’d finished. Jeffrey had a one track mind when it came to getting what he wanted.

 

Joshua was glad it was dark in the room as he lay pliant and let Jeffrey have his way. It would be over soon and then they could talk. And he was right, Jeffrey thrust hard into his body and finished quickly and rolled off him and onto the bed with a groan. Joshua didn’t cum but his boyfriend didn’t seem to notice. Or care.

 

And Joshua wondered why he’d chosen that song in particular to sing for Jeffrey. He didn’t like himself better at all when he was with him. He hated who he’d become.

 

 

“Do you want to shower?” Joshua asked carefully and Jeffrey shook his head. “No thanks,” he said as he grabbed one of Joshua shirts from the floor and used it to wipe himself off. “I can’t stay long anyway.” Joshua swallows nervously and got the little black velvet box out of his backpack and cleared his throat. “I got you something,” he said so softly, nerves making his voice waver, as Jeffrey turned to him with curiosity. “I, ah, hoped you would wear this and we could make it official...” Joshua opened the box and the dim light of the tv glinted off the white gold and amethyst necklace nestled inside.

 

“Shit,” Jeffrey muttered under his breath as he looked around nervously. “Josh, you know I can’t take this, what if my parents see it?” While Joshua was born and raised in the US Jeffrey’s family had moved over just a few years ago. Joshua knew they were strict but he still allowed that same stupid seed of hope to blossom in his heart. The hope that his boyfriend would wear his necklace and hold his hand in public and consider a future that was for both of them together.

 

“W-wear it in secret...” he stuttered out and hated himself for how fucking pathetic he sounded. “I can’t, shit, what if the boys saw this....” Joshua knew Jeffrey was talking about his basketball team buddies, his bros, the ones he was really hiding from. Jeffrey tossed the box down on the rumbled sheets and smiled at Joshua. “Don’t be like this Joshua. You know how it is, with my parents and my friends, we just can’t be together like that.” Joshua thought he was going to kiss him but instead Jeffrey turned around and picked up his backpack. “I gotta go,” he said as he slid his feet into his shoes, “message me tomorrow night. Okay?” Joshua nodded his okay.

 

 

======= • ======

 

 

 

While they waited Joshua began to hum softly to himself. He hadn’t listened to it in ages and definitely hadn’t sung it since that night. But for some reason the words hung heavy in his mind tonight as he sat halfway to the back of the University theatre waiting for the rest of the auditions to finish.

 

 

_I don't know what it is but I got that feeling_

_Waking up in this bed next to you swear the room, yeah, it got no ceiling_

_If we lay, let the day just pass us by_

_I might get to too much talking_

_I might have to tell you something_

_Damn, I like me better when I'm with you_

 

 

 

When Soonyoung took the stage as the last one called Joshua got restless. He slipped out in the darkness and quickly ran around to the stage door entrance and shifted nervously as he waited. When the doors opened and people began to stream out Joshua held his breath but his nerves were all for nothing. Seokmin and Soonyoung were walking out together, heads close as they whispered their bitchy comments on the other auditions, but at the sight of Joshua Seokmin broke free.

 

“Did you see me?” He yelled as he ran towards Joshua and the older swept him up in his arms. “You were amazing,” Joshua managed to stammer out before he felt lips pressed against his and he melted. He melted into the feeling of the warm and loving boy in his arms, into the purity of his emotions, into the comfort of knowing Seokmin would never hide what they had. No matter how false it was.

 

But it didn’t feel false or fake. Nothing had ever felt more real as Joshua clutched him tighter and kissed him harder and deeper and Seokmin threaded his fingers into Joshua’s brown wavy hair. “I’m so proud of you,” Joshua mumbled into Seokmin’s neck as they broke apart and he inhaled the scent of musk and sunshine Seokmin always seemed to carry with him.

 

“Let’s go and celebrate,” Joshua said as Seokmin clutched at his hand. “Bye Soonyoung!” he called out as he waved goodbye to his friend and followed his boyfriend across the grass and through the dying sunlight of the University gardens.

 

Joshua couldn’t help but notice the hibiscus seemed to bloom brighter here in Korea as the sunset threw gold and pink across the sky. And he couldn’t help but notice the way the last drop of sunlight glinted off the necklace Seokmin wore proudly around his neck. 

 

The sparkle was only second to the glitter of his eyes that seemed to hold the whole universe in them on this warm spring evening.

 


	24. Chapter 24

 

 

 

Joshua swung the door open and they walked into the apartment. All too familiar to Seokmin now, he was starting to want to go home less and less, and he kicked off his shoes and tossed his bag down in the corner of the living room. “I thought I’d make burgers,” Joshua called out from the kitchen where he was busying himself taking meat out of the fridge and spices out of the cupboard. “Is that okay?” he yelled and jumped in shock when he turned around and met Seokmin face to face. “Sounds good to me hyung,” the younger smiled brightly, “can I do anything to help?” Joshua shook his head and got two beers out of the fridge. “Go relax,” he said as he pushed him out of the kitchen. “You deserve it. I just know you’re going to get a part.”

Seokmin gave in and settled on the couch. It seemed so second nature now, to just make himself at home, to switch on the TV and relax with his beer. He found a coaster and put it under the bottle before scrolling through the Netflix menu to find something they could both enjoy. “Want to watch a movie?” he called out to Joshua who replied that he did. The delicious smells coming from the other room had Seokmin too intrigued and he got up from the couch to investigate. The sight of his hyung, apron on and spatula in hand, cooking away made him melt a little inside. “Cute,” he said softly and the stunning man looked up form under his floppy brown mop of hair. “What?” he said and Seokmin blushed. “Nothing, do you have any more beers?” Joshua nodded and indicated the fridge and Seokmin got two more out.

By the time the burgers were finished they were both on their third. Seokmin giggled as he carried his food over to the coffee table and Joshua laughed at the lightweight. “You shouldn’t drink any more beers,” he said when he saw the man’s flushed pink nose and cheeks. “I’m fine,” Seokmin protested but he finished his third and went and got a glass of water anyway.

The movie was kind of stupid but they enjoyed making fun of it anyway. It was almost finished and the burgers were long gone when Seokmin’s phone began buzzing on the table. “It’s probably just Soonyoung,” he shrugged as he ignored it but it rang again. “Answer it,” Joshua said and he picked it up and stared at the screen in surprise. “Jihoon hyung?” he said when he answered and Joshua frowned a little before remembering Jihoon was Seokmin’s roommate and the director of the musical. “Oh my, um, wow Jihoon I don’t know what to say….” His jaw hung open and Joshua waited with curious anticipation and finally Seokmin hung the phone up. “I’m Danny…” he said slowly before turning to Joshua with wide eyes and a huge grin. “I’m Danny! They gave me the lead!”

 

“Congratulations,” Joshua said with sincerity and pulled the boy into a hug. “I knew it, you’re just perfect...” he meant to say ‘for the part’ but somehow the end was lost as he inhaled the sweet scent of Seokmin’s skin. It was irresistible and he wondered what would happen if he let his lips lay gently against Seokmin’s neck. Joshua tested the water with a tightening of their embrace and a wash of hot exhalation and he swore he heard a sigh in response. He’d only had three beers but it was enough for Joshua to blame the alcohol for his willingness to take advantage of Seokmin again.

 

Seokmin was melting into Joshua’s embrace. He didn’t give a shit about the musical in that moment, he couldn’t care less, all he could think of was his hyung’s warm arms holding him close. He didn’t know if he was imagining it when he felt the hot wash of breath fan across the skin of his neck but a satisfied sigh left his lips anyway. God, he wanted this so bad, to just get closer and closer to Joshua any way he could. His brain began to work overtime trying to think of some excuse and in the end he decided to blame the beers. “Joshua hyung,” he whispered as he pulled back to look into the deep brown eyes of the other and he saw acceptance and anticipation and need inside them. 

 

Fuck it.

 

Seokmin pulled the older man onto his lap and pressed his face into his neck. Some instinct inside was telling him Joshua wanted this as much as he did and he believed it whole heartedly. His hyung was worldly and experienced and had needs. And Seokmin was quite happy to to be there to help him relieve them. “Joshua hyung,” he mumbled as his lips began to taste small mouthfuls of Joshua’s neck leaving goose bumps in their wake. He let them travel up and along his jaw, across his cheek, around the earlobe with two earrings pierced through the skin. 

 

Joshua moaned loudly at the sensation of Seokmin’s tongue on his sensitive skin. Seokmin was encouraged and moved them across his cheek until it was lips on lips, then tongue against tongue, searching and tasting and tickling as Joshua began to grind on his lap. Seokmin’s hands wandered in place of his mouth, squeezing Joshua’s ass before sneaking up inside his shirt to trickle down across the smooth plane of his back. 

 

Seokmin’s hands found themselves sneaking down into the waistband of Joshua’s jeans as the older continued to grind on his lap. Their kiss was broken breathlessly as Seokmin panted for air and Joshua attached his lips to Seokmin’s neck instead.

 

“Hyung,” Seokmin groaned out the words as his hips began to push up. He was overwhelmed with an urge to push and thrust, to bite and taste and feel, to claim and own and dominate. He pulled back, only a little but just enough, and stared. Joshua was flushed, his cheeks pink and his hair mussed, his eyes sparkling in the low light from the tv. “You’re so pretty....” he said as he reached up to caress Joshua’s cheek and the man on top of him blushed and squirmed a little.

 

“Joshua hyung, can I....” He was still shy, still a little reluctant, and the words wouldn’t come out of his mouth. But his body said everything his mouth couldn’t as his hips shifted and drove up in response to the pressure of Joshua’s ass on top of him. “I want- “ he breathed out long and hot and heavy and Joshua seemed to know.

 

 

And he did. Joshua knew exactly what Seokmin was craving and he wanted it too. “Come on,” he said as he got up and led Seokmin towards the bedroom by the hand. He’d just blame the alcohol, again, because the wanted this more than anything. He’d sworn he wouldn’t ever let anyone inside him again, that he was going to always be the one in control, but he never counted on meeting someone who made him feel the way Seokmin did.

 

He wanted nothing more in that moment than to open up and give Seokmin all of him. Everything the younger desired, anything he wanted to do to him, Joshua was ready for it all.

 

 

 


	25. Chapter 25

 

 

 

“Hyung,” Seokmin breathed as his body guided them subconsciously. He was backing Joshua into the bedroom, then on top of the bed, then he was nestling himself between his legs. It was like they were made for each other, the way their hips fit together, the way it made Seokmin crave the feeling of being inside him.

 

“Hyung,” he whispered again and Joshua shivered. It was so fucking hot, the way that one word made him so hard, the way it made him soft and pliant and willing to spread himself wide for this boy whispering to him in the darkness.

 

“Hyung...” Seokmin’s murmurs were getting more urgent with each passing second. His hips were thrusting instinctively, his whole body rutting against the older man, and if he wasn’t tipsy he would probably be embarrassed at how needy he was behaving. 

 

But Joshua was just as desperate, his head tossed back as the soft words turned swiftly into ticklish kisses down the length of his throat, lingering across his Adam’s apple. Wanton moans escaped his flushed lips as they hung slackened by the feeling of Seokmin’s mouth trailing hot and wet down his neck. He felt the buttons on his shirt giving way under Seokmin’s surprisingly swift fingers and soon his chest was bare and prickled with goosebumps. He opened his eyes and shivered at the sight of Seokmin hovering over him with a look of pure hunger colouring his soft gaze.

 

He swore he’d never be this man again. Submissive, willing, open and waiting to be used. But this felt different from cold nights under scratchy sheets in his old home in the US. The hands that wandered and the lips that kissed him felt like they had a driving force behind them. As he shrugged himself free of his shirt and began to wriggle his jeans down around his ankles he was hit with the realisation that Seokmin would never use him. Despite the nature of their deal this felt warm and loving and so real.

 

Joshua stared up at Seokmin, a fine dusting of pink blush across his angular features, his arms bulging with the weight of his own body. He was such a contradiction, his glowingly sunny and boyish nature in direct opposition to the strong and sexy man waiting to eat him alive. Joshua realised this was what he’d been searching for in his misguided crush on Jeonghan, his false craving for adventure, his irrational attraction to danger. Joshua wanted to be devoured. He wanted to be _wanted_.

 

“Hyung,” that word again, whispered and hoarse, heavily loaded with feelings. Joshua was so hard. His briefs were damp at the front, straining in their desperate cling to his skin, hiding nothing and revealing everything. His hips thrust up in search of something, anything, and Seokmin’s kisses began to trail urgently down the centre of his chest to linger around the elastic of his underwear. “I’ve never done this before...” Joshua heard Seokmin mumble softly, apologetically, before pulling down the elastic and taking him into his mouth immediately.

 

Joshua was generous to a fault. He’d always been the one to give without reciprocation or even gratitude necessary. “Wow...” he said out loud as his back arched and his body trembled in response to the sensations rippling through it. He’d always wondered what it felt like to have someone’s warm mouth wrapped around his cock, to feel the full force of their devoted attention, to luxuriate in the sensation of someone’s touch. Seokmin had never given a blow job before but Joshua had never received one.

 

It felt wonderful.

 

“Seokmin, that feels so so good...” he breathed out the words and felt Seokmin stop sucking to smile at the praise. “Really hyung?” His eyes sparkled in the dim light as he looked up at Joshua from between his thighs and the older almost melted. “Yes baby, really good..” he said as he stroked his hair and Seokmin’s mouth encased him in warmth again. If he was really as inexperienced as he claimed he more than made up for it with enthusiasm and soon Joshua felt himself brought to the edge.

 

“Stop...” Joshua gasped as he pulled gently at the maroon strands of Seokmin’s fading hair. “Sorry...” Seokmin moved and shifted his weight and blinked up at Joshua in the dark. “Did I do something wrong?” “No,” Joshua shook his head. “I just didn’t want to cum yet.”

 

He leaned over and grabbed the bottle and handed the lube to Seokmin still a little breathless in the middle of the bed. “Joshua hyung, are you sure?” He asked as he took the bottle and Joshua nodded. “Say it please,” Seokmin said as he got up from the bed and began slowly shedding his clothes. Joshua watched him toss his shirt to the floor revealing his broad chest and narrow waist, golden tanned and glowing, his dark nipples hard in the cool air. He watched him drop his jeans to the floor and slide his boxers down over thick muscular thighs and he was sure.

 

“I’m sure. Seokmin I want you to, you know, don’t make me say it....”

 

He wanted it so bad. He wanted to feel the heat and weight of Seokmin on top of him, feel his hungry mouth devouring him, feel the heft and stretch of his cock inside him. It was already hard and Joshua couldn’t take his eyes off of it as Seokmin moved back onto the bed and settled between his knees. But there was no way he could say it. Joshua wasn’t that confident.

 

Joshua closed his eyes as he lifted his knees and felt Seokmin carefully begin to explore. His own lack of words was more than made up for when Seokmin began to whisper huskily in the darkness. “Don’t worry hyung,” he said as he circled Joshua’s hole with a cold lubed finger. “I’ll be gentle. Just like you were with me.” When the finger stopped teasing and pressed inside him Joshua’s breath hitched in his chest. “Wow, you feel so warm, is this okay?” Seokmin’s long finger probed gently inside Joshua’s body and he found himself relaxing into the sensation. He nodded as he chewed his bottom lip in anticipation and gasped audibly when Seokmin inserted a second finger beside the first.

 

The stretch wasn’t painful, just a bit of a shock, it had been a while for Joshua. He’d always hated this part but he was determined to hide that from Seokmin. He didn’t want to shake the boy’s confidence. He clenched his eyes shut and waited for the pain, the awkward discomfort, but it never came. “Hyung, you look so pretty...” he heard Seokmin whisper and opened his eyes to be treated with the younger’s rapturous gaze. Seokmin’s fingers probed him gently, rubbing and twisting, finally curling and hooking towards the front of his body. “Oh God...” Joshua called out when he felt the sharp tingle of pleasure rip through his whole body. His feet planted in the bedcovers as his hips thrust up involuntarily in search of more. More of that feeling, of Seokmin inside him, of anything really. 

 

“Is this okay hyung? Does it feel good?” Seokmin’s face was a mix of concentration and desire and it just fuelled Joshua on. He’d never been touched like this, with hands both hungry and reverent, and his body was both aching and trembling at the mercy of Seokmin’s ministrations.

 

“Hyung?” Seokmin whispered. “Hyung, say something, please...” “It’s good baby,” Joshua’s found his voice again. “It’s.... ahh... really good...” and it was. He’d never felt like this before. It fanned into flame the desire inside him, to feel full and hot, to have Seokmin own every inch of him. “I’m ready. Please... Seokmin....” Joshua could only claw at the younger man’s back to try and pull him closer.

 

“Okay hyung....” Seokmin let his fingers slide free and shifted his weight. Joshua laid still as he listened to the sound of Seokmin using more lube and then the boy was on top of him again. “Okay. I’m ready. You ready?” Seokmin said softly and Joshua wondered if he was talking more to himself. He felt the nudge and the push, the burn of Seokmin’s cock breaching his clenched rim, the slow slide of the weight inside his body. “Okay hyung?” Seokmin asked with uncertain eyes and Joshua nodded. “Kiss me. Please...” he pleaded almost silently and soon the slide of Seokmin’s cock was matched by the soft slide of his tongue inside Joshua’s mouth.

 

Seokmin’s cock was so heavy, it was hot and thick, it was rubbing every inch of Joshua’s insides. Nothing has _ever_ felt so good. The burn of the stretch was soon overtaken by the tingling pleasure of every thrust against his prostate and the heated friction of his own cock trapped between their sweaty stomachs. Every moan that threatened to escape was swallowed down by Seokmin’s languid kisses and Joshua clawed wildly at his back as he arched underneath him.

 

The push and pull, the game of dominance and compliance, Joshua realised it was all in his head. He loved the feeling of being topped by Seokmin, of sinking slowly into a world where nothing existed but the feeling of this man on top of him. Inside him. But more than giving himself up, losing a part of himself, this was a discovery. An awakening. A realisation that when he was with Seokmin there was a much give as take.

 

“Hyung...” Seokmin groaned loudly as his hips snapped faster and Joshua felt himself on the edge again. “I want to ride you,” he said as he pulled Seokmin close and then rolled them over in one swift movement. “Fuck,” he said as he sank down, bottoming out completely, his lips going to Seokmin’s neck as he began to roll his hips. “Wow, Joshua hyung, you feel incredible,” Seokmin said as his big hands gripped Joshua’s slowly rolling hips. “Watch me,” Joshua said as he rode him faster, his knees spread wide over Seokmin’s thick thighs, his hands on his broad smooth chest. “I want you to watch me...” Joshua didn’t know where it came from, his sudden burst of confidence, until he looked down and realised it was feeding into his soul through Seokmin’s gaze. “I can’t hold on much longer,” Seokmin said and his hand moved to grip Joshua’s leaking cock sending the older into a whole new world of pleasure.

 

Joshua rode faster, his orgasm hitting him hard and fast, the stimulation of his cock and prostate combining in a feeling unprecedented. His body clenched and trembled and his mind floated and then faltered and Seokmin’s own orgasm came just in time. The heat of his cum filling his insides, washing over his overstimulated prostate, was the last straw for Joshua. He collapsed on top of Seokmin’s broad chest, his own chest heaving for oxygen, his face falling into the younger man’s neck.

 

“Baby...” he murmured, his soft voice almost imperceptible in the cold night air, and he felt Seokmin tense up underneath him. For a brief moment he panicked, worried he’d said the wrong thing, but Seokmin only pulled him closer. “Thank you hyung,” Seokmin said, equally as soft, and pressed a gentle kiss into Joshua’s hair and Joshua snuggled as close as he could without disturbing their position.

 

It felt too great and he never wanted it to end. It felt so real, their warm embrace weighed down by an unsubstantiated emotion, their actions louder than unspoken words. Joshua knew he was going to have to tell him. He couldn’t keep doing this, pretending it was all friendly, pretending he was drunk just to get to put his hands on Seokmin’s body. It was too late to turn back. He was addicted and he knew the inevitability of honesty was staring him in the face.

 

He moved to roll off and felt Seokmin slip out from inside him. The emptiness was uncomfortable and followed by the cold drip of Seokmin’s cum leaking from him and he knew he had to move. “Don’t...” a hand shot out

when Joshua tried to get up and pulled him back onto the bed. “Don’t get up,” Seokmin murmured into Joshua’s hair as the warm safe embrace of his strong arms surrounded the older man. “Don’t leave me...” Seokmin whined and clutched him closer and Joshua closed his eyes and nuzzled into his chest. If he had his way he’d never leave him. Not even when their deal was over.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	26. Chapter 26

 

 

Joshua groaned as he rolled over and felt the warm weight next to him and reality came crashing down all around him.

What the fuck was I thinking?

“Seokmin,” he prodded gently and when the other man opened his eyes they sparkled with delight. “Good morning hyung,” he said, his skin glowing in the low light, his eyes alive instantly at the sight of the other. “do you have class this morning?” “No,” Joshua answered as he snuggled back down into the pillow. “Me either,” Seokmin said quietly.

Neither of them moved, or even spoke, as they lay in the cool dim silence.

Joshua didn’t know what to say. He just buried half his face in the pillow as he watched Seokmin with one eye open. He was a little puffy with sleep, his hair mussed and rough, the slight hint of stubble the only thing marring his perfect complexion. He didn’t look too hungover, Joshua thought, and he wondered exactly how drunk Seokmin had been. He’d only had a few beers.

He pushed the thought out of his mind as he watched the younger man get up from the bed. He was unselfconscious in his naked form, unusual for Seokmin, the boy had shyness inherently intrinsic in his nature. This morning something seemed different about him as he wandered nonchalant and bare across the room to find something to put on.

The navy robe Joshua had bought for him was wrapped around his shoulders as he turned back and smiled again. “You want coffee?” he asked and Joshua sat up. “Let’s go out for breakfast. My treat.” He watched the man move gracefully across the room and out into the living area. “Where are you going?” he asked and Seokmin stopped. “To get my clothes,” he said. “They’re in my bag.”

To Joshua’s disappointment he vanished into the lounge room and Joshua heard the sound of water running in the main bathroom. Maybe, if he was smarter, he would have already made space in his huge walk in closet for Seokmin’s things. The thought of them hanging beside his, taking up space in his life, gave him a warm feeling in his chest. If his clothes were in the bedroom it was likely Seokmin would have used Joshua’s en-suite, maybe giving him a glimpse of his rock hard body, maybe just letting Joshua enjoy the sound of water tricking down his flawless skin.

 

Maybes and What Ifs were a waste of time and Joshua didn’t have much to spare. He rolled off the bed and went into the other bathroom and prepared to face the day.

They walked across the sports oval and enjoyed the warm morning sun. “You don’t seem too hungover,” Joshua said and Seokmin laughed nervously. “Yeah, I guess I recovered well, I was pretty drunk last night…” “Me too,” Joshua quickly replied. “And, I guess, accidents happen. Right?” 

 

Seokmin nodded his agreement and Joshua’s heart clenched a little in his chest. He hated being an accident. He wanted nothing more than to know Seokmin came into his bed willingly and deliberately. But he would have to work for it; he knew that. He was determined, starting today, to win him over. He wanted nothing more. He’d never felt this strongly about anything before, his want for Seokmin only matched by his want for a record deal, and hard work was the only way to get either of them. 

They arrived at their favourite café and walked in to the sound of the tinkling bell. Jeonghan was behind the counter, with the other tall barista; Joshua could never remember his name. “Hi guys,” Jeonghan smiled widely at them, “take a seat anywhere and I’ll come out and take your order.” It was unusually enthusiastic for the casually apathetic barista but the café was also almost empty. Joshua headed straight for Seokmin’s favourite table by the window. He liked to look out onto the street and watch people walk by while he drank his coffee and Joshua almost stumbled a little in his haste to pull the chair out for the younger. “Thanks,” Seokmin said with a dreamy smile and Joshua’s heart lifted a little. Maybe it was working.

He reached out and rubbed the back of Seokmin’s hand softly and enjoyed the feel of his skin. His hands were stunningly beautiful and Joshua marvelled at them and wondered how they could be so perfect. His fingers were long and thin and the nails were sculpted and manicured to perfection. He stared and stroked and when he looked up he was met with Seokmin’s shy gaze. “Your hands are so pretty,” Joshua stammered out nervously and expected Seokmin to pull his hand back but he didn’t. He just grinned brightly and blushed sweet and pink as he watched Joshua stroke the back of his hand with his thumb. Joshua’s mind flashed back to last night when he remembered how those beautiful hands felt on his body, how far inside him Seokmin had reached with those long perfect fingers, the noises he’d made as he shamelessly threw himself at the mercy of those stunningly gorgeous hands.

“Ahem,” Jeonghan cleared his throat as he stood next to the table, “I hate to interrupt your moment.” “Its fine,” Seokmin chirped happily at the barista, “I’ll just have whatever Joshua hyung is having,” the look on his face could only be described as pure adulation and Jeonghan smirked a little as he turned to the other. “What will it be Joshua?” “Standard hangover breakfast,” he said as he closed the menu. “Two Americanos over ice, two BLT, fruit plate….” “And apple juices,” Seokmin interrupted and Jeonghan wrote it down. “Coming right up,” he said as he turned and walked back into the kitchen.

Seokmin couldn’t hide his delight at the attentiveness of his hyung over breakfast. Smiling at him, talking in that low breathy voice that told him their conversation was only for his ears, stroking his hand so softly and complimenting him so reverently. He knew it was all pretence, that Joshua was just showing off in front of Jeonghan, but he accepted it willingly anyway. One day Joshua’s sweet gestures might come from the heart but until then he would take what he could get.

He picked at his food when it arrived. He wasn’t that hungry - mainly because he wasn’t hungover. The delicious meal Joshua had served him the night before had been satisfying in so many ways and he ate just half the BLT before pushing it aside in favour of the fruit. “Still not feeling well?” Joshua asked and Seokmin shook his head. His stomach was churning but not with the after effects of alcohol. It was in turmoil over the realisation of what he’d done the night before. Taking advantage of Joshua like that, when his hyung was drunk and vulnerable, it wasn’t his proudest moment and he resolved to be more careful in the future. His phone buzzed on the table and he threw it a cursory glance before shoving it in his pocket.

“Who was that?” Joshua asked as he mulled over a piece of pineapple. “Just Soonyoung,” Seokmin said as he sipped his coffee. “He wants to catch up later and get my help on a song he’s working on for the musical…” Joshua’s face dropped a little and it wasn’t unnoticed by the younger. “I thought you didn’t like him anymore,” Joshua said as he put the fruit down. “Actually,” he said as he looked around, “I thought you said you might like someone else.” 

 

“No,” Seokmin quickly jumped in. He didn’t know what he had been thinking, almost spilling the truth to Joshua last week, almost giving himself away. “I still like him.” He looked over to the counter where Jeonghan was drying a mug and watching them intently. He sighed a little and wondered how he ever could compete with that. The barista was stunningly good looking, putting other men and women to shame with his pretty and delicate doll like features which contrasted sharply with his strong wit and savage sarcasm, and Seokmin knew he would never be on that level of confidence.

“I think we need to do a better job of trying to make Soonyoung jealous,” Seokmin said as he picked at a slice of melon. “Maybe you can come and pick me up later from the rehearsal room?” He let hope build in his heart and was rewarded when Joshua nodded his agreement.

“Jeonghan hyung,” Mingyu said as he joined the other barista at the counter, “you’ve been staring at them for ages.” “They’re cute,” Jeonghan replied as he began to wipe the counter down. “I thought they were an odd couple at first but they actually suit each other really well. It’s nice.” Jeonghan sighed. He was tired of the way things were going with his boyfriend. The rapper was still reluctant to settle down and, while it was fun at first having so much freedom, Jeonghan was increasingly jealous of the couples around him acting so cute and smitten all the time.

“Anyway, why do you look so happy today?” Jeonghan braced himself for another sappy story about Mingyu and his burgeoning love life with his new boyfriend. “Got good news today, one of my best friends has been living overseas, in America for four years, anyway he’s coming back!” Jeonghan smiled in surprise at the cute boy grinning at his phone, typing away furiously in his friends group message. “Jaehyun’s coming home to study here! I’m so excited.”


	27. Chapter 27

 

 

The weather was turning warmer and warmer every day. Joshua wondered if Seokmin ever went away for the summer holidays, to his family, to the beach, to anywhere really. He’d love to take him somewhere nice, maybe camping even, sleep in a tent by a river and walk through forests and besides waterfalls… His mind wandered as they strolled around the campus. They were headed to the library to sit side by side and do a little study. Studying at Joshua’s apartment too frequently turned into Netflix sessions these days.

“Do you have plans for the summer break?” he asked as he reached down and grabbed Seokmin’s hand. “No, why?” the boy replied as he smiled in that way that made Joshua’s heart warm. “You want to maybe go somewhere?” Joshua asked and Seokmin hummed in agreement. “Maybe, I’m kind of broke though, I’ve been thinking about getting a job. The coffee shop is hiring..” he suddenly turned to Joshua with the brightest smile the older had ever seen. “You think I could work there? I mean, I’d get heaps less tips than Jeonghan and that Mingyu guy…” “I think you’d be amazing. And I’ll give you all the tips,” Joshua quickly replied making the younger blush with embarrassment. Joshua just gripped his soft hand tighter. “Make sure you wear gloves if you have to wash dishes,” he said and chuckled at Seokmin’s confused shake of the head.

“Anyway, I’ll pay, you don’t have to worry about the money,” Joshua gripped Seokmin’s hand even tighter as they began to press into the light crowd milling around in the main courtyard of the university campus. “Let me take you away, you know, as a thank you. For helping me out with this deal,” Joshua knew he was reaching but the thought of having Seokmin to himself for a few days was too good. He’d been so busy with his vocal training and his work on the musical, and every time his phone got a notification he knew whom it would be. Ever since they started working together for the musical Soonyoung just wouldn’t leave Seokmin alone. He constantly texted him and his texts always made Seokmin smile and laugh, worst of all they made him run, as soon as the dancer wanted him for something Seokmin would drop everything.

They’d just made it inside the library when Joshua head the familiar noise of Seokmin’s phone. “No,” he whined a little and Seokmin laughed. “He’s busy today in the dance studio. He probably wants me to come and watch, Soonyoung loves an audience, but I won’t.” Seokmin dropped Joshua’s hand to manage his bag and coffee and take his phone out of his pocket. Joshua couldn’t help the ripple of jealousy he felt run through his body. He didn’t have Soonyoung’s sex appeal, his smooth dance moves or his exuberant personality; he really didn’t know how to compete. All he could do was make the most of their time together and show Seokmin what the perfect boyfriend should be and maybe it would be enough.

And then he froze.

The man walking towards him was his height, handsome and fair skinned, dimpled and gorgeous. And the last person Joshua ever expected to run into. “Hyung, are you okay?” Seokmin pulled at Joshua’s arm, concern written all over his face, as the man heading in their direction suddenly looked up from the piece of paper he was carrying and spotted them. “Hyung you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Joshua?” The handsome man called out to him and Joshua swallowed thickly. He’d travelled to the other side of the world to escape his past, the man he used to be, and yet it somehow caught up with him and was staring him down in the middle of the campus library. “Jeffrey. What are you doing here?” he stammered out and Seokmin didn’t understand a word of it. He knew it was English but he didn’t recognise the words. “My family decided to come back. Grandad’s sick, Dad has to start taking over the company, and this is the best university in Seoul.”

Seokmin stared from Joshua to the other man. He guessed him to be younger than Joshua, clearly foreign by his language and appearance, his surprise only increased when the man turned to him with a hand outstretched. “Hi,” he said brightly, “I’m Jaehyun. I’m Joshua’s ex-boyfriend.” His Korean was fluent and took Seokmin by surprise a little but he recovered quickly enough to shake his hand. “Hi, I’m Seokmin,” he said and Joshua grabbed his arm. “My boyfriend,” he said quickly and Seokmin didn’t miss the amused smirk painted across Jaehyun’s perfect features.

“Boyfriend, wow, you’ve only been here a few months Joshua. Did you forget me so quickly?” The flirtation was thick, Joshua flushed pink and moved a little closer, and something inside Seokmin felt like he needed to protect him. Some instinct awoken, some intuition telling him Joshua needed him, something inside screaming at him to do something. He couldn’t think of anything else but to wrap an arm around the older man’s shoulder and pull him possessively close. “We just really hit it off when we met,” Seokmin said as he smiled at Joshua’s pink cheeks and flustered reaction. “It was love at first sight.”

“Couple necklaces and all,” Jaehyun said as he leaned closer for a better look and Seokmin could smell his expensive cologne. He decided right then and there that he didn’t like him at all. He couldn’t imagine Joshua, his Joshua, with this massive douchebag. He was the image of a stereotypical athletic popular boy with his casual but expensive band t-shirt and his white Tommy Hilfiger backpack. “We should catch up,” he said with a slight wink that Seokmin caught and he went from dislike to hating him instantly. How was he supposed to compete with this? It was bad enough having Jeonghan around but now this ex-boyfriend, this cool and confident and good looking guy, was going to give him trouble too. He could feel it. He was self assured, flirtatious, and obviously came from money. He was everything Seokmin wasn’t.

His phone buzzed in his pocket again and Seokmin untangled himself from Joshua to check it. “I’ve got to meet Soonyoung,” he said quickly as he shoved it back in his pocket. “You two go and catch up. I’ll meet up with you later.” He could see the slight pout on Joshua’s face but he ignored it. He had to get away.

 

 

“So,” Jaehyun’s face hadn’t lost its smirk as they watched Seokmin take off out of the library, “you cut your hair and get a few piercings and suddenly start sucking some nerds dick? What are you thinking Josh?” Jaehyun began to laugh and Joshua wanted to disappear. He hated the sound of his name coming out of Jaehyun’s perfect gleaming mouth. No one here called him that and he much preferred the gentle sound of his new friends calling him ‘Shua.’ 

 

“Don’t be like that,” Joshua said weakly as he watched Seokmin’s retreating figure move quickly away from the library. He’d done it again. He’d let Soonyoung steal him away and for what? Jaehyun never cared about him, he never wanted the couple necklaces or the hand holding, he definitely never wanted to revere his body and make him feel strong and sexy and then hold him tight when it was over.

 

“Come on,” Jaehyun grabbed Joshua’s arm and began to pull him away from the library. “Let’s go to this cafe that’s close. You can meet my school friend,” Jaehyun was insistent and Joshua didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts of Seokmin watching Soonyoung dance. So he slung his bag onto his back and followed his ex boyfriend across the campus.


	28. Chapter 28

 

 

Seokmin stretched his legs out in front of him as he sat on the floor. Soonyoung was dancing like a possessed man, his body moving across the floor wildly but controlled, moving in a way Seokmin could only dream of. He was an adequate dancer but this, watching Soonyoung in his element, was magical.

He closed his eyes and tried to pretend it wasn’t worrying him. His ‘boyfriend’s’ ex, stunning and handsome and so confident, showing up from nowhere to make his life hell. Every time he thought he was getting somewhere with Joshua something set him back. He sniffled a little as he couldn’t help imagining them catching up over coffee, laughing together over shared memories, enjoying their past together that he wasn’t a part of. A whole world they shared and a side of Joshua that Seokmin had never seen. Seokmin wondered why they broke up. If it wasonly because Joshua was moving then surely there was nothing to stop them getting back together. Nothing but him actually.

Maybe it was time to call the deal off.

The selfish part of him wanted to do everything he could to hold on. The sweet and caring part wanted to let him go. To let Joshua go back to his happiness. But was it happiness? Joshua didn’t seem that happy to see him.

“What’s up with you?” Soonyoung said loudly as he kicked at one of Seokmin’s feet dragging him from his melancholy musings. “You look like your dog just died.” “Joshua hyung’s ex-boyfriend just showed up this morning. He was supposed to be in America but now he’s here and they’re catching up right now at the cafe.” Seokmin looked up to see Soonyoung mouth form a cute little ‘o’ when he realised why Seokmin was miserable.

 

“Let me guess,” he said slowly as he sank to the floor. “He’s tall and handsome and wonderful and Joshua’s probably going to go back to him now he’s here and you know you can’t compete with that.” He smirked at the other boy sitting sullen and slumping against the wall. “And so you’re just going to sulk and watch this other boy steal you man away right from under your nose.” 

 

Seokmin nodded again before his eyes widened in shock. “No! No, hyung, why would you say that?” “Well, they’re together and you’re here.” Soonyoung’s eyes sparkled with mischief and Seokmin nodded his agreement. “I-I thought they needed to catch up.” “No, you chickened out and ran away, leaving them alone.” Soonyoung leaned over and poked at one of Seokmin’s cheeks and chuckled to himself. “Seriously, don’t just sit around and let it happen, if you let him steal your man right out from under your nose you’ll regret it forever.”

Seokmin sighed. Soonyoung was kind of right. “What would you do Soonyoung hyung?” he asked and Soonyoung wiped his sweaty face on his t-shirt. “Me? I’d just find someone else, there’s always more fish in the sea, or whatever,” he winked at the other who pouted in response. “But if I was you I’d make him work for it. You really like Joshua right?” Seokmin nodded and had never felt more honest about anything in his life. He liked him so much the thought of this Jaehyun taking even one of Joshua’s smiles was killing him. “So hold on to him. Be the best boyfriend you can be. If this other guy wants to steal him make it hard, Give him a fight.” “A fight?” Seokmin’s eyes widened and Soonyoung began to laugh loudly. “Not a real fight you idiot!”

Joshua sighed as he watched Jaehyun high fiving and hugging with his friend Mingyu in the café. He thought this part of his life was done. Sitting on the outer, feeling like a stranger, feeling like he wasn’t worth being included in the conversation. He could overhear them chatting excitedly about ‘catching up’, getting drinks, mentions of some other boys Joshua didn’t know. He sat on the chair and watched his hands, picking at the skin around the nails, hating the way his ex just rolled into his life again and made him like this. The way he used to be.

“I ordered you a latte,” Jaehyun said as he slid into the seat across from him. “Mingyu said he’ll put it on a tab and you can pay when we leave.” Joshua opened his mouth to say something but instead he just let it go. It would be just this once. “So,” the man across from him eyed him critically, “what’s with the earrings?” Joshua shrugged. “Just thought they would be cool, you know, something different.” “I guess,” Jaehyun smiled in an amused way which made Joshua feel even smaller, “if you’re into that sort of thing. Which you are.” Joshua could see him staring at his necklace again, the sparkling birthstones laying side by side, their colours pairing perfectly and glimmering in the café’s soft lighting.

“Tell me about your new boyfriend then,” Jaehyun said as Jeonghan put the cups down on the table. “This definitely yours?” he asked Joshua with a look and the man nodded silently as he took a sip. It was horrible. What he wouldn’t give for a nice strong Americano over ice. “He’s an angel. He’s younger than me, you age actually, he’s a singer. His voice is heaven.” Jaehyun laughed loudly at that. “Better than mine?’ Joshua nodded. His ex was a talented and charismatic singer and dancer but Seokmin’s voice was rich and distinctive and put him under a spell.

“Wow,” Jaehyun said as he mixed his latte with the straw. “You’re in love with him.” “What?” Joshua stammered out as he snapped out of his daydream. His mind had wandered a full circle from Seokmin’s voice ringing out through the University theatre to his voice ringing out through the dark night of Joshua’s room as he let him push inside his body. To his beautifully soft hands and back down to his own shaking as they held the plastic latte cup. “Joshua, no one knows you better than me-“ “That’s debatable,” Joshua snapped uncharacteristically but Jaehyun was undeterred. “I can see it all over your face, how smitten you are, it’s crazy actually.”

The bells rang and the door swung open and Joshua’s jaw dropped a little when he walked in. It was Seokmin, _his_ Seokmin, but something was different. Something was more definite, more assertive, more focused. He watched the man walk towards him with a look of rapture and possessiveness in his eyes he’d never seen before. “Hi,” Joshua stammered out as Seokmin pulled up a chair right beside him and nuzzled into his neck. “Hi, hope I’m not interrupting, but Soonyoung lost interest in the practice session and I kinda really missed you...”

 

The words were hot and heavy, tickling the hairs around the back of his neck, making Joshua giggle and blush. “You’re not interrupting at all,” he said making Seokmin break into a bright smile. “Good. I think it would be nice if we got to know each other.” He turned his focus to Jaehyun but kept his hand firmly clamped on Joshua’s thigh while he spoke. “When were you born?” he asked, the usual question when you meet someone new, and Jaehyun leaned back in his chair. “1997. You?” “Same,” Seokmin leaned closer to Joshua, “what month?” “February 14th.” Seokmin lost a little steam when he realised the other was older than him by a whopping four days.

 

“Mines the 18th,” he said and Joshua wondered how he totally missed this detail. How he could have missed this fact, overlooked it, how such an important thing went unnoticed. Maybe it was only due to the fact that Jaehyun’s celebrations always excluded Joshua. Maybe deep down he never really cared that much.

 

He looked from Jaehyun’s amused stare over to Seokmin’s steel gaze. He’d honestly never seen him look so serious but when their eyes met it melted immediately. “You got a thing for aquarians?” He flirted withe his eyes as he stared at Joshua’s lips feeling emboldened by the new audience they had. “You’re right on the cusp anyway,” Joshua whispered and held his breath as Seokmin leaned over to peck him right on the mouth. Feeling especially brave, buoyed by the way Joshua leaned into the kiss, Seokmin slipped his tongue in. He kissed Joshua briefly, slow and gentle and soft, just enough without being too much. It was only then that Seokmin noticed the thick sweetness on Joshua’s lips instead of the rich bitter flavour of his boyfriend favourite drink. “You didn’t order that,” he said as he eyed the milky drink watery with melted ice. “I’ll get two Americanos to go and we can drink them while we walk back to campus. Unless you want to stay longer...?” Joshua quickly shook his head. 

 

He watched Seokmin’s figure all the way to the counter, admiring the broad width of his back and the roundness of his thighs, hitching his breath as Seokmin leaned over the counter to speak with Jeonghan. “Whipped,” Jaehyun said as he smiled at Joshua making him blush up to the tips of his ears. Joshua just shrugged. He was whipped. He knew it and there was no point trying to hide it. “Him, JoshuaI was talking about him, you’ve really got him wrapped around your little finger.”

 

Joshua couldn’t help the smile cross his lips. Even if it was pretend he would enjoy the pretence a little bit longer. He’d enjoy it while it lasted.

 


	29. Chapter 29

 

 

 

As soon as they left Jaehyun walked over to the counter. “I didn’t know you knew that Joshua guy,” Mingyu said as he grinned at his friend. “Oh, Joshua, he’s my ex actually. Small world.” His smile seemed a little forced and Jeonghan eyed the two younger men with amusement. “Oh, really? I guess that was awkward,” Mingyu ran a hand through his dark hair but Jaehyun just laughed again. “We ended on good terms. It wasn’t real serious anyway we were just messing around.” Jeonghan snorted under his breath. He was perceptive and the interactions he’d had with Joshua had shown him a person putting up a front with a soft and sentimental heart inside. He couln’t picture Joshua in any sort of relationship with this guy.

“Anyway, seems like a good excuse for a party!” Mingyu grabbed his phone out as he hopped around in excitement. “Gyu,” Jeonghan frowned at him as he almost knocked over a tray of brownies. “Sorry,” the tall man whispered as he winked at Jaehyun. “Time to get the whole gang back together. Eunwoo will be so excited, we can have a party at Yugyeom’s share house, his friends won’t care. Their place is always trashed anyway.” Jeonghan watched Mingyu tap frenetically at his phone with a huge grin on his face as his friend leaned casually against the door frame of the kitchen.

 

“Invite Joshua,” Jaehyun said and Mingyu frowned. “I don’t know him that well. I don’t have his number. Don’t you?” Jaehyun shook his head. When Joshua left so suddenly he’d cut off all contact including blocking Jaehyun from his social media and changing his phone number. Jaehyun was dying for more of a glimpse into this new life his ex was carefully cultivating after being shout out so unceremoniously.

 

“I have it,” Jeonghan offered up. “I’ll let him know.” “Awesome,” Jaehyun smiled in a way which was really quite unsettling. “Make sure he brings his new boyfriend.” Jeonghan nodded his agreement and turned back to his tray of baking as Mingyu began to walk Jaehyun out without saying goodbye.

 

“Your friend seems like a real jerk,” Jeonghan said without looking up from his tray of brownies when he heard Mingyu return to the room. “You know hyung, people say that about you,” he clapped back and Jeonghan shrugged. He knew he had his own issues. He’d even acted like an asshole to Seokmin before he knew the truth of what was going on with them. Before he understood that they were two lost souls searching for something not knowing it was right under their noses. Joshua was smitten, he’d admitted the depth of his feelings, and Jeonghan could tell Seokmin felt the same. 

 

He could tell the moment the boy walked in and expressed his disgust at Jaehyun’s choice of coffee. Seokmin knew how Joshua liked his coffee because he knew him, the real Joshua, not the fake persona he was trying to portray. And that was real love. True feelings found in something as simple as a cup of coffee and expressed in such a quiet and genuine action.

 

Jeonghan wouldn’t interfere with things between Joshua and Seokmin. It wasn’t his place. But he would sure as hell keep an eye on this Jaehyun guy and hopefully keep him from causing too much damage if he could.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Jaehyun is very good looking,” Seokmin said warily as they wandered across campus. It was unspoken between them now that they would naturally gravitate to Joshua’s apartment and that was where they seemed to be heading in the glow of the afternoon sun. Clouds were rolling in from the west and Seokmin wondered if it might storm later. Until then the sun continued to shine and cast a rainbow of hues across the fast gathering clouds, tinting the heavy greys and purples with gold and pink and light. It was beautiful but paled in comparison to Joshua’s warm smile as the older turned towards him.

 

“Yeah, I guess, but he doesn’t have a lot else going for him.” Joshua’s smile faded fast at the immediate mention of his ex. He didn’t really want to ruin their time together talking about him but Seokmin was insistent. “So, did you break up because you were moving? Or like-“ Seokmin’s mouth dropped open. “Hyung are you guys getting back together? Did he come here for you?” 

 

Joshua shook his head vehemently. “No way.” He scowled and chewed his bottom lip. He didn’t know how to assure Seokmin things were over without being too obvious or overbearing. He took a deep breath in, exhaled, and told the truth.

 

“Jeffrey-I mean Jaehyun, he broke my heart. He used me, for my stuff, for my money, for my body....” Joshua’s voice wavered but he continued. “He was so closeted. He would never hold my hand in public, wouldn’t introduce me to his friends, would never tell his parents about us.” Seokmin’s blood ran cold at that word he was most afraid of.

 

_Used._

 

The word that played constantly on his mind. This Jaehyun guy had used his precious Joshua and treated him so callously and hurt him almost beyond repair. Seokmin could tell by the shiver in Joshua’s body, the beginnings of tears in his eyes, the concealed tremble in his voice. But wasn’t Seokmin doing the exact same thing? He wasn’t afraid to hold his hand, to show off his reverence, to parade Joshua in public like he deserved. And if Joshua agreed he knew his parents would love the older boy and welcome him into their home. They weren’t the most progressive people in the world but they valued their sons happiness over any of societies stigmas and prejudices.

 

The thought of taking Joshua home to his family made his stomach warm and fluttery but soon he remembered that word that struck into his core with painful shards of ice.

 

_Used._

 

He hated the thought of Joshua ever feeling used by him. He would have to start being more careful with his words and actions.

 

“Are you okay?” Joshua pulled on his hand a little and Seokmin realised he’d been spacing out. “Yeah, just mad I guess, you deserve better hyung. You deserve someone who will treat you like a prince and spoil you.” It was his turn to control his wavering voice now as he choked out the words.

 

Joshua just squeezed his hand a little tighter and smiled to himself. Now he had Seokmin no one else would be able to compare. No one would ever measure up to the addictive and charismatic charms of Seokmin’s joyful innocence. And no one would ever have the same dichotomy or duality, balancing the adorable and lovable with the sexy and the seductive. Joshua was smitten and couldn’t see himself ever falling for anyone the way he’d fallen for Seokmin.

 

He didn’t know how to tell him so he just squeezed his hand tighter as they walked towards his building before it started to rain.

 

 

 

 

The first few drops were falling as they jogged laughing to the door. The backpack on Seokmin’s back was almost permanent these days and indicated to Joshua that Seokmin had every intention of staying over. It made Joshua smile as he unlocked the door to his apartment and they made their way inside. Seokmin tossed the backpack down on the floor and Joshua picked it up. “I made space for you,” he said with a sudden rush of heat to his face at his boldness. He was determined to make room in his life for Seokmin and show him that he had a place in it permanently.

 

Seokmin took the bag and followed Joshua into his bedroom. One side of the closet had been cleared and there were empty drawers and hangers waiting for his things. The only garment already hanging was the luxurious navy blue robe that Joshua had bought him. “You can leave stuff here and you won’t have to carry that backpack around,” Joshua stumbled a little and felt the pink in his cheeks rise up to the tips of his ears. Seokmin grinned brightly as him and began to pull his T-shirts out of his bag and hang them up. He was just finishing when Joshua’s phone buzzed and he sat on the edge of the bed to check it.

 

“There’s a welcome back party for Jaehyun tonight,” Joshua said softly. “We’re invited.” “Then we’ll go,” Seokmin turned and grabbed Joshua’s hands in his. This was the perfect opportunity to show Jaehyun who had the upper hand.


	30. Chapter 30

  

 

 

Seokmin wasn’t sure about this party. He’d been to the parties held by the Chinese exchange students, finding them reasonably tame, but this was different. As Joshua and Seokmin approached the share house belonging to Jaehyun’s friend they could hear loud music thumping and smell the scent of  weed and too many people.

 

“Are you sure?” Joshua said as he felt Seokmin’s nervousness. “Yeah, I mean, we can just put in an appearance right? Talk to a few people and leave?” Joshua nodded his agreement and they made their way inside. Seokmin clung tightly to Joshua’s hand as they made their way through the oppressive crowd of people to find someone they knew.

“Hey!” a loud voice echoed over the even louder music and Seokmin knew who it was immediately. “Hey Soonyoung,” he said as he let the other grab him in an aggressive hug. A strong smelling drink spilled out onto Seokmin’s shirt making him cringe at the smell and feel and he wondered how long Soonyoung had been there to be so drunk. Joshua spotted Jaehyun and his friends and the other waved him over. “Soonyoung can you look after him for me?” Joshua smiled at the dancer who immediately snapped his hand to his forehead in a mock salute. “My pleasure,” he said and dragged Seokmin away from the crowd towards the corner where the other dancers were gathered together.

The last thing Joshua wanted to do was push Seokmin and Soonyoung even closer but he just couldn’t have Seokmin around Jaehyun. It was too risky. Jaehyun was unpredictable and he could see by the red around his eyes and the uncoordinated wave he’d also been here drinking for a while. He sucked in a deep breath and walked over towards Jaehyun and tried to smile politely. “Here he is boys,” Jaehyun said a little too loudly. “My pretty little ex. Joshua this is Yugyeom,” he waved his hand over at a tall boy with dark hair, “this is Eunwoo,” Joshua nearly fainted when he turned to the second boy. He was possibly the best looking person he’d ever seen in real life. Objectively speaking, of course, he much preferred the easy bright smile and sharp features of Seokmin over this vision of perfection. “And you know Mingyu?” Joshua nodded at the third boy and wondered why all of Jaehyun’s friends were so dam tall.

“So tell me Joshua,” Jaehyun said as he leaned a little too close, “miss me?” Joshua smiled awkwardly and looked around at the boys staring at him. They were all younger but he felt so intimidated by them. He was suddenly aware of his new persona, the image of the cool and worldly foregather, and how much of a fraud he was. He felt exposed, small, like it was all for nothing. He’d hated who he used to be and moved to the other side of the world to try and escape it but it had just caught up with him and hit him head on.

“Why would he miss you Jae?” the one called Eunwoo laughed loudly. “He’s got a new boyfriend now. And he sings like an angel. I’ve heard him.” “Really?” Yugyeom asked as his eyes flicked around the room. “That guy,” Eunwoo pointed out Seokmin on the other side of the big living area standing with the other musical theatre kids and Soonyoung. Whatever Soonyoung was doing must have been hilarious as they were all laughing and Joshua noticed Seokmin had one of the cups in his hand already. “That guy? He’s such a nerd, I don’t know how he got that part in the musical, he beat my friend Bam Bam.” Yugyeom rolled his eyes and Mingyu pushed him a little too hard making alcohol slosh out all over the carpet. “That’s because your friend sucks,” Mingyu laughed as Joshua began to panic. He knew he somehow had to defend Seokmin but he just didn’t know what to say. “Hey,” a voice called out behind him and Joshua turned to find Jeonghan waving him over. “I’m stealing him for a bit,” he said to the younger boys who took little notice and went back to their banter.

“They’re jerks,” Joshua said immediately as Jeonghan pulled him over towards the back door. “Yeah, they’re just immature,” Jeonghan said as his blond hair shook. “don’t you remember being young and stupid?” Joshua nodded. He did. But they were the same age as Seokmin and he didn’t act like that. “Maybe my past taste in men is just shit,” Joshua laughed as Jeonghan grabbed a bottle from a bucket of ice and handed it to him. “Whatever you do don’t take the drinks in the cups. It’s some kind of fruit punch but someone filled it mostly with homemade vodka. Anyway, it tastes like lighter fluid, and that’s why most people here are wasted.” Joshua remembered seeing Seokmin with one and decided he better go in soon and find him.

“Where’s your rapper boyfriend?” Joshua asked as they sat down on a bench seat. Jeonghan’s face fell a little and he pointed over towards the house. Through the window they could see a stunning dark haired man enraptured in conversation with the short man Joshua knew as Jihoon, Seokmin’s roommate and the director of the musical. Every time the shorter opened his mouth the dark haired rapper’s eyes lit up with flirtation and mischief and Joshua suddenly understood. “Oh,” he said softly as Jeonghan nodded. “Yeah, I guess you aren’t the only one with shit taste in men, mine’s not too great either.” “So what’s up with you guys then? I thought you were in this happy open relationship?” Joshua sipped the sweet pineapple drink from the bottle and memories of pineapple soaked kisses, innocent and sweet and so exciting, dig themselves up from his memories.

“I don’t know,” Jeonghan shrugged, uncharacteristically quiet, his voice soft as he turned his own bottle over and around in his hands. “That was fun at first. But I guess I fell for him and he didn’t exactly fall for me in the same way. I thought making him jealous would work but it didn’t. He just isn’t ready to settle down.” Joshua could feel the sadness radiating from his new friend in waves. “Maybe you need to end it,” he said as he swallowed the rest of his drink. “Trust me, I know from experience, people don’t change. And you can’t lower your expectations. If you want it to be exclusive then give him an ultimatum. Ending it is going to be less painful in the long run than torturing yourself out here in the cold.”

“You’re right,” Jeonghan said as he sat up a little straighter. “Maybe I should focus on myself a little more and less on being jealous of what other people have.” They sat in silence as they watched Jeonghan’s boyfriend wander over and start flirting openly with one of the boys standing with the dancers. He looked young, too young to be at a University party, and Jeonghan’s face twisted into a scowl.

“I gotta go find Seokmin,” Joshua said. He couldn’t get the image of his poor sweet boyfriend chugging the strong alcohol out of his mind. “I gotta go save Seungcheol from that jailbait,” Jeonghan sighed and got up as well. Joshua walked in to find Seokmin wasn’t with the dancers and theatre kids any more. He looked around but didn’t see him anywhere. He wandered back towards the front door and Jaehyun grabbed his arm as he tried to slip back past his group unnoticed. “”Where are you going?” he slurred a little and Joshua tried to shake his arm free. “I’m looking for Seokmin,” he said as he tried to shake free. “Oh, your boyfriend? Pretty sure I saw him leaving with someone and they looked really cosy, all cuddly and stuff…” 

 

Jaehyun’s eyes were red and he leaned out of the way as Yugyeom passed a fat joint over towards him. “Joshua won’t try that,” Jaehyun started to laugh a little, “he’s a good boy..” Joshua’s eyes stung with embarrassment. He was older than them and he wasn’t that same scared little church boy any more. He scowled before taking the joint from Yugyeom’s hands and sucking in a big draw of the rich smoke. “Taste good?” Jaehyun laughed and Joshua nodded despite his instant internal panic. This wasn’t the same kind of backyard grown weed Hansol always passed around at parties. This was super strong and he felt it hit him immediately. “I want a taste,” Jaehyun said as he leaned dangerously close to Joshua’s face and Joshua had to close his eyes as the world began to spin beneath him.

“You guys came!” Seokmin said as he met Hansol and Seungkwan at the door of the house. They’d been uncertain but Seokmin had been insistent and finally won them over. He wasn’t having a great time, Joshua hadn’t been seen since his ex boyfriend stole him away, and an increasingly drunk Soonyoung was also increasingly annoying. “You guys what?” Soonyoung giggled as he clung unsteadily to Seokmin’s arm and the other tried to hold him steady. “Jesus Christ,” Seungkwan mumbled under his breath as he watched Soonyoung wobble around before trying to stand up straight. “Soonyoung do you have someone who can help you get home?” Seokmin asked as Hansol and Seungkwan tried to help him with the drunk dancer. “Yeah,” he slurred, “you guys. My best friends…” he threw his arm around Seokmin again and Seokmin sighed. “I’ll tell Joshua we’re going to take him home. Will you guys help me?” Hansol looked over at Seungkwan who nodded his agreement. This looked like a three person job and this wasn’t their crowd anyway.

Seokmin turned to find Joshua and tell him where he was going. He rounded the corner of the hallway back towards the living room where he last saw Joshua standing with Jaehyun and his friends. As the four walked around the corner into the living area Seokmin’s jaw dropped open with shock. Joshua was wrapped in Jaehyun’s arms, hands roaming his chest and thighs, eyes closed as Jaehyun licked messily into his mouth. Stunned, Seokmin couldn’t move a muscle as he just stood there fixed to the spot, watching on as Joshua let Jaehyun press him against the wall and kiss him hungrily. He didn’t even realise the others had joined him until Soonyoung grabbed his arm.

“What the fuck is he doing?” Soonyoung was the first to speak. Shocked out of his drunken state he shook free from Seokmin’s grip and walked over to pull the two apart. “How could you do this to him?” Soonyoung slurred and the dazed confusion on Joshua’s face was evident. Before Seokmin knew what was happening Soonyoung had drawn back his fist and it connected, slightly off centre, with Joshua’s bottom lip. “Hey,” Jaehyun jumped between them and Mingyu and the others grabbed him to hold him back. People started yelling. Everyone was staring. It was if time had stopped and everyone in the party stood and stared at the group of men altercating in their inebriated state.

“Let’s just go,” Hansol said quickly as he grabbed onto Seokmin. Seungkwan grabbed Soonyoung and they were out the door before anyone could say anything else. They had to get out of there before things got even worse.

 

 


	31. Chapter 31

 

 

Seokmin couldn’t help it. Tears streamed down his cheeks as the cold night air hit them. Even though it was false, even though it wasn’t real, he’d fooled himself into thinking it was. Or, at least it could be, but all that was gone. “If he wanted to get back with him why couldn’t he just tell me first,” he mumbled softly as Hansol hugged him tight to his body. Hansol looked over at Seungkwan struggling with drunk Soonyoung and whispered ‘later’ in his ear. This needed to be talked about without the other present.

“Let me go back,” Soonyoung suddenly turned and shrugged himself out of Seungkwan’s grasp. “Soonyoung don’t worry about it,” Seokmin pleaded with his drunk friend. “I’ll deal with it myself tomorrow, please Soonyoung,” his voice cracked and finally broke and he started to sob. Soonyoung stopped flailing and turned to wrap Seokmin in his arms and, to their surprise, started to cry too. “He needs a slap,” Soonyoung whispered through his drunk tears and Seokmin could only nod. “Yeah he does,” he said with a rueful smile. It was the saddest smile he’d ever let grace his features and it was as if the sun had passed behind a thick dark cloud, its bright light dimmed.

“You already gave him a punch,” Seokmin began to giggle and Soonyoung laughed too. Soon they were walking and laughing, arms linked and cheeks streaked with tears, Hansol and Seungkwan trailing behind them. Seokmin’s stomach churned with guilt, he’d put too much burden on them lately, he shouldn’t have even dragged them into tonight’s fiasco in the first place. 

 

“I don’t want to be alone,” he said as he clung onto Soonyoung’s arm. “Can you stay with me?” He was a little drunk but not as drunk as Soonyoung but the walk had sobered them both up and now they were standing outside Seokmin’s dorm building. “Of course,” Soonyoung said as he turned to Hansol and Seungkwan. “I’ll look after him tonight. We’ll be fine.” “Really?” Hansol said and Seokmin nodded. “Call me in the morning so we can have breakfast and sort this out when I’m sober. Okay?” Seungkwan looked over from Hansol to Soonyoung and back to Hansol who nodded to Seokmin’s relief. “See you in the morning,” Seungkwan said and in a moment of sentimentality he leaned over and pressed a kiss to his friends’ forehead. “Get some sleep. Both of you.”

“Shhh,” Seokmin said as he unlocked the front door. “My roommate is a bit scary. I don’t think he’ll mind you being here thought,” he said as he walked in to the silent dorm room. Jihoon’s door was open which meant he wasn’t home and Seokmin relaxed. “You okay to sleep on the floor?” he asked and Soonyoung nodded as his eyelids drooped. He wouldn’t have any problem sleeping anywhere. Seokmin grabbed a pillow and blanket from his closet and by the time he got turned around Soonyoung was already closing his eyes as he laid out flat on the carpet. “Here,” Seokmin tossed the pillow and blanket to him as Soonyoung sat up and tossed his hoodie off and onto the floor. “Good night,” Seokmin whispered as he turned the light off. He crept into his bed and snuggled down in all his clothes. He didn’t even bother taking off his shirt or jeans.

“Are you going to break up with him?” Soonyoung asked quietly in the darkness. “I have to,” Seokmin said as his voice wavered and his body trembled. Everyone had seen what Joshua was doing with Jaehyun. Everyone saw him crying, Soonyoung swinging, Jaehyun laughing. Videos of them would be all over the campus by morning. He’d be a laughing stock if he forgave him and stayed with him. It was hard to remember that this was all fake, he shouldn’t be so upset, if anything Joshua had done him a favour. He’d given them the perfect believable way to split up their fake relationship. Seokmin sat up and undid the necklace from around his neck and placed it on the bedside table before laying back down. He’d give it back tomorrow. The deal was over for sure this time.

A hand crept into his in the pitch-black room and squeezed gently. “Your friends are all here for you,” Soonyoung whispered and Seokmin nodded even though he couldn’t see him. “Thanks,” he whispered as tears began to fall silently down his cheeks again. “I’ll need you.”

Joshua rolled over and groaned. He had no idea where he was. His eyes wouldn’t focus, they would barely even open and he felt like his whole body had lead coursing through the veins. His head hurt, his eyes hurt, and when he tried to lick his dry cracked lips they hurt too. The taste of blood shocked him a little into sitting up and he put his hand to his mouth and felt it swollen and bruised.

 

“What the fuck..” he whispered under his breath. It was only then that he registered where he was. He was on a couch near the back door of Jaehyun’s friends share house. He couldn’t remember how he got there or falling asleep. He couldn’t remember anything after taking a huge puff of that ridiculously strong weed and immediately regretting his actions. He couldn’t remember why his shirt stank like vomit or why his mouth was bloody and bruised. A sinking feeling settled in his stomach as he began to realise he wasn’t ready to remember.

“Good morning sunshine,” a voice called out and Joshua turned to see Jaehyun standing in the middle of the alcohol soaked room. He looked significantly less bedraggled than Joshua felt. “What happened?” Joshua groaned as he ran a hand through his hair and Jaehyun chuckled. “You went in too hard on    and, well, check your notifications. You get pretty feisty when you’re wasted Joshua,” Jaehyun said. “You really should know your limits better.”

Joshua’s stomach churned as he leaned over and found his phone on the floor. He had so many notifications and scrambled to unlock it and find out what happened before it went flat. He remembered someone telling him Seokmin was leaving with Soonyoung. He remembered the heady smell of weed and he remembered coughing his lungs up at how strong it was. He remembered floating in a sea of warm but terrifying sounds and sensations as it crept through his veins and into his brain. 

 

And then, just as he clicked on the video he was tagged in, he remembered lips on his. Lips on his and hands on his body, but they weren’t warm and loving and soft, they were aggressive and hungry and mocking. Tears filled his eyes as he watched the shaky video of Jaehyun pressing him against the wall and himself just letting him. It was clearly one of Jaehyun’s friends filming them. He could hear someone laughing in the background, egging him on, saying ‘Jae’s been here a few days and he’s already getting it in’. There was another voice, Mingyu’s he thought, begging the other to stop filming.

There was another video. In this one Soonyoung breaks free from Seokmin’s grasp. ‘How could you do this to him?’ the dancer screamed as he unleashed a pretty fierce punch to Joshua’s mouth. The video was shaky and grainy but showed everything, Joshua’s dazed expression, Jaehyun’s smirk, Soonyoung’s anger. Most of all it showed the absolute devastation on Seokmin’s face as everyone watched on. Joshua shook as he closed his phone and threw up all over the floor. His body went cold as it heaved and rejected everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours.

_‘How could you do this to him?’_

Joshua didn’t know. Even though their relationship wasn’t real, he’d just humiliated Seokmin in front of half their university. Everyone who wasn’t there would have seen these videos by now. “Fuck you,” he snapped at a still-chuckling Jaehyun as he stood up and searched for his shirt and shoes. He had to make this right and he had to do it quickly. He didn’t know if he even still had a chance, he knew he definitely didn’t deserve one, but he had to try and apologise. He found his shirt under his head and his shoes by the couch and he dressed as quickly as he could before grabbing his phone and running out of the share house into the bright morning sun.

The sun burned into his retinas as he dragged his struggling body out of the share house and across the campus. It was the worst walk of shame he’d ever experienced. People stared at him; makeup smudged and split lip bleeding, as he walked in last night’s clothes towards Seokmin’s room. He wasn’t sure if they had seen the videos or were just amused by his dishevelled state but either way he deserved their scorn. He deserved the shame and he deserved the stares and whispers but Seokmin didn’t. He wanted to throw up again but he kept walking.

He finally made it and knocked at the door of Seokmin’s dorm. He waited nervously as he heard the sound of feet walking towards it and when it was thrown open he faced his greatest nightmare. Soonyoung, shirtless and scowling, stood in the doorway with no intention of moving aside.


	32. Chapter 32

* * *

 

 

“What do you want?” Soonyoung asked and Joshua cringed. “I was just hoping to talk to Seokmin. I want to apologise.” “No way, no fucking way, he doesn’t need this shit right now…” Soonyoung’s hangover barely tempered his rage as he shifted from one foot to the other. “Please…” Joshua pleaded and he looked so sad, so pitiful with his messy hair and makeup steaked face, that Soonyoung almost gave in. “I thought he said to fuck off. Didn’t you hear him the first time.” An angry man, the shortest angriest man Soonyoung had ever seen, pushed him out the way and slammed the door closed in Joshua’s face. 

 

Soonyoung stared at him before his mouth dropped open and he realised who Seokmin’s roommate was. “Oh, wow, Lee Jihoon,” Soonyoung’s hand went to smooth down his hair before realising he was shirtless. “I’ve never seen you up close Sir,” he stammered out as he bowed low and the other began to scowl. “That fucker shows up again and you have my permission to punch him in the face again,” Jihoon said and Soonyoung saluted him enthusiastically. “Yes Captain, I will definitely make sure he fucks off,” he said and Jihoon finally cracked a smile before disappearing back into his room.

 

 

“Did he leave?” Seokmin asked as he huddled under his thick blanket. “Yes. You didn’t tell me your roommate was Lee Jihoon.” Soonyoung flopped onto the end of the bed and Seokmin looked at him curiously from his tiny peephole in the blankets. “Why would I?’ “Why would you not? He’s such an enigma, short and small, gorgeous and talented, such an ideal tsundere boyfriend just like a real life manga….” Soonyoung sighed and rolled over, kicking his legs in the air, “he’s the only man I’d settle down for.”

“Thanks for being a great friend,” Seokmin said as he hid back under his covers. When Seungkwan and Hansol arrived a few minutes later, Soonyoung left the friends alone.

 

 

 

What else could he do? 

 

Joshua stood and stared at the closed door in a daze before walking away. His head hung low and he wished desperately for a pair of sunglasses to hide his shameful face away from the world. He really didn’t think Seokmin would have slept with Soonyoung, despite what it looked like, but if he did he wouldn’t blame him. Soonyoung had been his goal all along.

 

He walked out of Seokmin’s building and across the campus towards the grassed sports oval with his head pounding and his feet dragging. He saw Seokmin’s friends, no longer his by assumption, in the distance and turned towards the café to avoid them. Jeonghan was standing outside on his break, coffee in one hand and cigarette in the other, and the blond man waved him over. “You look like shit,” Jeonghan said and Joshua immediately crumbled into tears. “Shit,” Jeonghan mumbled as he dropped his cigarette and pulled Joshua into his arms and let the boy cry into his shoulder.

“What were you thinking Joshua?” Jeonghan said softly as he stroked the sobbing boy’s hair. “I wasn’t..” Joshua stammered through his tears. “I-I just, they were all staring at me; I didn’t want them to make fun of me. So I just took it and the rest is all a blur….” Jeonghan shook his head as he pulled Joshua out of his arms and looked at his puffy face and red eyes. “So you threw it all away because you didn’t want Jaehyun to make fun of you? Seriously man, you have to get over this obsession with what people think of you. It’s ruining your life.” Joshua just swallowed thickly as he tried to supress his tears knowing Jeonghan was right. He didn’t know why Jaehyun had such a strong effect on him and he didn’t know how to break the hold the other man seemed to have.

 

“Wait here,” Jeonghan, said as he walked into the café. He came out a few minutes later with a big cup filled with apple juice and crushed ice and when he handed it to him Joshua went to pieces again. He should be inside the café nursing a hangover, watching Seokmin groan and complain about his headache while he wrapped his perfect lips around the straw of a huge apple juice, not standing out here in the sun alone.

When he began to sniffle again Jeonghan exhaled, exasperated, and ran a hand through his hair. “Go home Joshua. Go home, shower, get yourself together. Then you can start to work out how you’re going to fix this. Okay?” “Yeah okay,” he said and smiled small and wan. “Thanks Jeonghan. I appreciate it.”

When he finally made it home, he closed the door behind him and leaned against it. It was hard to believe less than 24 hours ago his life seemed so perfect. He wished he could go back in time to when he had Seokmin here taking up space, laughing loudly at the tv, helping him cook dinner or pretending to study when he was really watching Netflix. He dropped the empty juice cup next to the door on a table and put his keys and phone down with it. His phone was almost dead and he wanted it to die. Every notification was like a stab to the heart, a reminder of his betrayal, and the public nature of it. Seokmin must be so humiliated. And now everyone would know him as the poor guy who got cheated on in front of half the university at a stupid sleazy party. They never should have went.

When he caught his breath, he braved the next room. Seokmin’s notes from his vocal class were still scattered across the table and an empty glass sat next to them on a coaster. Joshua left them where they were before facing the hardest place. The bedroom.

The closet door was half-open and Joshua pulled it aside. Hanging beside his shirts and jackets was a soft warm hoodie with a pair of sweatpants folded inside it over the hanger. There was also a white t-shirt and a pair of jeans and a soft looking flannel shirt. Joshua’s hand reached out and swept across the fabric, imagining how nice it would be to hug Seokmin while he was wearing it, and his tears fell again. 

 

He stepped under the steady stream of hot water, scalding enough to stream his skin pink, but no matter how much he scrubbed he still felt dirty. He washed his hair, scrubbed his nails, soaped his whole body before repeating the whole process again and again. Finally pure exhaustion won over and he stepped out of the shower wrapping himself in a thick towel. When he saw the small mark on his neck near his shoulder he dropped to his knees and vomited the apple juice into the toilet. 

 

He hated Jaehyun but most of all he hated himself and how weak he was. He didn’t deserve Seokmin. Seokmin deserved someone strong and virtuous and honourable. Someone he could be proud of. 

 

He knew he didn’t deserve it but he still wrapped himself in the soft flannel shirt Seokmin had left behind and let its scent sooth him into a fitful sleep like a lullaby. It wasn’t Seokmin’s arms but it was as close as he was going to get until he worked out how to fix this.


	33. Chapter 33

 

 

“Drama,” Seungkwan said as they piled into Seokmin’s tiny dorm bedroom. “Tell me about it,” Hansol echoed as he climbed onto Seokmin’s bed and lay flat across the older man’s back. “You’re crushing me,” Seokmin managed to eek out from under the quilt and the weight of his best friends body. “It’s alive!” Seungkwan yelled loudly and began jumping on the end of the bed unbalancing Hansol from his perch and dumping him onto the floor.

 

“Ouch,” Hansol scowled and rubbed his knee where he’d landed heavily on it. “You guys are the worst,” Seokmin grumbled from under his layers. “You’re supposed to be comforting me.” “What do you want us to say Seokmin hyung?” Hansol asked from his seat on the floor. “Your very fake boyfriend cheated on you with his very real ex boyfriend. He looks like the asshole here.” Seokmin began to sniffle and Seungkwan lay down next to him and put an arm over his shoulder. 

 

“Oh no!” Seokmin suddenly sat up making the covers spill around him. “My notes are there, all my notes for the musical, I have rehearsal later.” He flopped backwards on the bed and sighed aloud. “My favorite shirt is there and my best jeans. What am I going to do?” “Do you want us to go there and get the stuff later?” Seungkwan asked and Seokmin thought about it. He wanted to go himself. He watned to check on Joshua and make sure he was okay, he knew the embarrassment would be killing him inside. Most of all he just missed him. He’d been planning on waking up next to him this morning and hopefully taking a nice long semi-hungover walk around the campus parks before sharing a brunch at the café. Now it had all gone to shit.

“Maybe,” he said. “What if I go there and he’s there?” Seokmin was so afraid to face Jaehyun. He’d walked into their lives and staked his claim on everything Seokmin held dear. All he needed was for the jerk to show up in the musical and his life would be over. Not much chance of that happening with Jihoon in charge though, he realised, as he relaxed a little. He couldn’t stand the thougth of turning up at Joshua’s apartment to find himself replaced. 

 

“I don’t know if Joshua hyung really likes him that much,” Seungkwan said. “Well it was his idea to go to the party and it was his idea to kiss him in front of everyone,” Seokmin snapped and then the tears fell again. “I just thought I would be able to get him to like me if I could just keep this thing going. I really thought I might get him to think of me as more than just a friend.”

“Well whatever you had it’s over now for sure hyung,” Hansol said from the floor. “Maybe you can just work it out from here. I mean, technically he didn’t cheat on you, because technically you guys weren’t really dating, so technically he kind of hasn’t done anything wrong. Am I right?” “No,” Seungkwan said as he leaned over and flicked Hansol’s forehead. “The point is everyone knows what he did. Everyone thinks he cheated on Seokmin. You can’t try and get him back hyung. Everyone one will think you’re a fool.”

Seokmin didn’t care what everyone thought. He didn’t care if he looked like the biggest fool on the planet. All he cared about was getting Joshua back.

 

 

A loud knock roused Joshua from his uneasy slumber. Hed been napping on and off for a few hours and he dragged his heavy limbs off the bed and towards the door. A little part of him allowed himself to be excited thinking it might be Seokmin coming to get his things but that part was quickly squashed. “You look like shit,” Jeonghan said as he walked into Joshua’s apartment and handed him a tall iced Americano. “Thanks,” Joshua mumbled as he flopped onto the couch. “I feel like shit.”

“Is that his shirt?” Joenghan asked, his eyebrow cocked, and Joshua knew what he was going to say. “Yes, so? I just wanted to have, I don’t even know, something? Something to make me feel like he’s still here and I haven’t totally ruined everything.” “Oh my god, stop wallowing in self pity Joshua,” Joenghan sat opposite him and put his feet up on the table. “You need to face what you did and take responsibility.”

 

“How can I do that?” Tears of anger began to streak Joshua’s cheeks as they flushed pink with rage. “How can I take responsibility when I cant even remember what happened. It’s not like I wanted to kiss him!” “Wait, what do you mean you cant remember?” Jeonghan took his feet down from the table and leaned forwards on his knees. “I’m telling you I cant remember. It know was my fault. I wanted to go to the party. I wanted to act cool in front of Jaehyun’s friends. I drank too much and I took the joint and smoked it but that’s the last thing I remember.” Joshua began to shake as his voice trembled through his anger. “I don’t remember kissing him and I definitely don’t remember wanting to. The last thing I remember is wanting to find Seokmin and next thing I knew was waking up next to a puddle of my own vomit.”

Jeonghan’s nose wrinkled before he moved over and put an arm around Joshua’s sholulder. “Honey,” he said softly, “has he done this to you before?” Joshua frowned. “What do you mean?” “I mean, does he often do things like this? This isn’t unusual is it?” Joshua thought over all the times he’d been with Jaehyun, or Jeffrey rather, and ended up doing things he didn’t want to do. The way the other man had such an easy time manipulating him into doing things he wasn’t comfortable with and always seemed to get out of taking responsibility.

 

Joshua always just thought he was weak. Joshua always just thought he didn’t deserve any better. His eyes widened as he realised what Jeonghan was getting at. “I didn’t…….. I couldn’t…….” he closed his eyes in exasperation as he let Jeonghan fill in the blank for him. “No honey, that’s right, you couldn’t consent. It doesn’t change what happened but it does change who is to blame.”

“I didn’t _want_ to hurt him,” Joshua whispered as he curled up on the couch with his head in Jeonghan’s lap. “I know,” Jeonghan said softly as he stroked his hair in an effort to comfort him. “I’m so weak,” Joshua sniffled as he balled his fists inside Seokminn’s soft black and white flannel. “I wanted to come here and change who I was. I wanted to become cool, someone people wanted to know. Someone different from who I was at home. And now he’s turned up here and ruined it.” 

 

Jeonghan inhaled sharply and held his tongue. He was trying so hard to have patience instead of snapping at the poor boy in his lap. Wasn’t everyone just trying to change who they were? He knew he was. But it wasn’t what Joshua needed to hear.

“Who you are is just fine. Why don’t you just be yourself?” Jeonghan said softly and Joshua shook his head. “All I ever wanted was for Jaehyun to be proud of me. You know, hold my hand in public, tell his friends about us. And all he did was use me for my money and my body. He never cared-“

 

He was interrupted by a knock at the door and he sat up with a hopeful expression on his face. “You want me to get it?” Jeonghan asked and Seokmin shook his head as he almost ran to open the door.

 

“Hi,” he said, face falling in disappointment when he saw Seungkwan and Hansol standing in the door way. “Come in,” he said as he unconsciously pulled the shirt tighter around his body and crossed his arms across his chest. He knew why they were here.

 

“Seokmin needs his notes,” Seungkwan said as he brushed past Joshua on his way into the apartment. “How are you feeling?” Hansol said, sympathetic eyes looking Joshua up and down, making him shake his head in response. Joshua didn’t want to say anything and he didn’t have to. His red rimmed eyes and puffy face spoke louder than any words.

 

“Oh,” Seungkwan said when he saw Jeonghan on the couch. “Don’t mind us,” he said sarcastically as he gathered up the notes with Seokmin’s handwriting scrawled all over them. “Sorry if we’re interrupting...” he stopped when he saw the scowl on Hansol’s face. 

 

Joshua came out of the bedroom with a backpack and wordlessy handed it to Hansol. “All his stuff is in there,” he choked out hoarse and tired. “H-he won’t have to come back here again.” Seungkwan rolled his eyes and turned towards Jeonghan. “If I have my way he won’t be.” He turned towards the door with Hansol following behind him.

 

 

“He didn’t waste any time,” Seungkwan grumbled as they walked towards the elevator. “Boo, stop...” Hansol sighed in exasperation. “Maybe Joshua hyung isn’t the bad guy here. Maybe he didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I’m sure he didn’t hurt Seokmin on purpose.” 

 

“You’re right,” Jeonghan said as he caught up to them just in time. “Look, I don’t know how much you know, but first of all don’t get the wrong idea. Joshua and I are just friends.” The glare Jeonghan wore was directed right at Seungkwan who withered a little under the beautiful man’s gaze. “Second of all Joshua is absolutely devastated. None of this was his fault.” “Sure,” Seungkwan snapped, regaining a little of his sass. “He just accidentally fell on his ex boyfriends lips in front of half the school.” “Look asshole,” Jeonghan said low and cold. “That piece of shit is abusive and manipulative. Joshua can’t even remember what happened. Seokmin should at least give him a chance to explain.” Seungkwan opened his mouth and Hansol quickly clamped his hand over it. “We’ll talk to him,” he said with a small smile as Jeonghan nodded and turned back towards Joshua’s apartment.

 

 

“Hi,” Hansol called out and was pleased to see Seokmin walk out of the bathroom with wet hair. He looked a lot better now he’d showered. Hansol handed him the backpack and sat down on the couch while he got dressed. “Was he alone?” Seokmin asked when he came out of his room and Seungkwan shook his head. Seokmin’s face fell and Hansol was quick to set him straight. “That Jeonghan guy was there but he said they’re just friends. He seemed to know..” “Know what?” Seokmin said as he sat down and began to lace his sneakers. “I don’t know, he said not to get the wrong idea and they were just friends, he also said Joshua doesn’t remember what happened.”

 

Seokmin sighed as he rummaged in the bag for his notes. “He said you guys need to talk,” Seungkwan said and Seokmin looked up at him, confused. “Well that’s what I want to do. I want to sort this out. Where’s my flannel shirt?”

 

“Flannel shirt?” Hansol asked and Seokmin nodded. “Black and white flannel shirt?” Seokmin nodded again. “Joshua was wearing it. And he’d been crying.” Seungkwan admitted gently and Seokmin’s heart skipped a beat. Maybe there was still hope. 

 

He decided to go see Joshua after rehearsal. He wasn’t going to tell Hansol or Seungkwan or anyone. He was sick of being scared and sick of caring what other people thought. He was going to fix this himself exactly how he wanted to.

 

Joshua deserved a second chance. They both deserved a second chance at making this what it should be. It was time to be brave and listen to his heart because it was telling him there was no way it was all fake. 

 

 


	34. Chapter 34

 

_“Stranded at the drive-in, branded a fool……_

_What will they say?_

_Monday at school……….”_

Seokmin swung his legs as he sat on the makeshift swing on the stage. The prop design department had done an amazing job and each rehearsal made it feel more and more real. The sadness in his stomach made his song sound even more real as he hit all the right notes. The emotions in his heart were strong and real and hurting him almost physically in their intensity. He knew he liked Joshua a lot but now that he was so unceremoniously lost from his life he knew it was more. He knew he was in love.

He sucked it up and continued on with his song. The words stung him, so real, when he auditioned he never realised how well he could characterise the part. Who knew Grease was so deep? Seokmin finished the song and swung a little higher as he sounded out the last notes. “Good job,” Jihoon called from the second row. “Nice intonation and emotion. Reset for the dance scene.”

“I have to leave early,” the girl playing Sandy called out from side stage and Jihoon rolled his eyes so hard they nearly fell out of his head. “You’re really trying my patience today,” he said in exasperation as the crew moved in to quickly and silently move the swing set from the corner of the stage. “Wanna hand jive with me?” Soonyoung’s eyes were full of mischief as he moved next to Seokmin on stage. “I’m prettier than Sandy anyway.” “Sure thing,” Seokmin agreed. Now he knew about Soonyoung’s not so tiny crush on their tiny director he was happy to play along with any grab for attention the dancer could make.

The song began and, relieved of singing duties and buoyed by his extra dance lessons, Seokmin began to move. He enjoyed the routine so much and couldn’t help but smile brightly along with Soonyoung as the man danced circles around him. Soonyoung’s joy was infectious and as Seokmin danced he allowed his imagination to wander. He and Soonyoung would be a terrible fit as a couple but he liked the idea of his neurotic and grumpy perfectionist roommate with the bright and boisterous dancer. And it would be nice to see Soonyoung settle down. They’d be so cute together, Seokmin thought, and he smiled happily as Soonyoung slipped into his arms and let the other man twirl him around and dip him low.

“You’ve improved,” Soonyoung smirked as he stared up at Seokmin. “You’re heavy,” Seokmin said quickly and Soonyoung laughed loudly as he stood up too quick. “Dizzy, head spinning..” he complained loudly and fell into Seokmin’s arms dramatically as the other cast members started laughing loudly around them. They were all used to Soonyoung’s antics by now and this wasn’t something unusual. “Is he looking?” Soonyoung asked and Seokmin looked out into the audience to see Jihoon scowling furiously at them both. “Yeah but I think we’re going to get in trouble,” he said as he dropped Soonyoung to the ground.

“If we could refrain from these kinds of shenanigans,” Jihoon frowned. “We have very limited time.” “Who the fuck says shenanigans?” Seokmin began to laugh as Soonyoung just stared at Jihoon from the stage. “He’s amazing,” was all he could mumble as he jumped to his feet. “If you want to get his attention maybe you might be better off just working hard and trying to talk to him like a normal person,” Seokmin walked over to the side of the stage to find his water and sit down and Soonyoung followed him.

 

“But-but usually people love my, what did he call it?” Soonyoung rubbed his forehead sweat with a towel as his face scrunched up in thought. “-Shenanigans. People love my shenanigans.” Seokmin held his hand out for Soonyoung to help him up. “Well Jihoon is different. He doesn’t want shenanigans. He wants hard work and making the most of your talent and long deep talks over cans of Coke at three am.”

“You’re a really good friend Seokmin. And a really great person. I’m kind of sorry everyone used to ignore you.” “Its fine,” Seokmin shrugged it off. “I was happy enough then and happy enough now. I just…” he held what he was going to say before looking around. No one was paying much attention to them standing side stage as the props department reset the stage for the carnival scene. “I’m not happy. I miss him already.” 

 

His lips formed a pout and Soonyoung began to laugh. “It hasn’t even been a day. I mean, he’s still your boyfriend isn’t he? You guys didn’t even break up.” “Yeah, you’re right,” Seokmin felt the tears well again and he held them back. “I just want to forgive him but what will people think?” “Who cares what people think?” Soonyoung swung an arm around Seokmin’s shoulder as he led him off stage. “That’s not what my other friends think.” Seokmin drank the rest of his water and when he looked up Soonyoung was looming over him with a curious expression. “Your friends perfect are they? Never made a mistake?” Seokmin’s head began to shake slowly as Soonyoung’s words sank in. Who cares what people thought.

“Well, take it from me, as someone who’s made a lot of mistakes…” Soonyoung’s voice petered out a little as he looked over at Jihoon from behind the curtain, “a little forgiveness goes a long way. He doesn’t need the world to understand. Just you.”

The words hit Seokmin like a brick to the face. They were powerful and insightful and showed a wisdom and introspection he never expected from the lively dancer. “You’re really smart hyung,” Seokmin said as he let the other pull him into a long hug. “So are you. So don’t do something stupid.”

 

 

Joshua had slipped into the back of the theatre unnoticed. He’d walked the whole way with a bucket hat pulled down low to hide his face but he couldn’t help but feel that people were staring. Whispering, laughing, pointing. Definitely looking at him. Shame filled his stomach like rocks as he walked to where he knew Seokmin would be. As the sun beat down behind him, hot on his back making his headache worse, he was drawn to the sound before he even opened the theatre door. He could hear him singing, melody lilting and pained, his voice clear like crystal ringing through the air.

 

 

_Beautiful_ , Joshua thought to himself, _just beautiful._

He waited until the song ended before opening the door and slipping into the back row just in time to see the crew reset. The sick feeling in his stomach intensified while he watched Seokmin and Soonyoung dance together in the spotlight like they were made for each other before their performance ended with them goofing off and Soonyoung in Seokmin’s arms. He knew it. He just knew if he didn’t push this was going to happen. He knew Soonyoung would swoop in and steal Seokmin out from under him. Joshua let his shoulders sag, face dropped in sadness, as he decided to leave him alone. He looked so happy and he didn’t want to bring Seokmin’s mood down. His hopes that the other man was missing him were obviously just a fantasy.

He pulled the shirt a little closer around his body as he began to walk back home. It was getting dark, the sun finally almost dropping past the crest of the horizon, and the little shops that dotted campus were closing up for the day. He looked up to see a couple, the girl small and cute, the boy tall and broad, laughing as they looked over at him and he knew they were talking about him. He was the campus joke.

Suddenly realisation washed over him. He’d wanted to come here and change whom he was. Become someone he wanted to be. All the cool clothes and piercings and worldly attitude couldn’t change who he was inside. A coward afraid of everything, of everyone, most of all afraid of what people thought. All the qualities he’d hated in Jaehyun, his manipulation, dishonesty and inherent shame, had manifested in his own behaviour in the worst way. Joshua was nothing but a coward and he had to change.

He grabbed the bucket hat from his head and shoved it in his pocket. So what if people stared, laughed, even called him names. If he kept walking and paid no attention, they were insignificant. It didn’t matter if he didn’t let it matter. He opened the door of the corner convenience store that was still open and grabbed the last fresh looking bunch of flowers they had sitting in a black bucket of water. 

 

They were Sunflowers, not the rich elegant roses he thought Seokmin deserved, but somehow fitting he decided as he paid for them and walked out. He began to head back in the direction he came from and his heart began to soar with a new freedom at the terrifying idea of actually grasping onto some courage.

 

 

The theatre was quiet and mostly empty when he made it back so he walked around to the stage entrance. People were milling around, wandering in pairs or small groups, but he couldn’t see Seokmin anywhere. Maybe he missed him and was too late. He couldn’t face the dorm again. He was too afraid of Seokmin’s tiny but very scary roommate.

“Hey! Joshua hyung,” he heard a loud voice behind him and he turned to see Soonyoung waving frantically at him while a shy looking Seokmin stood beside. He didn’t even know Soonyoung that well but that didn’t stop the loud dancer from yelling his name excitedly while he dragged Seokmin over by the arm. 

 

“Thank god you’re here,” Soonyoung said as the setting sunlight gleamed on his sweat-covered brow. “I was going to walk Seokmin here back to his dorm but somethings come up.” Soonyoung pushed Seokmin towards Joshua before skipping away giggling like a maniac. “He’s so weird,” Joshua said softly before looking down and blushing as he followed Seokmin’s gaze. He was still wearing his shirt.

“He is weird. But he’s a good friend,” Seokmin said slowly and definitely and its implication wasn’t lost on Joshua. He held the flowers out in front of him and shyly hid behind them as he began to speak. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know if I even have the right to ask you to let me explain but I’m going to ask anyway.” 

 

Here out in the open, nothing around them but damp grass and the indigo sky of almost dark with only Venus sharing its light, Seokmin felt brave. There was no one here to judge or have an opinion on who should do what. It was just Joshua and Seokmin and a ridiculously large bunch of sunflowers.

“It’s okay,” Seokmin said carefully as he took the flowers in his hands revealing Joshua’s face. His eyes were puffy and still swollen and red. His bottom lip was chewed and raw looking and his usually flawless skin had lost its glow. “No it’s not,” Joshua said but Seokmin interrupted him. “No, this was all pretend right? Like, we weren’t really together so I guess you didn’t really cheat on me…” “I guess…” Joshua mumbled as they began to walk. “So, if you want to get back with him, then you should have just told me,” Seokmin said as they walked along the damp grass in the moonlight. It was a beautiful evening and the scent of sundown was delicate in the air as they strolled side by side with sunflowers between them. 

 

“I don’t,” Joshua said defiantly. “I never did. I’m sorry Seokmin. He knows how to play my insecurities against me. I didn’t want any of it to happen but it’s my fault. I never should have let him manipulate me. I should have been stronger but trust me Seokmin,” Joshua stopped walking long enough to grab Seokmin by the arm and turn him around. “I didn’t want to do it. I don’t remember doing it. And he’s done this to me before, manipulating me, getting me drunk so he can make me do things I wouldn’t usually do....”

Seokmin’s eyes widened. “He didn’t do anything else to you did he?” he stammered as he squeezed Joshua’s hand tight. “I-I don’t think so…” Joshua was sure he would have found some sign. “But honestly he could have and I wouldn’t remember.” “That’s actually sick,” Seokmin said as they began to walk again. Neither of them noticed they were headed in the direction of Joshua’s apartment, comforting habits dying hard in the pleasant night air. 

 

“He’s not a nice person,” Joshua finally conceded. “He spent the last two years of my life making me feel small, ever since I was nineteen and so vulnerable, I never had a boyfriend before. I didn’t know it wasn’t supposed to be like that. Seokmin, its all a lie, everything. The clothes and the piercings, the parties, geez the first time I ever tried weed was that night on the lawn with Hansol and Seungkwan.”

 

Tears welled in his eyes but he blinked them back down. He turned away to take a breath, eyes wandering briefly across the sky, and when he turned back he saw the whole galaxy reflected in Seokmin’s soft gaze. “I wanted to change who people thought I was and in the end I hurt the only person who’s opinion actually mattered.”

 

“Everyone makes mistakes,” Seokmin said as they stood still in the middle of the grass. The sports oval was deserted now, the sun had set quickly cloaking the entire campus in a dim violet glow, a cool breeze nipping at the heels of the day’s last warmth. “I mean, I thought you were cool enough to be your fake boyfriend....” His laugh was softly self-deprecating and it make Joshua’s heart flutter at the sound. 

 

Everyone makes mistakes....

 

Joshua didn’t want to make the biggest one.

 

 

“What if it wasn’t all fake? What if most of it was real, I mean the real me....” Joshua rushed the words out and Seokmin stopped walking to turn towards him. “I know it was the real you hyung. The clothes and the money and other stuff never mattered to me. I....” _love you for who you are_ was the end of that sentence but he pulled himself up just in time. “What about this though?” Joshua grabbed his hand and the look in his eye made Seokmin’s breath catch in his chest. His eyes only had enough time to flutter closed as Joshua’s lips pressed down on his.

 

When they parted Seokmin’s cheeks were flushed and Joshua’s eyes were searching. “How did that feel?” He asked and Seokmin knew, he just knew what Joshua was asking for. “Real,” he replied as he reached out to cup Joshua’s cheek, his thumb swiping slowly across the man’s cheekbone where one solitary tear had broken free. “Real and beautiful,” Seokmin whispered before pulling Joshua close against his chest. 

 

“I’m sorry Joshua hyung but the deal is definitely over this time,” Seokmin smiled brightly as Joshua soaked it in. The radiance of his smile was truly a sight to behold as it lit him from within and made Joshua feel like everything might be okay. “Can we start this again for real?” He asked and nether of them noticed when the Sunflowers dropped to the grass. Nothing mattered outside their world which had narrowed sharply to revolve around another slow deep kiss.


	35. Chapter 35

 

There was no rush.

 

The night hung light and airy around them as they walked across the campus, over the sports oval, finally making it to Joshua apartment. The walk was in silence, their hands entwined, their breath even and relaxed. Too much had already played out in public. This was an awakening that was private and they were both ready to cherish it.

 

As soon as the door closed behind them they exhaled. “Water?” Joshua asked as he took the slightly crumpled Sunflowers from Seokmin’s hand and the other man nodded. They weren’t perfect but they were still so beautiful to him and worth keeping. He smiled as he watched joshua fill a tall jar and stick the stems in it only for them to topple straight out. “I think I have to cut the stems,” Joshua said with a blush and he opened a drawer to find some scissors. A layer of shyness had descended and Seokmin found it fresh and exciting and new.

 

“Stop,” he took the scissors from Joshua’s hand and put them on the bench. He knew this, how Joshua would distract himself with menial tasks, anything to avoid the situation at hand. He wasn’t going to let him get distracted now. This was it.

 

Joshua inhaled sharply as strong hands gripped his hips and lifted him up onto the bench. “Just let me kiss you hyung,” Seokmin said with a husk and weight to his voice and it made Joshua shiver with delight. He didn’t answer. He just closed his eyes and let Seokmin kiss him, slow and deep, their tongues licking and tasting each other gently.

 

It felt like heaven. This was the first time they’d really felt each other, sober and coherent, bodies tingling with the thrill of chemistry. “Hyung,” Seokmin whispered as they broke apart and he moved to Joshua’s neck, kissing gently down the side, scowling a little at the bruise just above his collarbone. He knew what it was from and he hated it. He hated the idea of Joshua seeing it and being reminded of what happened to him the night before.

 

Seokmin pulled his shirt aside and licked over the little bruise before sucking the skin gently into his mouth. Joshua groaned a little and it was music to Seokmin’s ears as he replaced the mark on Joshua’s perfect skin with his own. “Hyung,” Seokmin gasped again when Joshua moved forward, his hips sliding against Seokmin’s, their cocks brushing slightly from behind layers of denim. There was nothing to wait for. Seokmin gathered Joshua into his arms, lifting the featherweight easily, carrying him into the bedroom.

 

The bed was still rumpled from Joshua’s anguish but he was ready to replace it. He laid back and drew Seokmin down on top of him, sliding his hands under his tshirt, feeling the shift and ripple of the other man’s hard muscular body. He suddenly felt it, strong and wild, a craving inside him to feel Seokmin as much as he could.

 

“Seokmin, baby...” he whispered as he squirmed under the other. He managed to slide his jeans down before Seokmin sat back on his heels and began to help him. He let the other swiftly divest him of his shirt and pants and boxers and was soon naked and flushed beneath him. 

 

“God, hyung, you’re more beautiful than I remember,” Seokmin said reverently as he quickly stripped his own shirt and jeans. Joshua was so breathless beneath him and he wanted to take him apart, shatter all the broken pieces of his past, and put him back together stronger. “Can I taste you?” he asked and Joshua nodded. Seokmin stroked the inside of his thighs, milky white and smooth as vanilla, his eyes drinking in the sight of Joshua cock. It was leaking already, curled against his stomach as it dripped, and Joshua could only gasp as Seokmin took it in his mouth and sucked.

 

Every nerve ending in Joshua’s body was on fire as he arched his back and tried not to thrust his hips. Hands tangled in Seokmin’s soft hair as he moaned loudly and writhed in pleasure at the sensation of Seokmin’s tongue pressing into the underside of his erection. It felt incredible and so right and so good that he didn’t want to hold back any longer. “I want to cum,” he said, whining a little in his desperation, and Seokmin hummed in agreement. “Do it in my mouth hyung, I don’t mind,” he said as cold air washed over Joshua’s wet cock and he shook his head. “No, I want to cum on your dick,” he whispered as his cheeks and chest blushed pink. It was so unlike him to speak like this but with Seokmin he felt so free. Free from judgement, from expectation, from the pressure of conformance. 

 

The hunger in his eyes was almost terrifying as Seokmin stroked himself. The light was dim but the glow in his eyes shone bright and eager in the darkness. “I’ve wanted this so bad hyung,” he said as he reached into the bedside drawer for lube. “I mean, yeah it was good before, but you know...” The drip of lube was cold against Joshua’s hole but warmth filled him when Seokmin pressed a finger inside. “Like this, sober... it’s different.... tell me you want it...” “I want it,” Joshua whined as he arched his back. Just one long finger was inside him, searching gently, but it had him trembling all over with pleasure. “Want it, want you.... want you now.....” Joshua groped blindly for words as he fisted the sheets of his bed. “Okay hyung but you have to wait a little.” 

 

Two fingers had Joshua writhing, his voice slipping out in little gasps and moans, Seokmin’s long beautiful fingers reaching deep inside him. It was hardly satisfying and he spread his knees wide and threw his ego away. “Please...” he begged as he drove his hips down. “Please, Seokmin baby, it’s enough.” “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said and Joshua believed it with his whole heart. But he wouldn’t. Seokmin would never hurt him, use him, he would never take advantage of Joshua’s gentle heart.

 

“You won’t hurt me, just please.... please let me feel you....” Joshua almost sobbed in his desperation and Seokmin wouldn’t deny him any longer. “You’re so warm,” he said as he pushed inside, inch by inch, his whole body trembling from the weight on his arms. “You feel so warm, so good hyung, so warm and tight.”

 

Joshua’s mouth hung open as his moans were replaced by silence. He didn’t have the capacity to focus on anything besides his heavy breathing and the weight of Seokmin’s cock inside him. It took over everything he was. “You’re so pretty Joshua hyung,” Seokmin said as he stared down into the almond depths of Joshua’s eyes making him huff a little and turn his face in embarrassment. “Hey,” Seokmin shifted his weight and cupped Joshua cheek making him turn his face. “You’re beautiful Joshua. You’re just lovely. Perfect.” “I’m not,” Joshua said and Seokmin smiled that brilliant bright smile he was so weak for. “You are to me and that’s all that matters.”

 

And he was. Seokmin could see the sparkle in his eyes, the wan smile which turned the corners of his mouth up just enough to show he almost believed the soft words he spoke. He knew he would convince him with time but right now he only had actions.

 

He wrapped Joshua close in his arms as he began to thrust slowly, the drag of his cock steady and unhurried, his face buried close in Joshua’s neck. He’d show him how it felt to be worshipped the way he deserved every day if he had to. He clung closer and drove his cock as deep as he could, his thrusts becoming more of a grind, and Joshua’s voice came back with a vengeance. 

 

“S-Seokmin...” he moaned loudly as his back arched up and his hips chased the feeling of Seokmin’s cock pressing into his prostate. “It’s too much....” he shivered and shook and Seokmin just held him closer. He pressed their lips together to ground him in reality and Joshua chased Seokmin’s tongue deep into his mouth. The kiss was rough but the slow grind of his hips was gentle and Seokmin revelled in the feeling of his hyung falling completely apart on his cock. “It’s too much,” Joshua protested again, his breath hot againstSeokmin’s lips, but moments later he arched his back wildly and came. He tossed his head backwards and Seokmin sucked gently on the exposed skin of his neck as Joshua thrashed underneath him and came hard covering both their stomachs in a hot white mess.

 

He knew he wouldn’t be able to take much more and it didn’t matter anyway. He was already so close and the tight hot clench of Joshua’s rim pushed him to the edge almost immediately. “I want to cum in you,” he said quietly and Joshua managed to nod just in time. As loud as Joshua’s orgasm was, Seokmin’s was silent in contrast, every muscle in his body constricting as he spilled deeper inside Joshua than he ever thought possible.

 

And that’s how they lay, silence surrounding them, broken by the gradual evening out of their breath. “Do you want me to move?” Seokmin asked when he finally felt like he could breathe again and Joshua shook his head. The weight of the man on top of him and still inside him was grounding and calming and he never wanted him to move. This had been the longest and most exhausting day of his life, something of a baptism of fire, and they’d come out on the other side renewed.

 

 

“How long?” Joshua asked when he stared up at the man who’s big body was completely enveloping him; rather than making him feel claustrophobic and trapped, it made him feel warm and secure. “Since the day I got tapped for the auditions I think. You were so convinced I would do well and I had just never had anyone make me feel that way before. Like I mattered. Like I could do it and I did.” Seokmin’s words hit Joshua hard and he suddenly realised they were more alike than he ever considered.

 

“You?” He asked and Joshua turned away in embarrassment again. “I don’t know. Probably all along. I was trying to convince myself I wanted something else but you just drew me to you right from the start. I felt so guilty wanting you when you liked Soonyoung, I even ditched Jeonghan and left him in the park so I could see your audition.”

 

“We’re kind of stupid,” Seokmin said as he softened and finally slid out of Joshua. He didn’t move too far, he knew the other wouldn’t want him to, so he snuggled his naked body against Joshua’s side and threw an arm over his chest. Joshua shifted closer, chasing warmth and comfort as Seokmin had predicted, and sighed. “I never used to be like this. I used to know who I was, before Jaehyun messed with my head, before I lost my record deal. I used to believe all the things I tell you to believe in when you look in the mirror.” “Hyung, don’t be so hard on yourself,” Seokmin snuggled closer and nuzzled his face into Joshua’s neck. “You’ve got plenty of time to find out who you are. Your past doesn’t define you but it is a part of you.”

 

Joshua wondered how Seokmin could be so calm and so wise. His past had led him here to this point, wrapped in Seokmin’s naked warmth, smiling in the dark even though no one could see him. “You’re right. It’s a part of me and it put me on the path here. To you.” “Forget about Jaehyun. I’m not going to let him hurt you ever again,” Seokmin said as he nuzzled Joshua’s neck and Joshua relaxed into the feeling and the sincerity of his words. Somehow he completely believed him.

 

 


	36. Chapter 36

 

 

Joshua woke up to the sun. Not the rays beaming in from the half open curtains but the bright smile of Seokmin in all its glory. “Hi,” he said softly and hid his face a little behind the blanket. The way the other was looking at him was making him feel shy. “Hi,” Seokmin said and pulled the blanket down. “Want to go out for breakfast?” Joshua nodded. He couldn’t think of a better Sunday morning.

He watched Seokmin get up from the bed and walk over to the closet and throw it open. The soft and luxurious robe was hanging in in its place just waiting for him and Joshua sighed with satisfaction when he watched the other toss it over his bare shoulders. “Coffee?” he asked and Joshua nodded again. He’d somehow been reduced to some sort of shy giggling idiot overnight. “Don’t get up,” he said as he disappeared out of the room in a swathe of navy satin and sunshine.

Joshua couldn’t believe it was real. After all he’d put Seokmin through, all the drama, and he still wanted him. Wanted to be with him, the awkward dorky Joshua who was too clingy and romantic, the self-conscious man with the abusive ex-boyfriend. The real Joshua. He was beyond lucky. He lay back in the pile of fluffy pillows and luxuriated in the scent of Seokmin still lingering on them. He barely had time to collect himself before Seokmin was back, two steaming mugs in hand, climbing back into the sheets beside him.

“What do we do now?” Joshua asked and Seokmin frowned, confused, as he took a sip from his mug. “Shower?” he shrugged and Joshua shook his head. “No, about us…” he sipped his own mug and delighted in how perfect it was. Everything Seokmin did, for him and around him, was perfect. It made him a little uneasy; Joshua was far from perfect and didn’t know how to be the perfect boyfriend. “Please don’t make this harder than it has to be,” Seokmin replied making Joshua wither a little under his gaze. He was supposed to be the hyung, older and wiser, more confident and dominant. But he didn’t want to be. Seokmin was so quietly self-assured that it made Joshua just want to luxuriate in his aura and follow dutifully in his wake.

“I just want to be together. I don’t care about what people think, about what they say, who stares and whispers. We have nothing to be ashamed of hyung, only Jaehyun does, he’s a predator. He needs to be exposed.” Joshua wished it were that easy. He didn’t mean to voice his feelings aloud but he must have and only realised when he was suddenly swept up in Seokmin’s strong arms. “Of course it can be that easy. We have each other. Who cares what other people think?” “But your friends?” Joshua stammered and Seokmin sighed. “What about them? Soonyoung is the one who pushed me to make up with you. Hansol and Seungkwan, don’t worry about them, they’re not perfect...” Seokmin knew this was going to be hard but he didn’t care. “They knew. I told them it was all fake. They’ve watched me fall in love with you and carry this on way longer than I should have. They’re just scared I’m going to get hurt.”

 

“They knew?” Joshua asked, surprised, his gentle almond shaped eyes wide with curiosity. “Yeah they knew. Shit, they kept seeing you flirting with Jeonghan, they thought you were cheating on me. Other people probably did too. I had to tell them the truth.” Joshua was hit by how easy it would be for people to see Seokmin as this poor innocent victim, and he as a sly philanderer. “This really is a mess,” Joshua groaned and Seokmin shook his head furiously. “No hyung, it isn’t. It’s actually really simple.” He took the coffee from Joshua’s hand and placed it gently on the bedside table before cupping the older’s cheeks with his long beautiful fingers.

 

“I love you. I want to be with you. I don’t care what people think.”

 

Tears filled Joshua’s eyes as relief flooded his body. He believed him, he had no choice, the sincerity in his face was full of conviction. Strong, intuitive, caring and gentle. Seokmin was everything Jaehyun wasn’t and he knew if he wanted to be happy it was time to stop self sabotaging. It was time to grow up and gave his feelings head on.

 

“I love you too. And I want to be with you, completely, with no secrets or deceptions. Just honesty.”

 

The grin on Seokmin’s face was broad and glowing as it lit up all the way to his sparkling eyes.

 

“No secrets? No hiding things and no faking feelings or lying?”Joshua nodded at Seokmin’s words. “Deal?” He asked tentatively as he held his hand out and met Seokmin’s bright expression.

 

“It’s a deal!” Seokmin replied. He grabbed for Joshua’s hand but didn’t shake it. Instead he fell down onto the bed and pulled Joshua on top of him. He clung tightly to the older man and nuzzled gently into his neck, enjoying the warmth and soft smell that was inherently Joshua. Finally a deal that would make them both happy.

 

It was an hour before they managed to untangle themselves from each other and get up. The freedom in honesty was fresh and exciting and neither could believe they could just touch and tease and kiss as much as they wanted. Finally, after a shared shower that took way too long, they dressed and headed out. “Can we call past my dorm?” Seokmin asked as they strolled hand in hand with no need to rush. “Of course,” Joshua said. He silently hoped Seokmin’s roommate wasn’t home. The guy was terrifying. “Don’t worry,” Seokmin said as he rubbed his thumb soothingly across the back of Joshua’s hand. “I’ll clear everything up with Jihoon. He won’t be home anyway.” Joshua sighed with relief and wondered if Seokmin could read his mind.

 

 

When they reached the building they passed a few people in the hall. Joshua cowered a little but Seokmin just held his hand tighter and his head rose up a little prouder. “I’m not ashamed hyung,” Seokmin said as he pulled Joshua closer. “You shouldn’t be either. The only one who should be ashamed of himself is Jaehyun.”

 

As they walked past a whispering pair of girls Joshua looked down again but Seokmin glared at them making them stop. They only just made it inside Seokmin’s dorm before Joshua pushed him against the closing door and kissed the life out of him. “You’re amazing,” Joshua breathed against Seokmin’s lips as he held tight to his waist and delved back inside his boyfriends mouth. The kiss was hungry and urgent, tinged with desperation, and their tongues moved frantically until it slowed into something more relaxed. “Thank you,” Joshua whispered as they broke apart. “You didn’t have to thank me...” Seokmin began but Joshua’s lips cut him off again.

 

“What did you want to get?” he asked when they finally parted. “This...” Seokmin disappeared briefly before coming out of his room with his necklace held reverently in his hands. “Didn’t feel right without it,” he strung it around his neck and fixed it so the stones lay on the outside of his shirt. Then he reached into Joshua’s shirt and fixed his too, placing it on the outside of his shirt so the pair of birthstones sat shining on top of Joshua’s plain black tshirt.

 

“Perfect,” Seokmin said as he placed a kiss on the end of Joshua’s nose making the older flush bright pink. “Now let’s go eat,” he slung an arm around Joshua’s shoulders and steered him out the door, “I’m starving.”


	37. Chapter 37

 

 

The bright mid morning sun beat down as they wandered across the grass. Peple were gathered, walking and running, talking and just sitting in the sun, and barey anyone threw them a glance. “See,” Seokmin whispered with a smile. “No one is taking any notice.” Joshua turned his face up to the sun and felt the warm rays penetrate deep into his skin where they settled with a renewed sense of warmth and contentedness. Maybe Seokmin was right. Maybe he could have the life he dreamed of here on the other side of the world. Maybe this place, and the gentle encouragement of the man beside him, could steer him towards being the man he always wanted to be.

Their peace was short lived. As soon as they opened the door to the café they could hear them. Jaehyun’s voice was the loudest, his friend Eunwoo beside him, the other Seokmin remembered being called Yugyeom. Mingyu completed the quartet but he was busy behind the counter of the cafe with jeonghan.

 

“Do you want to leave?” Seokmin asked and Joshua’s eyes screamed yes. But Seokmin grasped his hand and his own eyes spoke silently of solidarity and comfort. They walked in with their heads held high. “Joshua!” Jeonghan called out to them, waving brightly,and all heads turned. Seokmin could see Hansol and Seungkwan nestled in a booth up the back. He would deal with them soon enough. He led Joshua by the hand to the counter where he smiled brightly at the two men behind it. “Two Americanos, iced, half sugar in both,” he ordered confidently and Joshua melted into his side. 

 

“Sit,” Jeonghan said with a smile before leaning over a little. “It’s on the house,” he whispered with a conspiratorial grin, “because you’re my favourite couple and I’m happy to see you together this morning.” Jeonghan watched them settle at their favourite table. Mingyu appeared behind him and gave a thumbs up which quickly sank into a scowl. Seokmin turned his head to see Jaehyun standing beside their table bearing an amused grin. “Good morning darling,” he reached out to brush at Joshua’s hair and, to everyone’s surprise, Seokmin knocked his hand away. “Don’t touch him,” he warned, the anger in his voice evident, but Jaehyun just chuckled in that maddeningly cocky way of his.

 

“I’ll touch what I want,” he said low enough for Joshua and Seokmin to hear him. “Joshua can’t say no to me, can you baby?” He leaned in again, eyes composed and slightly sinister, and Seokmin saw red. He began to shake with barely concealed rage. This piece of shit had no rights to Joshua and needed to be put in his place. 

 

He looked around, the place was full, people were staring. His eyes flickered over to where his friends were sitting to see them both mouths agape. He was just about to stand up and fully make a scene, and probably get his ass kicked in the process, when a soft brush over his hand drew his attention to Joshua who was shaking his head. He didn’t need it and Seokmin could tell. This was Joshua’s battle to fight.

 

“Dont call me that, I’m not your baby. And I didn’t want it...” Joshua said softly, voice shaking, lips bitten and trembling with nerves. “What?” Jaehyun laughed again. “Can’t hear you pretty boy. Why don’t you speak up for once in your life?” Anger suddenly flashed in Joshua’s eyes and he lifted his head. He snatched his hand out of Seokmin’s grasp and it instinctively went to toy with the birthstones hanging around his elegant throat. “I didn’t want it,” he said, louder, fiercer, the fire of embarrassment fuelling his rage. “I didn’t want it,” he said louder again, looking around, seeing all the people in the cafe staring at them.

 

“I didn’t want it. I was weak, I’ll admit that, I was easily led into the situation. But I didn’t want it and I never consented; I never said yes. You kissed me and touched me without my permission while I was wasted.” Joshua was standing now and he drew himself up to his full height even though Jaehyun was slightly taller. Seokmin by his side and the symbol of their connection around his neck gave a strength to his spine he never knew before. His fear of Jaehyun paled in comparison to his passion for Seokmin, for this man he loved and this life he loved too.

 

“Do you know what you are Jeffrey?” Joshua had switched to English as he drew further down into his emotions. “You’re a fucking predator.” The look on Jaehyun’s face was incredulous and Joshua swung around to face everyone who was openly staring at them as his language switched again. He needed them to hear it, to understand it, he needed them all to know.

 

“Jaehyun is a predator. He takes advantage of people. Stay away from him if you know what’s good.” His eyes scanned the room, bold, challenging anyone to say something to the contrary.

 

Silence descended over the cafe and Joshua was suddenly aware of everyone’s focus on him. But his spine stiffened again and he felt the soft brush of skin on skin and when he anchored himself in reality he realised Seokmin was standing beside him. The tension in his body reached its peak before a strong muscular arm wrapped itself around his waist and all the fight in him suddenly bled out. He sagged a little but his strength was right there, not only inside himself, but beside him in the form of the most wonderful man he’d ever met.

 

“Leave,” Seokmin said, one singular word, the calm in his voice belying a simmering rage tempered with fierce pride. Jaehyun looked around and over to the door and turned back towards the pair before another voice rang out across the cafe. “Leave Jaehyun. We don’t serve disgusting leeches in here.” Seokmin looked around him to see Jeonghan stone faced behind the counter pointing at the door. His mouth gaped open and closed like a fish out of water before Mingyu walked out from behind the counter.

 

“You really going to let them speak to me like this?” Jaehyun focused all of his anger on his friend who just shrugged his huge frame and grabbed him by the arm. “Yeah I am. Stop acting like a pig Jaehyun. People around here don’t like it.”

 

When the door closed behind the trio the babble of conversation suddenly filled the air as people tried to pretend they hadn’t seen and heard everything. Joshua let out a huge exhalation as they sank back into their chairs and finally sipped their Americanos. “What?” Joshua mumbled around his straw and Seokmin smiled that smile, the one that made his whole face change, the one that lit him from within like pure sunshine. “I’m proud of you hyung,” he said as he leaned back in his chair. “I’m proud of you and I love you.”

 

Joshua let himself believe it.

 

 

They were finishing up their coffees when Hansol and Seungkwan joined them. “I’m sorry,” Seungkwan said when they sat down. “Yeah, me too, I’m sorry to both of you,” Hansol chimes in. “You don’t have to be sorry,” Joshua said and Seokmin shook his head. “Yes they do. Especially you,” his eyes indicated Seungkwan who, contrary to his usually brassy nature, blushed and looked down. “I’m sorry Joshua hyung,” he whispered, eyes filled with sincerity, and Joshua smiled and reached out for his hand. “I forgive you,” he said. 

 

They sat in silence for a while before Seungkwan broke it. “You coming to the musical this weekend hyung? You can sit with us.” “Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Joshua said as he leaned over and pressed a loving kiss on Seokmin’s lips making the other two laugh and tease.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The lights went down and Joshua squirmed in his seat a little. He was so excited and ready to show off his skills as the proud boyfriend of the star musical actor Lee Seokmin. Nothing had changed. People stopped gossiping. Jaehyun stayed away. Sometimes he saw him from a distance here or there but, even though a little part of him was still hurting, it was okay.Things were moving on and things were good.

 

When Seokmin walked out on stage Joshua’s mouth hung open. “Did you know he was wearing leather pants?” he hissed at Hansol who just laughed at his hyung’s dilemma. Joshua didn’t know how long he was going to be able to sit here while Seokmin danced around in front of him in those tight leather pants but he was trapped now. He would have to endure.

 

 

His mind wandered whenever Seokmin wasn’t in the scene. Sitting in the dark theatre he suddenly realised he missed it. He’d barely touched his guitar since he’d moved and the urge to stand up in front of people and sing his heart out burned through his veins anew like fire. He hadn’t felt like this in a very long time. Barely forgotten memories rushed back as he realised this time he would have someone watching. Someone was on his side.

 

He finally knew. He wanted to move and reinvent himself, change who he was, when in reality all he really needed was to remember. To go back to who he really was inside before Jaehyun changed his perception of himself. He knew he had a lot of growing up to do but with Seokmin by his side he was a better man and stronger, ready for a lifetime of self discovery.

 

 

To not know who I am but still know that I'm good long as you're here with me

 

Midnight into morning coffee

Burning through the hours talking

 

 

I like me better when I'm with yo u

 

 

The lyrics floated through his head as he watched Seokmin sing his heart out in the spotlight he deserved. He wanted to clap and cheer his boyfriend on, support him the way he deserved, but he also wanted to sing for him too. To shove himself into the corner of a cafe, guitar in hand, and pour himself out in front of the whole world. This time he knew someone would definitely come and listen.

 

 

 

Before he knew it everyone was applauding. Joshua quickly stood up and everyone else followed and the theatre filled with rapturous applause and a resounding standing ovation. Exactly what Seokmin deserved. Joshua grabbed his stuff and ran out to his car to grab the huge bouquet of pink roses he’d stashed away. He wanted to be at the stage door when everyone came out so he could be the first to greet his baby.

 

 

“Joshua hyung!” Seokmin screeched as he launched himself excitedly into Joshua’s arms. The bouquet crushed between their chests releasing the soft scent of rose petals into the space around them as Joshua squeezed him tight and kissed his cheek. “I’m so proud of you,” he said when they separated and he pushed the roses into Seokmin’s arms. “Thanks hyung,” he said as he blushed prettily making the delicate hue of the roses pale in comparison.

 

“We’re all going out to celebrate!” Soonyoung appeared from behind him. “You guys coming yeah?” His sharp eyes flicked from Seokmin to Joshua who nodded immediately. “Of course,” he said as he wrapped an arm around Seokmin’s shoulder, “I’ll buy the first round.” 

 

“Do you get to keep the leather pants?” Joshua whispered close to Seokmin’s ear making him giggle and flush even pinker. “I can ask Jihoon hyung,” he looked around and stopped walking. “Where is he?” “Probably saw me and decided not to come,” Soonyoung sulked and Seokmin pushed his shoulder. “Don’t be like that,” Seokmin turned around to see Jihoon off in the distance walking the other way. “More likely no one actually thought to invite him. Did you ask him to come?” Soonyoung shook his head as Seokmin turned and jogged over to catch up with Jihoon.

 

“You’re a lucky man,” Soonyoung said as they watched him. “Don’t let him go.” “I won’t,” the smile on Joshua face was warm and sincere as he watched Seokmin tug on Jihoon’s arm and plead with his eyes. Even Jihoon couldn’t resist him, he realised, when he saw Jihoon roll his eyes and follow Seokmin over towards the group.

 

Joshua was definitely never letting go.

 

 

The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading The Deal. I had a lot of fun with this; it’s a ship I really love and it’s very underrated. I hope this inspires you to give seoksoo more love!
> 
> abnegative xx


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